Falling apart
i feel like my life is unraveling before my eyes. I'm trying so hard to hold it together but then these external factors cime along to tip the balance in favor of disaster. Trying hard to not fall apart.
today its the cable. I am stressed, fighting depression and all i want to do is watch tv and lose myself in other people's issues. But nooo.. Cables been on the blink since last night. Its too much....
i feel like a failure. Success in anything i do is important to me. I have worked hard, have built anice life for myself .. Ive made missteps along the way, have made money and lost money and made it again. I'm not swiming in it, i have to save for what i want and make sacrifices but i was doing ok. The basics were taken care of and i could afford a few frills, i was on the cusp of achieving my vision for a comfortable future.
building my home has been a tremendouse financial drain And i have sruggled with that. Having lived in the US where i achieved what i wantd without even blinking, its been hard working for 7 years for something which i believe i should have been able to afford outright. Something other people seem to be able to achieve .. What am i doing wrong? A friend once said my mistake was trying to do it alone. There is some truth in that, in our society the cost of housing is high relative to what we earn, so home purchases are largely made by couples or by family members combining resources. But people do it on their own all the time, why shouldnt i be able to do it? Not talking macmansion here, just trying to make a comfortable family home. isnt that one of the first markers of success? Which successful person cant afford to put a decent roof over their head?
so i've been struggling, but managing to hold it together. Then came CFS. over the past 5 years i have watched my home fall apart even as i struggle to complete it. I cant keep up with routine mainence, cant properly supervise the people doing the work, so one by one i have let them go. I live in a disaster zone. I am ashamed to invite friends or neighbors into my home. This is such a blow because my homes have always ben nice and have always been open for folks to pop in at any time. Strike 1.
the medical bills have piled on over the years. Its not something you can plan for, you simply find a way to pay. They're getting higher each year, even with a health plan they are pushing me to financial ruin. Strike 2.
then there are the unexpected surprises. Like this water bill which equates to 5 years of consumption, despite the fact that i have steadily made payments over the years. Been seriously looking at allowing them to simply disconnect it, but the options i have identified so far are more expensive than paying the bill off. and this is coming at a time when i have just taken on a sizable loan, went over budget and am just swimming in debt! I'm cutting back on how much food i buy. I am selling my car and i still dont see how i will make ends meet. Now this? Really? Never mind that i dont want to pay this bill..i CAN'T pay this bill! Strike 3.
so I'm lying in my unfinished bedroom, wondering when i'll be able to finish painting the walls, or laying the floor .. I think about my empty kitchen .. I wonder how i'll get to work without a car.. Fussing with my son over his grades, because i know i wont be able to send him to college.. Fretting that i may not even be able to get him though high school..and all i can see is my life falling apart.
i've always been driven by the need to succeed, and to help others. Cfs took away my ability to teach, to mentor, to foster, to even participate in programmes to help other. Cfs has taken my ability to succeed, to move forward..and is slowly stripping me of everything i hold onto from the life i once had.
and i face this all alone.
I feel like a failure at work, at home, in life...and all i want to do is watch some damn tv .. Its too much
today its the cable. I am stressed, fighting depression and all i want to do is watch tv and lose myself in other people's issues. But nooo.. Cables been on the blink since last night. Its too much....
i feel like a failure. Success in anything i do is important to me. I have worked hard, have built anice life for myself .. Ive made missteps along the way, have made money and lost money and made it again. I'm not swiming in it, i have to save for what i want and make sacrifices but i was doing ok. The basics were taken care of and i could afford a few frills, i was on the cusp of achieving my vision for a comfortable future.
building my home has been a tremendouse financial drain And i have sruggled with that. Having lived in the US where i achieved what i wantd without even blinking, its been hard working for 7 years for something which i believe i should have been able to afford outright. Something other people seem to be able to achieve .. What am i doing wrong? A friend once said my mistake was trying to do it alone. There is some truth in that, in our society the cost of housing is high relative to what we earn, so home purchases are largely made by couples or by family members combining resources. But people do it on their own all the time, why shouldnt i be able to do it? Not talking macmansion here, just trying to make a comfortable family home. isnt that one of the first markers of success? Which successful person cant afford to put a decent roof over their head?
so i've been struggling, but managing to hold it together. Then came CFS. over the past 5 years i have watched my home fall apart even as i struggle to complete it. I cant keep up with routine mainence, cant properly supervise the people doing the work, so one by one i have let them go. I live in a disaster zone. I am ashamed to invite friends or neighbors into my home. This is such a blow because my homes have always ben nice and have always been open for folks to pop in at any time. Strike 1.
