Emptiness
I never knew love existed to the degree it did until I help my son in my arms. A love that was so wonderful and like none I've ever known before.
I never knew pain existed to the degree it did until I stood there looking into the casket of my son and his still, cold body was all that was left.
I never knew emptiness existed to the degree it did until I walked this path with the other parents who have children pass away. Sadly it's a crowded path none of us ever want to travel.
My son would have turned 31 on September 12 this year. I tend not to a total mess around his birthday but this year was different. I just can't seem to bounce back from this. My heart aches all the time. I just don't seem to have any joy and everything seems to take more strength than it does normally. I just can't shake it.
I work - I come home and I sleep. Repeat. Day after day after day .... It's almost like it was those first months after Randy Lee passed. No matter how hard I tried - I couldn't see outside the bleakness.
No matter how I try I just can't get past this. I don't see an end.
This isn't a suicide cry - I don't believe in suicide. I need to know I will see Randy Lee again one day and for that I don't get to determine the end date.
Something will click - something will shake me.
A positive in all the darkness ... I got to meet my"bonus granddaughter". She's so tiny, beautiful and perfect. I'm very thankful and lucky that her mom & dad and both sets of grandparents share her (and her parents) with me.
This is my favorite time of year ~ fall. The crisp air, the colors, the smells of cider, pumpkin pie and hot cocoa. Maybe it will snap me awake :)
I never knew pain existed to the degree it did until I stood there looking into the casket of my son and his still, cold body was all that was left.
I never knew emptiness existed to the degree it did until I walked this path with the other parents who have children pass away. Sadly it's a crowded path none of us ever want to travel.
My son would have turned 31 on September 12 this year. I tend not to a total mess around his birthday but this year was different. I just can't seem to bounce back from this. My heart aches all the time. I just don't seem to have any joy and everything seems to take more strength than it does normally. I just can't shake it.
I work - I come home and I sleep. Repeat. Day after day after day .... It's almost like it was those first months after Randy Lee passed. No matter how hard I tried - I couldn't see outside the bleakness.
No matter how I try I just can't get past this. I don't see an end.
This isn't a suicide cry - I don't believe in suicide. I need to know I will see Randy Lee again one day and for that I don't get to determine the end date.
Something will click - something will shake me.
A positive in all the darkness ... I got to meet my"bonus granddaughter". She's so tiny, beautiful and perfect. I'm very thankful and lucky that her mom & dad and both sets of grandparents share her (and her parents) with me.
This is my favorite time of year ~ fall. The crisp air, the colors, the smells of cider, pumpkin pie and hot cocoa. Maybe it will snap me awake :)
Replies
It is amazing to me that I get up and go to work each day. Considering both of my girls are gone, I think it is a miracle that I can do so much. Don\'t be hard on yourself with what you can and cannot accomplish. It seems to me that things come in waves. Some days are better than other and its okay to just ride the surf.
I agree the Fall is a wonderful time of year, enjoy and be kind to yourself, Hugs, Kathy
I can identify with so much of what you\'ve written. I think Kathy\'s right about it coming in waves. I will have a few days of being pretty much ok and then something comes along and knocks me off my feet again. Hoping you find some moments of peace soon. Hugs, Paula
Oh yes the emptiness.... It\'s so painful. My heart hurts for you, for all of us. Saying you need to know you will see Randy Lee again really touched me. I think that is what gets me through these difficult days, keeping my hope & faith strong that I will see my sons, Jeremy & Chad again one day. Let\'s hang on my friend for that wonderful time of being reunited with our sons.
Hugs of compassion & understanding.... Vicki
I read those first three statements... They were almost poetic... Things I Never Knew... I so identify. I sometimes deliberately look for my memories of the time from when I knew I was going to have Cara, the first time I felt her move, gathering things for my baby soon to arrive, to those magical moments when I first saw her, those first few days. I wanted children from about age 14, but the intensity the magic really hit me from the first time I felt her move. I am so grateful for those memories.
As much as I hate that Cara died... I am so grateful that she lived. It doesn\'t mean I don\'t have times and many of them when for a while I can\'t feel anything but my sadness for her earthly death that came a lifetime too early. I hate and resent it. I cling to my memories and my gratefulness for the years I had. Sometimes I feel strong in my belief about life beyond this one. I\'m fragile and sometimes I have to struggle to believe. I\'m so afraid I won\'t see her again, so I really understand your fears. I really should be invincible considering all the signs, visions, visits I\'ve had that tell me, \'nothing ever dies, it only changes forms.\'
I am praying that you\'ll find comfort in our words. I know this battle is an ongoing battle, the struggle, the moments when we can hardly breathe for the pain, and thankfully moments when we find comfort, some gentle moments, joy even though tinged with pain, all days we\'ll hurt. Its part of the price. Hanging on to the gratefulness makes it a bit more doable. Hugs Elissa
I too, feel for you. I know what it is to love and to miss someone so much! I also don\'t believe in suicide and cling to the day when I will see my son again. I wish none of us had to go through this and I know how the intensity increases and thankfully decreases. Like Kathy says it comes in waves. I hope you can hold Randy Lee close to your heart but pray for your diminished grief over the next few days. With great love, comes great grief or so I have read and it makes sense.
Sending you and Randy Lee love and hugs of compassion,
Leda