Extremely suicidal

Why? Why won't it stop hurting? I have resigned myself to the fact that I am not as good as him. I know I'll never get her back. She never really wanted me Yada Yada Yada but my heart won't stop hurting. It has never hurt this bad even with rachel. Actually I'm not sure I knew what love was until I was with Her. I don't know how much longer I can stand my life. It just seems like one disaster after another. Jess is cutting again. She thought I wouldn't notice but I did. No one will hire me. I am useless. Not much point in staying here anymore.  She barely talks to me anymore. Probably my fault again.  Always is. There is no silver lining for me. Miranda deleted her ig so I have no one to talk to. Last I heard she was going to kill herself. Maybe I should too. I just don't have the means. No skyscrapers to jump off of. Maybe a train but knowing my luck I would be pulled over on my way there. I wouldn't have my license with me and I would get in trouble for driving without a license. Don't have the money to buy a shotgun after destroying my retirement fund. Monson season is coming maybe hold a large pole in the air while we are having a lightning storm. Just have to buy the pole oh wait... no money. Nice to know I mean absolutely nothing to her. All the money I spent. I invested everything I had into her and she still doesn't want me. I am useless.  Nothing . No real point in going on. I'll always be a failure. I'll never amount to anything.