Enveloped by darkness

Last time I spoke to my dr I spoke of my overwhelming anxiety. He prescribed something that my angst seems to burn off but I suppose takes the edge off. With my anxiety soothed a bit my depression took over in full front & center force taking my breath from me & leaving me steeped in grief & a loneliness that nothing can touch. I wake up with it & now it follows me thru the entire day till I finally go to sleep at an unbelievably early hour bc I just cannot stand being awake anymore. I talk & talk & talk about it bc that's what you're supposed to do but every waking moment I feel myself pushing every one away bc this kind of relentless pain is so personal not one person in the world can understand why you would allow it to exist inside you. All the time. I envy everyone who isn't me & I KNOW that is rediculous. I know I'm lucky. I feel I'm cursed. So enter guilt. 
has anyone heard of TMS? If covered by insurance( bc it's unrealistically expensive) it's my last hope. Even tho I've begged to be taken to the hospital in my most desperate moments who wants to be in a hospital during COVID?  What could they possibly do for me but give me bandaid meds in massive doses & then set me free ASAP. I'm actually afraid my dr will prescribe the hospital as I've read in his reviews that he is leery of extremely depressed patients. Of course in my state of unreality I can't imagine he has a patient more difficult than me. 
ok. Enough whining for now. I feel anxiety rearing it's nasty head as I talk about it. I need help. Distractions don't help. Nothing feels good nothing tastes good. Everything is tainted & dark as hell I need a hug. Does anyone have a hug for me?