Epiphany
The month of September used to be my favorite. The new beginning of a school year, (I have worked in schools for 30 years), the beauty of a New England autumn and the most wonderful day...September 22nd. Ed, my only child's birthday. The happiest day of my life.
Fast forward to September 4th, 2009. The worst day of my life. The day my only child suddenly left for Heaven. September is now the cruelest month for me. I have his angel date and his birthday. This year I am looking forward to his birthday. After 3 years I am in a place that I feel I can celebrate him and his life again and the gift of him. There's been a shift...thank goodness!
So here's what my epiphany is. My son was/is a believer. He accepted Jesus as his Savior at the age of 5 and loved God his whole life. He wasn't perfect by any means but God knows that. We are not perfect. We are made in His image but we are not perfection as God is or as many of my friends say, Spirit. ( I understand there are folks of many beliefs here and this is just who I am). So in the last years beginning with the first day, 9/4/09, I have been so blessed by God and Eddie to receive many signs from Ed. They are crystal clear to me and I understand the significance of theses signs and the naysayers don't have to believe me, (I'm sure some people think I look for signs - yes, I do and also think I read to much into some signs, perhaps), but I know what I know. My sisters of the heart here too know what I mean as the dream/visits, the signs, the connections keep coming. My grief counselor 2 years ago told me to embrace the signs, so I do. I know as a believer that Ed is in Heaven, and enjoying eternal life without pain or tears. He still communicates with me, albeit not my preferred way but yet still I know he is just beyond my human condition. So why am I so sad? My epiphany is that all I ever wanted is for my child to be safe and happy and if I believe...believe God, believe the signs that tell me, believe what I know to be truth, then why am I so sad? I can rejoice that Ed's soul lives on and if I truly believe what I profess to, I know we will be reunited!
The reality is that I hate that Ed is not here, that his children miss him, that I won't have the comfort of my only child in my old age and that Ed has missed so much by leaving so soon. That grief is normal and appropriate. But my parallel reality is that I know he is beyond well and while I will always in my humaness miss & long for him, I can take comfort in the knowledge that he is safe and well and blissful where he is and it helps a lot.
Anyhow on his birthday I will make his favorite spice cake in his honor and his children, Ken, my daughter in law and I will sing to him and rejoice in his life and vow to honor his life by loving each other.
Love you, Ed. Thank you for being my son, my best friend and a good and kind person and Dad. Thank you for the signs that tell me you're well even though I should have enough faith - the faith gets weak sometimes so the signs help a lot. I miss you dearly and my mom's heart has been broken but I believe you are blissful and surrounded by love, light and God's perfection. So enjoy it. Rest in God's embrace because I'm doing ok. Love, mom
Fast forward to September 4th, 2009. The worst day of my life. The day my only child suddenly left for Heaven. September is now the cruelest month for me. I have his angel date and his birthday. This year I am looking forward to his birthday. After 3 years I am in a place that I feel I can celebrate him and his life again and the gift of him. There's been a shift...thank goodness!
So here's what my epiphany is. My son was/is a believer. He accepted Jesus as his Savior at the age of 5 and loved God his whole life. He wasn't perfect by any means but God knows that. We are not perfect. We are made in His image but we are not perfection as God is or as many of my friends say, Spirit. ( I understand there are folks of many beliefs here and this is just who I am). So in the last years beginning with the first day, 9/4/09, I have been so blessed by God and Eddie to receive many signs from Ed. They are crystal clear to me and I understand the significance of theses signs and the naysayers don't have to believe me, (I'm sure some people think I look for signs - yes, I do and also think I read to much into some signs, perhaps), but I know what I know. My sisters of the heart here too know what I mean as the dream/visits, the signs, the connections keep coming. My grief counselor 2 years ago told me to embrace the signs, so I do. I know as a believer that Ed is in Heaven, and enjoying eternal life without pain or tears. He still communicates with me, albeit not my preferred way but yet still I know he is just beyond my human condition. So why am I so sad? My epiphany is that all I ever wanted is for my child to be safe and happy and if I believe...believe God, believe the signs that tell me, believe what I know to be truth, then why am I so sad? I can rejoice that Ed's soul lives on and if I truly believe what I profess to, I know we will be reunited!
