Emotional abuse and silent treatment filled my night again
When I got home tonight he asked if I wanted to talk. After the events this baffled me. What's there to talk about?? I asked him this, and he said 'about last night'. I said that apart from him apologising for shouting at me, swearing at me and putting the phone down on me there wasn't anything to talk about.
He said he got mad because I wouldn't drop the subject!! I didn't even bring the issue up in the first place, he was the ranting and swearing about why my mobile phone goes onto the answerphone if there is no reception, because -he reckons- if he can get through to the answerphone, he should be able to get through to me. Moron! When I told him not to shout and swear, or I'll not continue the conversation, infuriatingly he hang up on me!
I did not go on at all! Why is he lying and making things up? So he doesn't have to take responsibility for his behaviour?!
He got mad at me tonight when I said that the only thing to be said about last night is for him to apologise for his behaviour. He just walked off in a huff and didn't see him for the rest of the night. He stayed upstairs and I watched telly. He went to sleep in the spare room.
I told him when he walked off that I had enough of this. I really did. Even my Mum agrees now that it's better to be alone than in a mindf*cking abusive relationship. She -and my bff and my other friends- have been really supportive. I feel though that I'm such a burden with all my problems and don't really keep in touch with anyone apart from my Mum and my bff.
I am scared about my future and hope I'll be ok. But looking forward to living alone with my dog and my rabbit in my house. About 6-7 more weeks.
I'll be sad to move out, I'm sure he'll be all drama and sad about me moving out. End of an era.
I didn't think it'll end like this a year ago! It'll be strange not having a bf - have been in and out of relationships since I was 17! It'll be weird not living with him. I'll miss his kind, gentle, protective side, the man I loved so much. I'll miss the talks and walks we had, and the good times, even though they were brief and scattered with bad times, his tantrums, his temper, his shouting and emotional abuse. Why do I always remember the good things??? It's like my brain in preventing me from moving on??
I keep questioning myself to see if it's a mistake leaving him. Because I keep thinking that I'll never meet anyone as protective, as good to talk to, as kind and generous. It's like 2 people, and if I split up with one, I lose both!
Just feel so tired and worn out.
He said he got mad because I wouldn't drop the subject!! I didn't even bring the issue up in the first place, he was the ranting and swearing about why my mobile phone goes onto the answerphone if there is no reception, because -he reckons- if he can get through to the answerphone, he should be able to get through to me. Moron! When I told him not to shout and swear, or I'll not continue the conversation, infuriatingly he hang up on me!
I did not go on at all! Why is he lying and making things up? So he doesn't have to take responsibility for his behaviour?!
He got mad at me tonight when I said that the only thing to be said about last night is for him to apologise for his behaviour. He just walked off in a huff and didn't see him for the rest of the night. He stayed upstairs and I watched telly. He went to sleep in the spare room.
I told him when he walked off that I had enough of this. I really did. Even my Mum agrees now that it's better to be alone than in a mindf*cking abusive relationship. She -and my bff and my other friends- have been really supportive. I feel though that I'm such a burden with all my problems and don't really keep in touch with anyone apart from my Mum and my bff.
I am scared about my future and hope I'll be ok. But looking forward to living alone with my dog and my rabbit in my house. About 6-7 more weeks.
I'll be sad to move out, I'm sure he'll be all drama and sad about me moving out. End of an era.
I didn't think it'll end like this a year ago! It'll be strange not having a bf - have been in and out of relationships since I was 17! It'll be weird not living with him. I'll miss his kind, gentle, protective side, the man I loved so much. I'll miss the talks and walks we had, and the good times, even though they were brief and scattered with bad times, his tantrums, his temper, his shouting and emotional abuse. Why do I always remember the good things??? It's like my brain in preventing me from moving on??
I keep questioning myself to see if it's a mistake leaving him. Because I keep thinking that I'll never meet anyone as protective, as good to talk to, as kind and generous. It's like 2 people, and if I split up with one, I lose both!
Just feel so tired and worn out.
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WHY YOU ONLY REMEMBER THE GOOD STUFF OF A BAD RELATIONSHIP
PART I
by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Over and over again women are puzzled by their own process in trying to recover from a pathological relationship. What is puzzling is that despite the treatment they received by him, despite the absolute mind screwing he did to her emotions, not only is the attraction still VERY INTENSE but also the POSITIVE memories still remain strong.
Woman after woman says the same thing that when it comes to remaining strong in not contacting him (what we call Starving the Vampire) she struggles to pull up (and maintain the pulled up) negative memories of him and his behavior that could help her keep strong and detached.
But why? Why are the positive memories floating around in her head freely and strongly and yet the bad memories are stuffed in a mind closet full of fuzzy cobwebs that prevent her from actively
reacting to those memories?