the medical bills have piled on over the years. Its not something you can plan for, you simply find a way to pay. They're getting higher each year, even with a health plan they are pushing me to financial ruin. Strike 2.
then there are the unexpected surprises. Like this water bill which equates to 5 years of consumption, despite the fact that i have steadily made payments over the years. Been seriously looking at allowing them to simply disconnect it, but the options i have identified so far are more expensive than paying the bill off. and this is coming at a time when i have just taken on a sizable loan, went over budget and am just swimming in debt! I'm cutting back on how much food i buy. I am selling my car and i still dont see how i will make ends meet. Now this? Really? Never mind that i dont want to pay this bill..i CAN'T pay this bill! Strike 3.
so I'm lying in my unfinished bedroom, wondering when i'll be able to finish painting the walls, or laying the floor .. I think about my empty kitchen .. I wonder how i'll get to work without a car.. Fussing with my son over his grades, because i know i wont be able to send him to college.. Fretting that i may not even be able to get him though high school..and all i can see is my life falling apart.
i've always been driven by the need to succeed, and to help others. Cfs took away my ability to teach, to mentor, to foster, to even participate in programmes to help other. Cfs has taken my ability to succeed, to move forward..and is slowly stripping me of everything i hold onto from the life i once had.
and i face this all alone.
I feel like a failure at work, at home, in life...and all i want to do is watch some damn tv .. Its too much
Replies
Hi Max!!
You are not a failure in any sense of the word. You obviously struggle but give it everything you\'ve got to get ahead of life on the disability chain! It\'s SO hard for us, with CFS to watch things go down the tubes. I was always a type A, very busy, 1.5 job, single parent workaholic before I became ill. That was eight years ago. Since CFS, I have lost so very much. The most painful, I would guess....would be the people that took a hike because they didn\'t want to deal with me. I\'ll never get that. If one of my friends took ill and landed in bed, I\'d be there reading them books!
I hear you on the doing it alone! It\'s next to impossible isn\'t it? I raised a daughter for nineteen years on my own. She has lupus and is bi-polar. To say that this was challenging would be an understatement for sure. However, I had my health. I could work three jobs. I had to do without a lot of things, material things, but I made sure my daughter lacked nothing. I think I was so focused on her health and well being that I didn\'t take very good care of myself.
I wish you wouldn\'t gauge yourself on the roof over your head, or how well you can maintain it! You, are YOU. And you have worked very hard with a fatigue based illness to take care of a child. You move forward every day that you get up and come on here and support someone else. This is the gift we have as members of a support group! Our words mean something. We can say something that can put a smile on someone\'s face, ease their fears, comfort them, befriend them, encourage them......I know you do these things. GOOD FOR YOU! And thank you!!!
I think that this illness is so devastating to our self image, because so much is taken from our once healthy lives and we just feel ourselves going downhill. We are our own harshest critics. I\'ll bet you\'re a great mom. A great friend!!!
I get in this dump you\'re in today. I feel worthless a lot of time. I am blessed to have a husband who is a wonderful caretaker. After eight years of this, you\'d think I\'d be used to watching him vacuum the rug, and not feel guilty, but NO...I still feel it. It\'s my pride. I\'m so ashamed that I have become so weak.
THAT\'S JUST STUPID! We have to get over ourselves, Max. We have to see the situation as it really is. We have to stop criticizing ourselves and pat ourselves on the back for taking that shower and putting dinner on the table in the same day! Yes we do!!
I\'m praying for us Max. We do get in these funks where the reality of the illness bites us in the butts, but in actuality, we are strong, we are motivated, and we are joined here to a community of others who are going through the exact same thing.
I\'m so glad you journaled this today, as I woke up feeling quite a bit the same way.