The reality is that I hate that Ed is not here, that his children miss him, that I won't have the comfort of my only child in my old age and that Ed has missed so much by leaving so soon. That grief is normal and appropriate. But my parallel reality is that I know he is beyond well and while I will always in my humaness miss & long for him, I can take comfort in the knowledge that he is safe and well and blissful where he is and it helps a lot.
Anyhow on his birthday I will make his favorite spice cake in his honor and his children, Ken, my daughter in law and I will sing to him and rejoice in his life and vow to honor his life by loving each other.
Love you, Ed. Thank you for being my son, my best friend and a good and kind person and Dad. Thank you for the signs that tell me you're well even though I should have enough faith - the faith gets weak sometimes so the signs help a lot. I miss you dearly and my mom's heart has been broken but I believe you are blissful and surrounded by love, light and God's perfection. So enjoy it. Rest in God's embrace because I'm doing ok. Love, mom
Replies
Linda, I could almost have written your journal Sept was always a good month for me with my birthday and going to Fl. to visit my Bill. His passing on 9/29 will always be the hardest moment of my life, but also am turning some corners. I am so glad you are where you are at and the signs are there for you. I can feel some joy back in your life. I will think of you on Sat and keep you in my prayers. Much love and comfort and continued peaceful. Yes our sons are in a happy place and surrounded by God;s love . Lynette Bills Mom
Linda, I agree with Lynette. You have written my life...the words of my aching, BELIEVING, heart. I cry over and over again in wretched agony KNOWING the very same things...but we are flesh...we were given tears so that we COULD cry. Like you, I selfishly would rather have my son back here on earth but I like the way you call it our \"parallel reality\"...how just beyond our \"human condition\" is our precious sons and others we have known who are in the perfect condition any mother would want for her child. I do remember you saying 2 yrs ago about your counselor advising to heed the signs. I am so thankful God loves us enough to know how that matters to us...comforting and peaceful even through the sting of tears. YES!! We will be reunited...and I just can\'t get that vision you planted in my head out....the dream you had of the concert and Brandon directing things....so very like him....always ideas running through his creative head. Thank you always for sharing that with me.
I know that spice cake will be yummy...and the fragrance will rise into heaven accompanied by your love! Love and hugs to you dear Linda....dale, brandon\'s mom
Dearest Linda HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUR SWEET ANGEL , YOUR SON , YOUR BEST FRIEND.I understand how you feel so much our children are in heaven and happy and no pain and we are grateful for that. But we would rather have them here with us, all the things we are missing without them here. As you Roz was my only child. I never hear her voice no more holidays are just empty for me But not to much we can do asbout it just accept it and hope when we die they are waiting in heaven for us. I for some reason keep thinking of that son\'WELL I LOOKED OVER JORDAN AND WHAT DID I SEE A BAND OF ANGELS COMING TO CARRY ME HOME\' AND I CAN PICTURE IN MY MINE ROZ, MY MOM MY BROTHER GRANDPARENTS, AUNTS , UNCLES, JUST WAVING AND RUNNING TO ME WE ARE ALL HUGGING AND SO HAPPY TO SEE EACH OTHER. IT ACTUALLY CHEERS ME UP. A BAND OF ANGELS COMING AFTER ME TO CARRY ME HOME. HAVE A WONDERFUL WED.,AND THANK YOU FOR LOOKING AT MY PICTURES OF ROZ. THAT MEANS ALOT. I WANT TO LEARN THAT WHOLE SONG (I LOOKE OVER JORDAN) IT IS SO UPLIFTING TO ME, THINK OF THAT WONDERFUL SCENE OUR BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN HUGGING US LAUGHING SHOWING US AROUND AND NOTHING BUT LOTS OF LOVE PEACE AND HAPPINESS FOREVER AND MOST OF ALL TO MEET JESUS. ALL OF IT SO UPLIFTING THINK ABOUT THAT SONG YOU WELL FEEL BETTER. BLESS EDDIE ANGEL LOVE MARY ANN
