Emotional Turmoil
I don't know what to write or what to say... Everything is a mess. Sometimes I feel great, I'm happy, optimistic, full of life... But other times I'm so depressed and lifeless and I don't want to leave my bed...the worst part is it varies day to day, sometimes varying during a single day.
I cried today, mourned for the miscarriage I had years ago, I felt so empty and all I want to do right now is cry and I want the man who I was with at the time to hold me and to tell me he feels it too... We're still close friends, but we've both moved on and I feel like I can't talk to Colin about it.. Like he won't understand what I feel.. I don't want to feel vulnerable around him, I don't know why, but I keep this barrier with him that I can't figure out and it's so frustrating... Either my subconscious thinks he's the one and I should go slow or it thinks it won't last and I shouldn't open up. I just want to hit something, just punch and kick and let it all out.. I have so much pent up and I can't let it out. I just want the release. I just want the escape.
I question if I should bring up the miscarriage with Adam... Question if I should try to talk to him about what we lost... Amanda told me he was having a hard time with it before, but since then they've had 2 abortions and it hasn't seemed to phase him all too much...maybe because they chose? All I know is I hurt so much... Some days I fantasize about what life would be like if we got back together, I don't think I ever could though, I deserve better than that. It's still hard though.
I'm just tired of all the pain, anxiety and anger... I'm tired of feeling empty and burnt out... I just want to feel like myself again.
I cried today, mourned for the miscarriage I had years ago, I felt so empty and all I want to do right now is cry and I want the man who I was with at the time to hold me and to tell me he feels it too... We're still close friends, but we've both moved on and I feel like I can't talk to Colin about it.. Like he won't understand what I feel.. I don't want to feel vulnerable around him, I don't know why, but I keep this barrier with him that I can't figure out and it's so frustrating... Either my subconscious thinks he's the one and I should go slow or it thinks it won't last and I shouldn't open up. I just want to hit something, just punch and kick and let it all out.. I have so much pent up and I can't let it out. I just want the release. I just want the escape.
I question if I should bring up the miscarriage with Adam... Question if I should try to talk to him about what we lost... Amanda told me he was having a hard time with it before, but since then they've had 2 abortions and it hasn't seemed to phase him all too much...maybe because they chose? All I know is I hurt so much... Some days I fantasize about what life would be like if we got back together, I don't think I ever could though, I deserve better than that. It's still hard though.
I'm just tired of all the pain, anxiety and anger... I'm tired of feeling empty and burnt out... I just want to feel like myself again.
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