even when it's quiet
i should keep writing even when there's nothing going on, just so's i can remind myself when reflecting that there are times when there is peace. it's superbowl sunday, and he might go watch some of the game around 5, so i may have some time to myself around the house, which is always nice.
i've been thinking a lot about my situation, and i am kinda stuck on this identified patient thing. i feel a little ashamed that i am doing this, yet i am also fascinated with the results of my efforts. see, this is kind of a project for me, learning how to own my feelings, let him own his, and see how things turn out. it's as though i have been given a new set of instructions and have begun to follow them while not entirely knowing what the results will bring. just following them blindly because my last way of doing things really was not working out.
you know, what sucks is having this threat of him leaving hanging over my head. that if things get choppy he's gonna leave. i need to figure out how to be ok with him doing that, because, at least for now, this behavior of his isn't going to change. and so far, he hasn't left. i guess what i need to do is figure out how to relinquish control to the fates, and just know that he either IS or ISN'T going to leave, and that is not something over which i have control. but saying i have to do that and actually being able to act according to that understanding is not something that can be accomplished instantly.
i will, however, say that i am getting more tired (is that correct, saying "more tired?" should it be "tireder?" that looks like spider) by his use of ending the relationship as the solution to our problems, and am starting to feel more resigned to just letting him go ahead and leave. and that makes me afraid that maybe i could be preventing his leaving by fighting to keep him, because it's possible that, while he may want out because he feels that i don't respect or love him, he may also be testing to see if i will stop him because i DO want him. so is letting him have his i'm-leaving-you tantrum without interference the wrong thing to do, that is, if he IS bpd?
according to h. lerner, i am perpetuating the cycle in our relationship by responding in this way, and if i want the change in our fighting patterns to stop, i must make the change myself, and, in doing so, must be able to face the results that my own change will bring. this includes his potential leaving.
so what changes do i really want to bring about? well, for one, i don't like feeling guilty for not doing what i can to make him feel safe. yet i don't like feeling resentful for making these changes in my behavior when i don't feel they are fair. i think i need to sort these two categories out to help me decide the changes i want to make for myself.
come to find out, i also really don't like being invalidated or shamed, which is something he does fairly frequently during arguments. i have told him when he makes certain comments the way that they make me feel. the latest resulted in him telling my WHY i feel that way and what else i was feeling, because he has his pinche psychology degree. i told him not to tell me how i feel. i guess i just have to keep defending myself there. but this is tough, because when this kind of shit happens, i just think "ok, he's got bpd or something like that, he's gonna do what it takes to make himself feel better, even if that means rationalizing how it couldn't possibly be him who has said something to hurt me, but me who is hurting myself." so then there i am again, making him the identified patient. i hate that he introduced that term to me, and that now i use it. but, really, what else can i do? i am learning how to take responsibility for my own injustices, feelings, and actions, but am still in the process of learning. inside i will continue to tell myself for a while that i am not the problem, he is. and this is natural. but the truth is, so long as i am with him, he is still my problem, he still has this problem, and it is often the initiator of many of our shared problems! how can i deny this?? this is not a typical relationship!
i've been thinking a lot about my situation, and i am kinda stuck on this identified patient thing. i feel a little ashamed that i am doing this, yet i am also fascinated with the results of my efforts. see, this is kind of a project for me, learning how to own my feelings, let him own his, and see how things turn out. it's as though i have been given a new set of instructions and have begun to follow them while not entirely knowing what the results will bring. just following them blindly because my last way of doing things really was not working out.
you know, what sucks is having this threat of him leaving hanging over my head. that if things get choppy he's gonna leave. i need to figure out how to be ok with him doing that, because, at least for now, this behavior of his isn't going to change. and so far, he hasn't left. i guess what i need to do is figure out how to relinquish control to the fates, and just know that he either IS or ISN'T going to leave, and that is not something over which i have control. but saying i have to do that and actually being able to act according to that understanding is not something that can be accomplished instantly.
i will, however, say that i am getting more tired (is that correct, saying "more tired?" should it be "tireder?" that looks like spider) by his use of ending the relationship as the solution to our problems, and am starting to feel more resigned to just letting him go ahead and leave. and that makes me afraid that maybe i could be preventing his leaving by fighting to keep him, because it's possible that, while he may want out because he feels that i don't respect or love him, he may also be testing to see if i will stop him because i DO want him. so is letting him have his i'm-leaving-you tantrum without interference the wrong thing to do, that is, if he IS bpd?
according to h. lerner, i am perpetuating the cycle in our relationship by responding in this way, and if i want the change in our fighting patterns to stop, i must make the change myself, and, in doing so, must be able to face the results that my own change will bring. this includes his potential leaving.
so what changes do i really want to bring about? well, for one, i don't like feeling guilty for not doing what i can to make him feel safe. yet i don't like feeling resentful for making these changes in my behavior when i don't feel they are fair. i think i need to sort these two categories out to help me decide the changes i want to make for myself.
come to find out, i also really don't like being invalidated or shamed, which is something he does fairly frequently during arguments. i have told him when he makes certain comments the way that they make me feel. the latest resulted in him telling my WHY i feel that way and what else i was feeling, because he has his pinche psychology degree. i told him not to tell me how i feel. i guess i just have to keep defending myself there. but this is tough, because when this kind of shit happens, i just think "ok, he's got bpd or something like that, he's gonna do what it takes to make himself feel better, even if that means rationalizing how it couldn't possibly be him who has said something to hurt me, but me who is hurting myself." so then there i am again, making him the identified patient. i hate that he introduced that term to me, and that now i use it. but, really, what else can i do? i am learning how to take responsibility for my own injustices, feelings, and actions, but am still in the process of learning. inside i will continue to tell myself for a while that i am not the problem, he is. and this is natural. but the truth is, so long as i am with him, he is still my problem, he still has this problem, and it is often the initiator of many of our shared problems! how can i deny this?? this is not a typical relationship!
Replies
i think you just have to break through the mirrors and realize that one day he will leave you, and that there is no practical way to prevent this. Then, you can do what you need to do to prepare yourself for that day. The only kind of crazy you were when the two of you met was that you were crazy about him. Now that you are less crazy about him, and more crazy in general, thanks to the daily dose you get on other subjects from him, you are not so easily idealized. For us SOBs, it is a short trip from there to the dumpster.
whenever he tells you he is leaving, remind him that it is his life, and his decision. don\'t play the break-up/make-up game, or you will both wind up insane.
i\'m still crazy about him, though. and we do have a lot of good going on in our relationship. i\'d like to think that he will not end up leaving me, finally, one day. but if he does, i just have to not try and prevent it. i think his bpd tendencies are not quite as extreme as others. i wonder what the differences are between men and women with bpd, and if this is characteristic?