Let\'s eat! Chocolate. Ok, then......have a good one! xoxo
Darla really just said it all perfectly, max.I have to agree with all that she said.Just one thing though.Maybe it\'s time to consider lowering your self expectations and become a happy B type instead of an A type.Surviving is the priority and maybe less is best, so your life will be easier with less stress.Have you considered selling and downsizing? I\'m just worried about your increased debt and what was to be your dream project , might just end up wiping you out.I know it\'s a hard one for sure, but have you considered it? Just thinking about your struggle and really feel for you.Anyway, I do wish you all the best, and all success.xoxo
hi,
this is gonna be a slow response, my left hand is numb........you had a bad day. your life has been changing for some time due to illness......due to life circumstances.......your body has a harder time .......and when we have a bad day, we lose our balance.......our perspective takes a flying leap.
it hurts me to see anyone attacking you, and as your friend.......it\'s especially hard that it\'s you turning on you........i get it, i\'ve been there before and i will be there again........but i wanna tell you that all is not lost. that you haven\'t let yourself down.........these times are about regrouping, about stepping back from that ledge of judgement and leading with a kinder more understanding sense of purpose for this day and the next.
you have a home and a dream for that home. things you want to do to finesse and tweak it into what you envision. that is a fine goal........i have a home that is 50% redone and 50% more than I can redo. Sometimes it bugs me, but most of the time, I am amazed........amazed that things are as together as they are.........the challenges are real, as is the seriousness of illness. Compromised health - reduced energy...under harsh conditions involving pain, sacrifice, overwhelming fatigue.......does that not sound familiar......?
You are a working single Mother......let me stand up and applaud you for the love and care you have for your son. Let me stand up and applaud you for taking on every decision, every choice.......for mustering the courage and the verve to do all that you do every day!
Let me shake your hand for the job you do at work, at home.......when you rise to ready yourself for any and every thing........when you sit and enjoy the view, when you plan a project design........when you fight with the water people, when you wanna throw a wrench cause it\'s been a bad day and now even mindless entertainment .......your cable has let you down.
you\'ve been carrying a lot on your shoulders Max.........hand all those burdens off to God.......ask him to give you peace, joy.......ask him for forgiveness......ask him for direction, for help .......hand him the wheel.
i\'m a pray-er and a hugger.........and offer those freely in care of your journey......
God can help .......he provided many ingenious solutions when I was struggling so hard, blaming myself for any and everything........I was mad at myself and fearful of life..........felt like everything was gonna slide off the cliff into the sea.............but it didn\'t.
Life changed and with God\'s help my life and my direction changed.......and yet I am still here, in this house, with an older paid for car.......and it feels right.........that I am to bloom in this place........for this is where I am planted.........so even though I still get mired in muck and mire at times......at the end of the day I have many reasons to feel gratitude for this life as it is today ...........
Your son is a joy.......you are an amazingly resilient woman with talent and intellect. You have a home.......like the life we live.......our homes, our days are part of a journey........you\'re in transition, you\'re not over, you just hitting a speed bump in your head...........you\'re having a bad day.......a bad week......but you are far far far from over.
You need a soft place to land, time to regroup..........let out all the frustrations, and then take some time to rest, pray......meditate........slow down and see what your best options are regarding these decisions.
Is this home where you belong? Should you keep your car? Should you slow down and take a little more time on making the decision when you feel a little more peace about the next thing you are to do.
in my heart i hope i am getting the words out semi right.......i was awake until 5 am.......and woke up at 9, so my thinker is fuzzy and my body is confused.........but i\'ve known you long enough to know that you are a doer and a planner........and you are resilient and good.
take time to bask in the reality of the whole of your life...........in the area where i live, many people walked away from their homes in the middle of the night max because they had no jobs, no means of support, no way to pay the mortgage........
homes became empty and dusty and unloved as these families suffered the loss of a solid foundation.......i moved to this area because i wanted affordable housing........a modest cozy place that i could afford........because after a difficult divorce i never wanted anyone or anything to own me again......be more than i could afford emotionally or financially.
it hurt cause he walked out on me for getting strangely suddenly and irrevocably ill..........but later i found it to be a favor........because he lacked character and integrity.........he brought a terrible selfishness to my life and the life of my children..........what am i getting at? that the road is long.......has many unforeseen twists and turns..........maybe others are all knowing and see it all coming down the track, but i find life surprising and i\'m not always prepared to be hit when I\'m already struggling........and going down to the ground.
i thought he would be my soft place to land, not another thing i had to survive........but i learned from that decision........and i have learned from other decisions..........and mistakes by getting back up, by trying again.........by getting some rest, by letting the hurt, frustration, confusion out like bad air and taking in some fresh sunshine, some good air........by holding on to important things like the love of a son and the love for a son........by seeing all you have accomplished in your job......at your home.........
take it easy on yourself.........we\'re here to listen and care and help you regroup...................sorry for going on so long.........i mean well ........and i think the world of you...............take it easy on yourself...........praying for you.......gentlest hugs.