Falling backwards

It's been a very hard weekend for me.  I've been crying on and off for the better of three days now.  Yesterday and today have been the worst.  I was already feeling bad yesterday when my brother-in-law called to tell me about the memorial service they had for Gene up at the racetrack a couple of weeks ago.  Gene raced motocycles on and off for more than 20 years, more on lately than off.  I know it was really hard for him to call me and tell me about it.  Aside from Paul and I, he is the one who misses Gene the most.  They were very close so I know how hard it was for him to go to the racetrack for the first time without Gene.  Anyway, about 20 of the racers got together and told their favorite stories about Gene.  Oh how I wish I had had the strength to be there, but I just wasn't ready to face it.  I started crying on the phone and felt so bad because I know how hard it is on him, too.  We talked for a half an hour and when I got off the phone I called my son and I was crying so hard but I really needed to hear his voice.  I try so hard not to lean on him but yesterday and just needed him.  The poor kid--all he kept saying was "breathe, mom, breathe" and I just kept telling him how sorry I was for calling him like that.  Finally pulled myself together and went out and started weeding the garden.  Next thing I know, my son is here.  He gave me a giant hug just like his dad used to do.  I'm so grateful to have such a loving, wonderful child.   It's overcast here today and I'm almost hoping for rain so I don't have to go wash my car.  I need to decide what to cook for the kids tomorrow night and then get to the grocery store.  I'm just taking it moment by moment right now.  I woke up crying and decided to just go back to sleep then didn't get up until 10:30.  Now it's noon and I haven't accomplished anything and don't know that I will.  Taking small steps today.