Linda it is so hard to be happy for our children that they are in heaven when we want them here. If I could be so selfish and had the power I would pluck Jeff right back out and bring him home, heart problem and all. I need him. Somehow that thought takes me to Gatlinburg and the butterfly release. I remember how Lynnette\'s poor little legs shook while she read her poem because she was so nervous to read it in front of all of us and then we released our butterflies. I can let go millions of butterflies but I\'ll truly never let go Jeff. I keep trying. I love you. Colleen
Everything you say is absolutely correct. Let me add that what we *know* (and I care not for anything others think of me for saying this, it\'s my responsibility) - that yes, Jesus did live and yes, Jesus did die, and yes, Jesus did rise from the dead and obtain eternal life for those the Father has given Him - does not always stop what we *feel*. Grief goes on. We want our child here, now, happy, healthy, whole; we want our child as we get old, not to hang onto and inflict ourselves upon, but as a great comfort and reminder of God\'s love for us. Yes, the signs are real. I\'ve had them myself. I\'ve also had three very powerful visions (one of April) - one of them while WIDE AWAKE (just snatched away as if in a dream, it was both amazing and terrifying). Others can believe as they will but the truth is we will all come face to Face one day with that unbelievably magnificent, all powerful and beyond beautiful God, hopefully in the Son Himself, and have to account for ourselves. We are close to the end times; the signs are everywhere. Remember what He said, when you see these signs \"Look up for your redemption is at hand.\" Happy birthday to your precious Ed who is now interceding FOR YOU. Yesterday in the Mass the gospel was the incident where Jesus came upon a dead young man who was his mother\'s only child, and the mother was herself a widow (in other words, alone in the world). Not having been asked, He took great pity on this woman and had great compassion for her. He said to the boy, \"Young man, arise\" and restored him to life and health. There are DOCUMENTED evidence of some of the great saints and doctors of the Church having done such. He knows your heart, He feels your pain, I believe He allows our children (those of us who trust Him) to come to us because His mother had to endure the agony and horror of watching Him suffer and die. God bless you.
You are walking your healing path with such intention and grace. Aware of all the things that hurt, that make you sad and long for Ed and also aware that he is safe, well and whole in his creator\'s presence. I know this helps as it does me too yet our humanness does long for their physical presence to be here with us now... Deepest of sighs...
September has taken on a new meaning for you these past few years and now this year you are ready to celebrate Ed with a song in your heart, his favorite spice cake and his story will continue to be told. This is grace and healing in action dear Linda.
In gratitude for your sharing where you find yourself today in this moment and for your companionship on this lonely path that none of us ever remember signing up for yet here we are. You possess such a warm and calming presence and it is needed in this world by each of us here on FMO, your family, your friends and all those lives you touch at work.
I\'ll be thinking of your birthday celebration for Ed on the 22nd and wishing I could be there when you blow out the candles and sing his heartsong.
Much love dearest Linda and always the tightest of hugs for your beloved Ed.
XO Joanie
I\'m sending you much love, and lots of hugs. When you spoke directly to your son I started crying, it was so moving. You will see him again one day. All I know is, he was, and is, so lucky to have a mum like you xxooxx
LL :) i appreciate your message directing me to your journal. My heart smiles at your invitation to share in what appears to be such a ginormous HEALING exhale for beautiful YOU ahhhhhhh... YAY YOU!!!
