"Fake it till you make it".....that's the saying...

They say "fake it till you make it" it's basic psychology, i know this as i am a psych student, but sometimes you can only fake it for so long before you break and snap and fall apart... I tried to fake happy after my ex bf and i broke up.. we were together for 2.5 years, we were planning to get married, we were going to raise a family together, we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.... I looked at him, and I saw my future, my everything.. In his eyes, was my entire world all wrapped up.. I've been trying to fill this void in my heart.. I know i have... I feel empty, and hurt, and sad, and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do, how i'm supposed to feel.. I miss him with every fiber of my being... I miss going to sleep together, and waking up together.. I miss going out stargazing... and I miss going the drive in movie... I miss loading up couch cushions and blankets and sweaters for the drive in... going when it's 30 degrees out in the sun, wearing tank tops and shorts then having to switch into sweaters and sweats and cuddling up under blankets so we can watch a movie in the bed of his truck.. I miss family dinners, and family vacations... I miss having his little sister refer to me as her big sister, i miss planning our future wedding... March 27th, 20-something... I miss feeling like my life had purpose...i miss knowing I was loved completely and unconditionally... I miss having him there for me when i needed him most... There's a void in my heart that no one can fill, it hurts and it feels empty.. empty pain.. I want to drink to try to fill it but i know i will never fill it and i will never stop... but i want to so bad... I'm still sober...somehow... I've been offered alcohol so many times, and sometimes by people who know I can't drink but still try to tell me it's okay.. It's NOT okay. I don't care that you'll "watch" me and not let me drink too much... once I have one, that's it... I may only have one in that moment, but your for damn certain that i'll be on my own and I'll drink.. and i'll drink.. and i wont stop. I'll spend all my money on booze and I'll kill myself before i stop. I don't drink, because if i will, i wont stop. I have tried to fake it till i make it... I have tried and tried... I went online and met an amazing girl, and she tried to fill the void in my heart, but she couldnt fill it, she could only distract me from it... she took his place in my life, she was there for me when i needed him.. she helped me through my miscarriage that i had had a year prior with him, she helped me get and stay sober..she even became sober with me, she was there for me when my sister was hospitalized for bi-polar disorder and for when we realized that I'm bi-polar as well... All these times that i have needed adam.. jess was there... but now shes out of my life and so is he and im alone.. im alone, and i feel an ache and a void in my heart that i cant make go away... I just want the pain to stop... I want to be happy again... on a better note...therapy for my miscarriage is done... hard to say i'm finished my goal to be okay by christmas though, that's what the goal is about, be okay with the miscarriage come christmas because that's when i lost it and the miscarriage hit me... it was around christmas... i'll slowly bump it up.. but i wont say im ready..i wont say im okay, because if i do..and it turns out im not.....