eeeeeeeeeeek
As time gets closer to leaving for Florida, I am more nervous. And that does not include the amount of anxiety I have. I am paranoid that I am forgetting something. That something is not right. That something is going to happen to my animals while I am away. I am super anxious.
Christmas Eve was okay- I was pretty cranky the whole day. First there was work. People were angry (associates and customers) and bitchy all day- I kept my cool the best I could. Then there were a lot of associates doing jack shit all day. I worked an 8hr shift and was closing. There was 1 manager and 3 associates closing. Well, it might as well just have been me closing. One associate (who always does her job) was closing the register and we had a customer that would not leave...finally left at 6:40- the store closed at 6pm. I was okay with that. But Jen...throughout the entire day should would disappear just leaving her register empty. Then when it was time to face all the shelves and clean etc she went MIA. Eventually saw her and she was talking on her phone. So essentially I faced/cleaned/shut down EVERYTHING in the store. There was no way I was going to finish everything by 7pm when I was off. Luckily once 7pm came the manager just said screw it, go home and have a good Christmas, you did more than your share today. But...everyone left. I felt horrible leaving and didn't want to because things were not completely finished. I was so frustrated. When I left I saw I had a message from Carlos- it asked when I was going to be home. He knew very well that I got off at 7pm, he sent it at 620pm. When I sent a message back saying I was just leaving his response was, "well that would of been helpful 40min ago". That was it. I was at my breaking point and just cried. Carlos and I talked and all was good afterwards.
Eventually made it to mom and dad's. The night was so frustrating. Everything seemed to be about Alyssa. My parent's and Carlos loved the gifts I made for them. My sister opened it, said 'awe this is cute' and then set it down. Eventually at the end of the night, all the clothes and purchased gifts clearly were more appreciated...this made me very sad. Alyssa talked constantly the whole night and wouldn't shut up. If she wasn't talking she was texting Charlie. Everything is so material for her. Ahh. At one point my mother got a new set of kitchen knives (beautiful ones)! A bit later I asked my mom if I could have her old knives (which are really nice!) if she planned on getting rid of them. Alyssa rudely interrupted me and said, "I'm moving into an apartment and have nothing- I get them." I was furious and had enough of her bullshit for the night. I couldn't stop myself and said, "you already are getting a couch and the eckbank." No response. Then Dad changed the topic.
I laid low besides that one comment. Same with the next morning. We then went to Carlos' mother's and step dad's house Sunday afternoon. I prepared the meal because Chris was not feeling well. It wasn't much at all since he had already made the turkey. We had a decent time there- the puppies are really cute and sweet...when they are not yapping.
Today I felt much better since I went to work- I feel sooo much more accomplished. I felt like a sack of potatoes this weekend. I feel as though there is NO WAY I have lost any weight this past week. I am seeing Jill tomorrow morning and am scared that I may have gained weight. I am really nervous because I have not had the guts to weigh myself. What am I going to do? I'm going to be in a car on a long drive all day. How am I going to get rid of any uncomfortable feelings tomorrow. Crap- I didn't think of that in advance. What am I going to do the whole car ride? I'm going to be bored out of my mind. And when i am at oma and opas..there is going to be too much free time. and all day next Sunday when we aren't going to a park? and Alyssa- how the heck am i going to deal with her. I am so nervous right now- i can feel myself getting more anxious with each second. and what about food? what am i going to eat? where am i going to eat? i hate eating out and that's probably all we are going to be doing once we get to Orlando. i know if i eat salads everyone will get on my ass. but what else am i going to eat. i don't trust what people put in food at restaurants. I cant sit still right now. I wish i 1were able to come in today. I feel like i have anger, anxiety, frustrations, and nerves all built up inside of me. And I'm nervous as to what oma and opa are going to say or comment when i see them. Are they going to look at me and saw i look much better? or the same? or worse? how are they going to take things in. how am i going to handle what they saw.i haven't seen them since a few weeks prior to me going to sheppard pratt. ahhh I'm starting to not want to go now. so scared. i need to calm down right now, but there are so many things running through my head right now. i don't feel like i can control it all. its another fucking hamster wheel spinning inside my body.
