emotions all over....
Throughout the day I have been constantly sitting on the verge of tears. My throat is tight because I can feel the anxiety rising and the tears forming. My stomach is in knots. I cannot seem to picture this week going well. I am terrified and want to disappear. I cannot tolerate the feelings that are swarming through my body. I want to escape. Escape my body, my mind, my life.
Why do I keep going in this uncanny world? What is there for me? Nothing. The future is bleak. The path to freedom is blocked. The path to climb the mountain is covered in ice. There is no way to move forward. So why do I sit here and wait for myself to slowly disappear in this quick sand? Can't the disappearing effect just go faster?
I can't see myself healed and recovered. Not even a glimpse of it. What does it take to even imagine freedom? Just an image would do for now.
I would rather be recovering from being addicted to drugs or alcohol than having an eating disorder and all these other mental illnesses.
I feel all alone. I do not feel as though I have anyone to turn to. I just cry and cry alone. These are the times where I crawl into my corner and just cry in a ball. I cannot make it through this week alone. Why did Joanna have to leave? I feel as though she dumped me. Left me for the rats to gnaw on. I know she didn't, but I can't stop myself from feeling that way. I am miserable and I have no one to talk to. No one to help me through it. It's only me and my mind. Me and my emotions. I can not handle that myself. It's too much to juggle alone.
I want to disappear. Leave.
Why do I keep going in this uncanny world? What is there for me? Nothing. The future is bleak. The path to freedom is blocked. The path to climb the mountain is covered in ice. There is no way to move forward. So why do I sit here and wait for myself to slowly disappear in this quick sand? Can't the disappearing effect just go faster?
I can't see myself healed and recovered. Not even a glimpse of it. What does it take to even imagine freedom? Just an image would do for now.
I would rather be recovering from being addicted to drugs or alcohol than having an eating disorder and all these other mental illnesses.
I feel all alone. I do not feel as though I have anyone to turn to. I just cry and cry alone. These are the times where I crawl into my corner and just cry in a ball. I cannot make it through this week alone. Why did Joanna have to leave? I feel as though she dumped me. Left me for the rats to gnaw on. I know she didn't, but I can't stop myself from feeling that way. I am miserable and I have no one to talk to. No one to help me through it. It's only me and my mind. Me and my emotions. I can not handle that myself. It's too much to juggle alone.
I want to disappear. Leave.
Replies
I hope you know that you are never a burden and that you could always talk to me. No matter differences in disorders, I\'d try my best to relate. And you DO have someone to talk to. I\'m always here :)
remember, breath, breath. get out and get some air, get away frm being inside. all addictions are bad, i can only relate to eating disorders and chronic depression and anxiety. i wouldnt wish any addiction an anyone. you can make it through without joanne, it will be hard, but maybe this is a good test. stay focused eat your meal plan, focus staying on track, that will occupy your mind. i hope you feel better very soon.
Don\'t look at the whole week now - way too overwhelming. One day at a time or maybe just an hour.
You know escaping only works a short time and makes you feel guilty afterwards. Sooner or later you have to come back to reality and face your issues. Totally agree with you on rather having another addiction to where there was something to give up. Ed just sucks. We have a girl who was alcoholic, druggie and anorexic. She said that ed is the toughest to beat, obviously since she is here. She said the other two were a piece of cake compared to it.
What do have in the future? Your whole life. Career, babies and a healthy marriage, freedom from your parents. It\'s sad that you can\'t even imagine life without ed. I\'m scared shitless myself about recovery but as determined as it gets. Which I could give you some determination. And babe you are so not alone. You have the most dedicated therapist ever.
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Do you have another support system other then Joanna...do you have more on your treatment team? or support group...just thinking maybe during the week you could just see them...so you could have a check in, just so you could have that piece of mind knowing that you have a check in and knowing you can make it... NOT your parents..but somebody outside, of Joanna.. just thinking, I know when my therapist leaves or I am gone we have a check in system.. (when I am not doing the best) or if I am doing really well I work with my triathlon group of friends... or Ds friends.. Alright I know you can do this and Karrin said it perfect One day at a time, even one second at a time!! You can do it
Hang in there - you are so worth being here and we love you. I do agree with tri and it sounds like you need some support right now. Do you have anyone that can help you while Joanna is gone? You have so many things to be thankful for - your wedding with Carlos, your cruise, your recovery, your school, your friends, family - these all are things that can make your life better and help you through this time. We all have times that suck and just know that it WILL get better. Is there any good things you can focus on right now - even something small like a book, a piece of jewelry, your animals? Can we do anything to help?
Thanks guys. Each day seems to get worse. I let my emotions out many ways today and emailing Joanna today and Saturday were the only good ways. I have been restricting, purging, using self harm...I\'m weighing myself tomorrow and am scared Out of my mind.
Tonerow I see my psychiatrist and thrsday my dietitian. My old therapist is in the same building as my psych so I asked
Him if he was going to be there. I will talk to him but it\'s not the same. I have a much better
Connection and more
Trust in her. Before anyone else in the world I would have her
Be my medical power of attorney. In fact inwosh she good. She knows me better than anyone else in the world