Epiphany
The month of September used to be my favorite. The new beginning of a school year, (I have worked in schools for 30 years), the beauty of a New England autumn and the most wonderful day...September 22nd. Ed, my only child's birthday. The happiest day of my life.
Fast forward to September 4th, 2009. The worst day of my life. The day my only child suddenly left for Heaven. September is now the cruelest month for me. I have his angel date and his birthday. This year I am looking forward to his birthday. After 3 years I am in a place that I feel I can celebrate him and his life again and the gift of him. There's been a shift...thank goodness!
So here's what my epiphany is. My son was/is a believer. He accepted Jesus as his Savior at the age of 5 and loved God his whole life. He wasn't perfect by any means but God knows that. We are not perfect. We are made in His image but we are not perfection as God is or as many of my friends say, Spirit. ( I understand there are folks of many beliefs here and this is just who I am). So in the last years beginning with the first day, 9/4/09, I have been so blessed by God and Eddie to receive many signs from Ed. They are crystal clear to me and I understand the significance of theses signs and the naysayers don't have to believe me, (I'm sure some people think I look for signs - yes, I do and also think I read to much into some signs, perhaps), but I know what I know. My sisters of the heart here too know what I mean as the dream/visits, the signs, the connections keep coming. My grief counselor 2 years ago told me to embrace the signs, so I do. I know as a believer that Ed is in Heaven, and enjoying eternal life without pain or tears. He still communicates with me, albeit not my preferred way but yet still I know he is just beyond my human condition. So why am I so sad? My epiphany is that all I ever wanted is for my child to be safe and happy and if I believe...believe God, believe the signs that tell me, believe what I know to be truth, then why am I so sad? I can rejoice that Ed's soul lives on and if I truly believe what I profess to, I know we will be reunited!
The reality is that I hate that Ed is not here, that his children miss him, that I won't have the comfort of my only child in my old age and that Ed has missed so much by leaving so soon. That grief is normal and appropriate. But my parallel reality is that I know he is beyond well and while I will always in my humaness miss & long for him, I can take comfort in the knowledge that he is safe and well and blissful where he is and it helps a lot.
Anyhow on his birthday I will make his favorite spice cake in his honor and his children, Ken, my daughter in law and I will sing to him and rejoice in his life and vow to honor his life by loving each other.
Love you, Ed. Thank you for being my son, my best friend and a good and kind person and Dad. Thank you for the signs that tell me you're well even though I should have enough faith - the faith gets weak sometimes so the signs help a lot. I miss you dearly and my mom's heart has been broken but I believe you are blissful and surrounded by love, light and God's perfection. So enjoy it. Rest in God's embrace because I'm doing ok. Love, mom
Fast forward to September 4th, 2009. The worst day of my life. The day my only child suddenly left for Heaven. September is now the cruelest month for me. I have his angel date and his birthday. This year I am looking forward to his birthday. After 3 years I am in a place that I feel I can celebrate him and his life again and the gift of him. There's been a shift...thank goodness!
So here's what my epiphany is. My son was/is a believer. He accepted Jesus as his Savior at the age of 5 and loved God his whole life. He wasn't perfect by any means but God knows that. We are not perfect. We are made in His image but we are not perfection as God is or as many of my friends say, Spirit. ( I understand there are folks of many beliefs here and this is just who I am). So in the last years beginning with the first day, 9/4/09, I have been so blessed by God and Eddie to receive many signs from Ed. They are crystal clear to me and I understand the significance of theses signs and the naysayers don't have to believe me, (I'm sure some people think I look for signs - yes, I do and also think I read to much into some signs, perhaps), but I know what I know. My sisters of the heart here too know what I mean as the dream/visits, the signs, the connections keep coming. My grief counselor 2 years ago told me to embrace the signs, so I do. I know as a believer that Ed is in Heaven, and enjoying eternal life without pain or tears. He still communicates with me, albeit not my preferred way but yet still I know he is just beyond my human condition. So why am I so sad? My epiphany is that all I ever wanted is for my child to be safe and happy and if I believe...believe God, believe the signs that tell me, believe what I know to be truth, then why am I so sad? I can rejoice that Ed's soul lives on and if I truly believe what I profess to, I know we will be reunited!
The reality is that I hate that Ed is not here, that his children miss him, that I won't have the comfort of my only child in my old age and that Ed has missed so much by leaving so soon. That grief is normal and appropriate. But my parallel reality is that I know he is beyond well and while I will always in my humaness miss & long for him, I can take comfort in the knowledge that he is safe and well and blissful where he is and it helps a lot.
Anyhow on his birthday I will make his favorite spice cake in his honor and his children, Ken, my daughter in law and I will sing to him and rejoice in his life and vow to honor his life by loving each other.
Love you, Ed. Thank you for being my son, my best friend and a good and kind person and Dad. Thank you for the signs that tell me you're well even though I should have enough faith - the faith gets weak sometimes so the signs help a lot. I miss you dearly and my mom's heart has been broken but I believe you are blissful and surrounded by love, light and God's perfection. So enjoy it. Rest in God's embrace because I'm doing ok. Love, mom
Replies
I think of Mikes birthday as a celebration that I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy a creation that God gave women the joy of doing. I now treat both my kids birthday that way ( PS I buy myself presents) This is how I now deal with Mikes birthday I just added Alyssa\'s because she is grown and I deserve a present after raising a very difficult child... LOL
My dear Mikes Angel date is to close to Christmas to make anything special or feel like the joy of Christmas. Each year I put on my smile because the grandchildren deserve that much.
We do what we can to servive these days of pain and remembrance.
Sending you Hugs to keep your spirit safe through out the month of Sept.
Happy B-Day Ed
Penny
A truly uplifting journal. Thank you Linda.
Sending love, Terry