Falling away
" The breaking down into pieces of a life is a painful thing to watch and even more painful to endure. Even more devastating is that as your life begins to unravel, day by day, piece by piece, there is absolutely nothing you can do to..." - Vanzant, Iyanla
Another piece of my life broke away yesterday. I slapped my 14 year old son, he came at me with a machete. He is now a ward of the state.
I expected that the depression would hit me like a tsunami but right now all I feel is the cfs depositing acid into my joints. My heart is numb.
The house feels cavernous,echo-ey. I never meant to live here alone, this place was built for family, for sharing, for laughter, for loving.
The police sergeant kept asking "you don't have anyone who can help?". I've been crying out for help for years but in particular in the last 9 months as I watched my child crumble under the strain of this life we live. People I thought were friends said "no, sorry'. Family members stepped back, trying to get out of the way.
I have a sister who has been my best friend, someone I used to talk to for 4-5 hours a day everyday. She stopped talking to me last year because she didn't like something I had said. We recently reconciled. Of course when I was distressed I reached out to her ..force of habit. We've had each other for over 40 years. She called immediately, she expressed concern, she comforted me .. but she did not offer to help.
I have a girlfriend actually living in my home, she has her own issues. She treats me like a leper, something unclean that she avoids, scuttling away like a crab when I try to speak to her. I will not even mention this crisis, I just asked her to be out of my house asap. I want no-one around me who does not have my best interest at heart.
Pieces .. falling.
I pray for my son that he will be safe. I pray that he will find peace, that somehow this experience will help him come to terms with the anger inside him. I pray this will not build that anger even more. I am so sorry that I am the root of his pain. I tried to be a good mother. I gave everything I had to give. It wasn't enough.
As I write the tears are beginning to come and I welcome them. Tears are healing. Tears will break through this numbness and allow the pain to come out. I need to feel the pain. Penance? maybe.
I've failed as a mother
I've failed in my career
I've failed in my relationships with family, with friends and with lovers
I've failed financially
I've failed physically
"I now understand that my life fell apart one piece at a time. Piece by piece; one experience, one situation, and one circumstance at a time, until I found myself standing in the midst of a heap of broken promises, splintered relationships, and shattered dreams." - Vanzant, Iyanla
How ironic that I should be the one telling people how to live their best life. What hypocrisy!
Maybe I've succeeded in brainwashing myself because I don't feel guilty for that. I walked as I was called. I'll probably keep walking, what are my choices?
Another piece of my life broke away yesterday. I slapped my 14 year old son, he came at me with a machete. He is now a ward of the state.
I expected that the depression would hit me like a tsunami but right now all I feel is the cfs depositing acid into my joints. My heart is numb.
The house feels cavernous,echo-ey. I never meant to live here alone, this place was built for family, for sharing, for laughter, for loving.
The police sergeant kept asking "you don't have anyone who can help?". I've been crying out for help for years but in particular in the last 9 months as I watched my child crumble under the strain of this life we live. People I thought were friends said "no, sorry'. Family members stepped back, trying to get out of the way.
I have a sister who has been my best friend, someone I used to talk to for 4-5 hours a day everyday. She stopped talking to me last year because she didn't like something I had said. We recently reconciled. Of course when I was distressed I reached out to her ..force of habit. We've had each other for over 40 years. She called immediately, she expressed concern, she comforted me .. but she did not offer to help.
I have a girlfriend actually living in my home, she has her own issues. She treats me like a leper, something unclean that she avoids, scuttling away like a crab when I try to speak to her. I will not even mention this crisis, I just asked her to be out of my house asap. I want no-one around me who does not have my best interest at heart.
Pieces .. falling.
I pray for my son that he will be safe. I pray that he will find peace, that somehow this experience will help him come to terms with the anger inside him. I pray this will not build that anger even more. I am so sorry that I am the root of his pain. I tried to be a good mother. I gave everything I had to give. It wasn't enough.
As I write the tears are beginning to come and I welcome them. Tears are healing. Tears will break through this numbness and allow the pain to come out. I need to feel the pain. Penance? maybe.