Im AWESOME! said Ed, as one of his last expressions before 9/4 shifted your heart drastically. Ohhh how it was so beautiful to feel your sons spirit shine upon us last October when you detailed to me his awesome moment hearing of that moment had rendered me such a peaceful whisper of beauty in wonder of what all fueled his expression?? Was it to feel loved by his family and friends to feel celebrated as Septembers nature signaled his upcoming birthday with the change of seasons kicking in to feel cared for to feel seen to feel connected and accepted to feel at peace with where his journey took him and secure in self for what was to come and where he was headed to feel the freedom of knowing and living confidently with soul gratitude to his Moms unwavering consistency of showing up for him in any and every moment to be able to exclaim Im AWESOME!?????? Could be one of the above, could be all of the above, could be none of the above all that matters is that he is AWESOME! Your happiest day is nearing once more September 22nd. May you celebrate Ed and feel awesome joy and awesome love with your awesome family & friends through togetherness. :)
Thank You for how you & your son profoundly imprint my heart Will have you know, you tree are an ongoing sign in my life. Eye see you I feel you I give thanks for you And I respect every path of experience that makes you, beautiful unique YOU! Far in distance, but close in heart as I will join in celebration of your awesome day of 9/22 for ED!!! And on 10/6, may you smile your tremendous smile as I will celebrate YOU my friend, with a fork clink from deep in the South Pacific blue, in honor of our time together last fall when you touched my heart deeply with AWESOME! I love you Linda Love... XO9
Oh Linda, Your beautiful journal speaks volumes to me and, I think, all of us here. YES! There are signs letting us know that our beloved children are OK and still very much a part of our lives. No doubt about it! The special way you plant to celebrate Ed\'s birthday is inspirational. \"(We) will sing to him and rejoice in his life and vow to honor his life by loving each other.\" There just isn\'t anything more perfect than this....thank you so much for sharing your deepest feelings with us, sending you peace and love, Anne
Hello beautiful! Boy do I love this journal!!!! This is my truth exactly! I battled the same war we all do.....that first laugh, that first feel good about anything moment, and the immediate guilt that rushes in. I think everyone single mom here has at one time or another written about it. BUT, knowing what we believe, knowing what we know in the deepest places of our souls, we can\'t NOT rejoice in the truth that Ed and Kala, and all of our kids ARE. Can\'t help but shout out.....IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!! (borrowing Dale\'s song). Because truly it is well with my soul. For sure this flesh aches and my human brain can conjure up all sorts of painful thoughts, but when I get down to where the rubber meets the road, as my pastor used to say, I know that I know that I know that I know.....Kala IS and she is SO much more than I can even imagine! I cry for me. I cry for you. But I shout joyously for Kala and Ed!!!!
WooHoo! WooHoo! WooHoo!
Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!
Kala! Kala! Kala! Kala!
Wow!! So many wonderful comments to your beautiful journal and love letter to Ed!! Sept is a special month to me now too. yesterday was my birthday, but Sept. 1st is the day I lost my only son, my sweet Dean. I missed him singing \"Happy Happy Birthday, Baby\", like Elvis Presley, lol. I am continuing to put one foot in front of the other, but Sept. will never be the same for me.
I will think about you and Ed on the 22nd. and wish him Happy Birthday!!
((((HUGS))))....Julia
Oh Linda . Your journal is so beautiful and thought provoking ! just what all of us heartbroken Moms need to read/feel/hope.And all those signs! Love to ((((((You ))))))and precious ((((((((((Ed)))))))))always. - Janice
Yes it is a two sided emotional state to say the least. I am happy that Wes is finally at peace he no longer needs to take all of the medications that made him his mind so foggy and droggy and stifled his artistic side just to drown out the voices, he is clear headed happy, enjoying loved ones from his past and I am sure loving it there I am so very thankful that he is at peace, but my heart will break every day for the rest of my life and I will miss him with every breath that I take and I will feel the loss of him with every beat of my heart and if given the choice to have him back struggling the way he was I would have to say no let him stay in peace and happiness. Happy Birthday Ed Hugs...Kathy
I am thankful I am your friend and are able to read this beautiful, sad and joyful journal. May Ed continue to send you signs to give you peace and comfort and may the celebration and love of Ed\'s life here on this planet continue throughout you and your family\'s lives forever! Your friend, Barb
I\'m so glad you\'re feeling some peace and celebrating Ed in such a special way...just beautiful and heartwarming. Love to you, Valerie