There are a couple of reasons of which we will discuss today only the first one. Lets think of your mind like a computer. Memories are stored much like they are stored on a computer. When there is pain and trauma, memories are stored differently then when its a positive memory. Pulling up the negative memories from your hard drive is different than pulling up a memory that is on your desk top as an icon emblem.
Traumatic memories get fragmented on their way to being stored on the hard drive. They get divided up into more than one file. In one file is the emotional feelings, another file is the sights, another file the sounds, another file the physical sensations.
But a WHOLE and complete memory is made up of ALL those files TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME what you emotionally felt, saw, heard, and physically experienced. Not just one piece of it and not just the positive memory of it. A memory is good + bad = complete.
But when things are traumatic, (or stressful) the mind seperates the whole experience into smaller bits and pieces and then stores them seperately in the mind because its less painful that way.
When women try to remind themselves why they should not be with him, they might get flashes of the bad memory but strangely, the emotional feelings are NOT attached to it. They wonder where did the feelings go? They can see the bad event but they dont feel much about what they remember.
If you are playing a movie without the sound, how do you know what the actors are passionately feeling? Its the same thing with this traumatic recall of memories. You might see the video but not hear the pain in the voices. The negative or traumatic memory is divided up into several files and you are only accessing one of the files in a place where you have stored the positive aspects of the relationship.
To complicate things further, positive memories are not stored like negative memories. They are not divided up into other files. They do not need to be they are not traumatic.
So when you remember a time when the relationship was good or cuddly or the early parts of the relationships which are notoriously honeymoonish, the whole memory comes up the emotional feelings, the visual, the auditory, the sensations. You have a WHOLE and STRONG memory with that. Of course that is WAY MORE appealing to have a memory that is not only GOOD but one in which you feel all the powerful aspects of it as well.
Now, close your eyes and pull up a negative memory can you feel the difference? You might see it but not feel it. Or hear it and not see much of it. Or feel a physical sensation of it but not the emotional piece that SHOULD go with the physical sensation. No matter what your experience is of the negative emotion, it is probably fragmented in some way.
Negative and traumatic memories are often incomplete memories they are memory fragments floating all over your computer/mind. They are small files holding tiny bits of info that have fragmented your sense of the whole complete memory. These distorted and broken memory fragments are easily lost in your mind.
If you have grown up in an abusive or alcoholic home, you were already subconsciously trained how to seperate out memories like this. If your abuse was severe enough early on, your mind just automatically does this anyway if you get scared, or someone raises their voice, or you feel fear in anyway your
brain starts breaking down the painful experience so its easier for you to cope with.
Next week we will talk about one other way your mind handles positive and negative memories and why you are flooded with positive recall and blocked from remembering and feeling those negative things hes done to you.
I hope by now with these newsletters you can see the unqiue aspects of what you have lived thru in the pathological relationship and why this is a whole different thing to heal from then other relationships. This is why regular counseling often does not work and forget about reading regular relationship books! They are NOT written for pathologically based dynamics! Imago therapy is not gonna help this. Dr. Phils books arent gonna touch this. The pathological relationship dynamics are UNIQUE and require a combination of several approaches to help you heal. If your parents were pathological as well, you have the double whammy to heal from.
Please do not live your whole life with symptoms that CAN BE treated and helped. We have made our retreats as cheap as we possibly can so that each of you can receive help and healing.
Thank you Susy, this made me cry from the realisation that this is all true! I had no idea! Do you have the second part?
See, my friends they just think this is a bad relationship, same as my Mum did but I think she\'s beginning to understand it now!
I\'m in the UK as you know, can you email me about how I could work with/get in touch with Sandra Brown, or are there any books I can read? Where is her retreat, how long is the retreat and how much is it?
Thank you Susy! Any advice on what to do when the good memories prevent me from seeing the reality? How can I shut them off and remind myself strongly of the pain, so I stay on track? I expect it\'ll be easier when I move out. About 7 weeks to go!!!
He just doesn\'t deserve you. He is acting so horribly and I\'m so glad you only have another 6-7 weeks with him. And he is totally twisting things around to avoid responsibility for his actions. You have every right to be totally fed up with his behavior.
I really think you won\'t regret leaving him in the long run. It\'ll be hard, but it will be so worth it. You can do it!!!!! *Hugs*
Amazon, I am so sorry to hear that you are still in such pain. He is manipulative and abusive. He won\'t change, It is not you. He will not accept responsibility for himself. You will get through this! :)
Thank you Pip, I need to hear this, hopefully it\'ll help me realise that it wasn\'t my fault and I can take myself away from the pain he us still putting me through. All my friends and my Mum are saying helpful and supportive things too, and thanks to Susy\'s explanation I now understand why I am holding on to the good memories, even though the bad ones far outweigh the few good ones. The pain is immense and I want to be free if it, but being without him seems so scary! Why am I so afraid?? I think I\'m scared to be alone?