I've failed as a mother
I've failed in my career
I've failed in my relationships with family, with friends and with lovers
I've failed financially
I've failed physically
"I now understand that my life fell apart one piece at a time. Piece by piece; one experience, one situation, and one circumstance at a time, until I found myself standing in the midst of a heap of broken promises, splintered relationships, and shattered dreams." - Vanzant, Iyanla
How ironic that I should be the one telling people how to live their best life. What hypocrisy!
Maybe I've succeeded in brainwashing myself because I don't feel guilty for that. I walked as I was called. I'll probably keep walking, what are my choices?
Replies
My dearest Max.I will not accept your words of failure.You are not a failure. You have been doing your best with a very sick body.I am so upset to hear that you have become separated from your son.I can only imagine the heart break you are feeling.I pray that this separation will not be permanent. I want to remind you that I also lost my business, my savings, my beautiful house, my credit cards, my friends,.Ended up bankrupt and blamed myself for everything because I was always so ill.Everything just came tumbling down. Collapsed.
You have not failed.If you weren\'t ill all these things would not be happening. I could never have looked after myself and a child with this debilitating illness. What has happened to you is completely understandable. Your words of advice and guidance have been brilliant.You helped me so much. Truly you did.Please don\'t sell yourself short here and please never doubt the gifts and insights you have developed as a result of your suffering. I know you are in a crisis right now but please my friend, do not give up hope.I am wondering if your sister can take your son in ? Is there some way you can keep him in the family? I wish I could be with you and comfort you.I just told my husband what has happened and he is really feeling worried about you too. I need you to promise me that you will remain hopeful despite the severity of it all. Staying alive is the priority.Material possessions do not matter.You matter.I know you have the spiritual strength within you to make it through this Max. I believe in you.You may feel lost in a maze right now and think there is no direction out, but it will come. Just believe in that.I wish I could jump on a plane and scream out to you to hold on, , I\'m coming . I\'m wrapping my arms around you and sending all my love. Stay strong.
Max!! This is awful!! What you are going through with your son. You are a very typical mother...blaming yourself for everything. Even blaming your illness is just not acceptable now, because your son is not a five year old. He is fourteen. He knows right from wrong and I\'m sure you have raised him right.
The depression monster has got you at the moment. I know! I do!! It happens to me from time to time and I just want to move somewhere where no one will find me. I just can\'t cope with all the crap life throws at me.
Believe it or not, this stuff is going to pass. Your son is going to be ok. You miss him, but he needs help that you are going to let professionals give to him. You are his mom. Not his counselor. Love him. Tell him so, let the people do their job. He will be ok.
You are not a failure! I care so much about you. You have so much to offer. Please now that I am here for you. Your friends are all here for you! Reconnect with sister and ASK for help. Don\'t try to go this alone. It will all work out!
God is bigger than this, and He will help you! Get in touch with me, please.
Blessings!! xo
Hello Max, I have read your falling away entry. It reminds me of the
book by Pema Chodran, \"When Things Fall Apart\" She\'s a Buddhist.
Maybe you\'ve heard of it? I too have had many challenges throughout
my life. When I look back on some of them, I wonder how did I ever
get through, this or that circumstance? Luckily, some happened
before I became ill which was in my late 40\'s. I totally agree with what
Aussiedi has written. You are in a crisis state now. But. It will change
I trust that you will regain your \'sanity\'. Right now you have been
pushed past your resources. but they will re emerge. I too do not
wish to see you give up hope. Least of all in yourself. An illness is
an illness. It\'s not a \'failure\' by any means. Being a mother. Well,
it\'s usually the moms who get blamed of blame themselves first for
everything that happens. (and I\'m not overlooking real drastic abuse
situations) But short of that, \'stuff happens\'. We do the best we can
and pray for all the best. It does not mean \'failure\'. It means, life
happens and we can\'t always control the outcomes.
Please hang in there. Know that you are of great value. I always
benefit from reading your posts. Many blessings to you.l
Max - I have been offline for awhile, but I saw your journal entry and need to let you know I\'m praying for you and your boy. I\'m sorry about what happened. I cannot even imagine the surge of frightening emotions you must be feeling. I hope you let the feelings of failure dissolve with your tears because I will not accept that you have failed. I\'m sorry you are feeling this now, but feelings are not always true. You know that. Your words on this site have inspired more than you will ever know. We need you.