experimenting with permitting emotions
granted, i can't change 31 years of professional practice in emotional suppression in just the few short days it took me to realize that this is what i have been doing most of my life. however, i can experiment with small things.
i was laying in bed reading, when he made a business call to follow up with a client about an order.i could hear him talking in the kitchen. it's a small place, so it wasn't a matter of eavesdropping, more of inevitability. the client's name was tia.
for whatever reason, likely because the name tia makes me think of an easy blonde with fake boobs and long legs that she would cross and uncross in front of him while going over her project (my apologies to any women who are named tia, are blonde, or have breast implants for my judgmental projection--long legs, you're on your own here, no sympathy on my end), i felt a rush of uneasiness: panic, jealousy, and fear. my immediate reaction was to reason with myself, tell myself i was overreacting, or even accept that it was beyond my control what happened with him and tia, and squelch the emotions. yet in this moment i realized that this is what i do all the time inside myself when i encounter feelings that i don't like. i don't feel them, i disappear them. i'm in training for sociopathy, perhaps. was about to graduate but decided to change my major.
so i laid there, staring at the wall beyond my book, and allowed myself to the very best of my ability to feel what i was feeling. it was pretty uncomfortable, but i just tried to let the feelings be there inside me without thinking about them. interestingly, they didn't stay for very long. he finished the call, and the emotions dissolved shortly thereafter. i'm pretty sure that i didn't find a way to suppress them without realizing it.
so i find it interesting that these feelings that i am so afraid of may, in some cases, only be momentary glimpses, flashes, or pulses of discomfort, and yet i work so hard to bury each and every one regardless of its potential duration. not really sure why i do that, but it seems a little scaredycattish.
i started to relate this experience to my boyfriend, who listened very gently and supportingly. then when i said that it happened when he made a business call to some woman, he was confused. apparently, tia is the name of some middle eastern dude. well, then.
i was laying in bed reading, when he made a business call to follow up with a client about an order.i could hear him talking in the kitchen. it's a small place, so it wasn't a matter of eavesdropping, more of inevitability. the client's name was tia.
for whatever reason, likely because the name tia makes me think of an easy blonde with fake boobs and long legs that she would cross and uncross in front of him while going over her project (my apologies to any women who are named tia, are blonde, or have breast implants for my judgmental projection--long legs, you're on your own here, no sympathy on my end), i felt a rush of uneasiness: panic, jealousy, and fear. my immediate reaction was to reason with myself, tell myself i was overreacting, or even accept that it was beyond my control what happened with him and tia, and squelch the emotions. yet in this moment i realized that this is what i do all the time inside myself when i encounter feelings that i don't like. i don't feel them, i disappear them. i'm in training for sociopathy, perhaps. was about to graduate but decided to change my major.
so i laid there, staring at the wall beyond my book, and allowed myself to the very best of my ability to feel what i was feeling. it was pretty uncomfortable, but i just tried to let the feelings be there inside me without thinking about them. interestingly, they didn't stay for very long. he finished the call, and the emotions dissolved shortly thereafter. i'm pretty sure that i didn't find a way to suppress them without realizing it.
so i find it interesting that these feelings that i am so afraid of may, in some cases, only be momentary glimpses, flashes, or pulses of discomfort, and yet i work so hard to bury each and every one regardless of its potential duration. not really sure why i do that, but it seems a little scaredycattish.
i started to relate this experience to my boyfriend, who listened very gently and supportingly. then when i said that it happened when he made a business call to some woman, he was confused. apparently, tia is the name of some middle eastern dude. well, then.
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