Christmas Eve was okay- I was pretty cranky the whole day. First there was work. People were angry (associates and customers) and bitchy all day- I kept my cool the best I could. Then there were a lot of associates doing jack shit all day. I worked an 8hr shift and was closing. There was 1 manager and 3 associates closing. Well, it might as well just have been me closing. One associate (who always does her job) was closing the register and we had a customer that would not leave...finally left at 6:40- the store closed at 6pm. I was okay with that. But Jen...throughout the entire day should would disappear just leaving her register empty. Then when it was time to face all the shelves and clean etc she went MIA. Eventually saw her and she was talking on her phone. So essentially I faced/cleaned/shut down EVERYTHING in the store. There was no way I was going to finish everything by 7pm when I was off. Luckily once 7pm came the manager just said screw it, go home and have a good Christmas, you did more than your share today. But...everyone left. I felt horrible leaving and didn't want to because things were not completely finished. I was so frustrated. When I left I saw I had a message from Carlos- it asked when I was going to be home. He knew very well that I got off at 7pm, he sent it at 620pm. When I sent a message back saying I was just leaving his response was, "well that would of been helpful 40min ago". That was it. I was at my breaking point and just cried. Carlos and I talked and all was good afterwards.
Eventually made it to mom and dad's. The night was so frustrating. Everything seemed to be about Alyssa. My parent's and Carlos loved the gifts I made for them. My sister opened it, said 'awe this is cute' and then set it down. Eventually at the end of the night, all the clothes and purchased gifts clearly were more appreciated...this made me very sad. Alyssa talked constantly the whole night and wouldn't shut up. If she wasn't talking she was texting Charlie. Everything is so material for her. Ahh. At one point my mother got a new set of kitchen knives (beautiful ones)! A bit later I asked my mom if I could have her old knives (which are really nice!) if she planned on getting rid of them. Alyssa rudely interrupted me and said, "I'm moving into an apartment and have nothing- I get them." I was furious and had enough of her bullshit for the night. I couldn't stop myself and said, "you already are getting a couch and the eckbank." No response. Then Dad changed the topic.
I laid low besides that one comment. Same with the next morning. We then went to Carlos' mother's and step dad's house Sunday afternoon. I prepared the meal because Chris was not feeling well. It wasn't much at all since he had already made the turkey. We had a decent time there- the puppies are really cute and sweet...when they are not yapping.
Today I felt much better since I went to work- I feel sooo much more accomplished. I felt like a sack of potatoes this weekend. I feel as though there is NO WAY I have lost any weight this past week. I am seeing Jill tomorrow morning and am scared that I may have gained weight. I am really nervous because I have not had the guts to weigh myself. What am I going to do? I'm going to be in a car on a long drive all day. How am I going to get rid of any uncomfortable feelings tomorrow. Crap- I didn't think of that in advance. What am I going to do the whole car ride? I'm going to be bored out of my mind. And when i am at oma and opas..there is going to be too much free time. and all day next Sunday when we aren't going to a park? and Alyssa- how the heck am i going to deal with her. I am so nervous right now- i can feel myself getting more anxious with each second. and what about food? what am i going to eat? where am i going to eat? i hate eating out and that's probably all we are going to be doing once we get to Orlando. i know if i eat salads everyone will get on my ass. but what else am i going to eat. i don't trust what people put in food at restaurants. I cant sit still right now. I wish i 1were able to come in today. I feel like i have anger, anxiety, frustrations, and nerves all built up inside of me. And I'm nervous as to what oma and opa are going to say or comment when i see them. Are they going to look at me and saw i look much better? or the same? or worse? how are they going to take things in. how am i going to handle what they saw.i haven't seen them since a few weeks prior to me going to sheppard pratt. ahhh I'm starting to not want to go now. so scared. i need to calm down right now, but there are so many things running through my head right now. i don't feel like i can control it all. its another fucking hamster wheel spinning inside my body.
Replies
Xmas brings out the worst in people. Everybody is stressed and impatient and it sounds like you got your share of it. Carlos can be quite the smart ass but I\'m glad you guys just put it behind you.
Sisterly love - not 100% ever - there is always jealousy and competition. I have two so I know how it is.
Why are you afraid that you might have gained weight, Jill would be thrilled but it doesn\'t sound that you overindulged in anything. As far as vacation goes, you are thinking way too much into the future. One day at a time. I\'m sure your oma and opa will just be happy to see you and might not comment at all. Wouldn\'t that be nice? When we eat out I feel pretty safe with wraps. Take your meal plan, that might keep you actually calm.
boy, i could of written this. the work issue i understand 100%, but i have learned and try to remeind myself, that others just arent going to pull thier share and you have a great work ethic and your boss clearly knows this.it is so hard to keep your mouth shut, but you did, very mature of you. carlos was an ass, but at least it didnt ruin your christmas toghter, that is good. i will say to not project and that is what we all should do, as it is really the only way to get by at times. i know though that it is so hard to not think ahead. journaling is a good realease and taking time for you, and i dont mean work, also helps. as you have done with joanne and jill, write down pros and cons, write down ideas to keep busy there, do oma and opa have internet, if not i am sure there are wi-fi cafes. i dont understand why you are worried about weight gain, it sounds like you think jill will be upset, i say the exact opposite, i read no where that you overate. many hugssss and support