Ed's Angel Date
Ed's second Angel date was a week ago Sunday, September 4th. I think this one was harder than the first for some reason. Joshua & Christina (Ed's children) their mother, several friends of Eddie's and my ex husband (Ed's father) and Ken & I met at the cemetery. We brought flowers, I wrote Ed a letter and we grieved together. My ex husband took it hard since he has a lot of guilt for abandoning his son and this was the first time he had visited the grave since Joshua didn't want him around prior to this. Joshua has had a change of heart and now will allow the ex to visit the cemetery. Joshua is trying to forgive.
Then we came back to my house for lasagna, salad, fudge pie - all of Ed's favorite. The cooking had kept me busy & was a good distraction. I had set up a couple of displays with Ed's Bible and some pictures on one and another with cards people had sent and more pictures. We played a message - the only one any of us have with Ed's voice and we cried. (unfortunately, not realizing we were going to lose Ed, we had all deleted messages just prior to his passing).
This week I have been plagued with sadness over every mistake I ever made with Ed; every harsh word I ever said replayed in my head. I have had to fight the guilt and the negative thoughts and I have tried to remember that a few harsh words doesn't negate all the love and the great relationship Ed & I shared. The truth is as an adult Ed was my best friend and we rarely disagreed about anything.
There are moments when I still feel that I could have done something to save Ed - magical thinking. I know in my rational mind that I had no way of knowing Ed had a heart anomaly but in my irrational mind - well I have to fight the negative thoughts.
Ed's birthday is coming on 9/22. I am just having my grandchildren & daughter-in law over for dinner and I will give a donation in Ed's name to his favorite charity as a "birthday present" for Ed. That always makes me feel better.
I miss you Ed. I was blessed to have you for 37 years, but I will ache for you forever. Love, mom xoxo
Then we came back to my house for lasagna, salad, fudge pie - all of Ed's favorite. The cooking had kept me busy & was a good distraction. I had set up a couple of displays with Ed's Bible and some pictures on one and another with cards people had sent and more pictures. We played a message - the only one any of us have with Ed's voice and we cried. (unfortunately, not realizing we were going to lose Ed, we had all deleted messages just prior to his passing).
This week I have been plagued with sadness over every mistake I ever made with Ed; every harsh word I ever said replayed in my head. I have had to fight the guilt and the negative thoughts and I have tried to remember that a few harsh words doesn't negate all the love and the great relationship Ed & I shared. The truth is as an adult Ed was my best friend and we rarely disagreed about anything.
There are moments when I still feel that I could have done something to save Ed - magical thinking. I know in my rational mind that I had no way of knowing Ed had a heart anomaly but in my irrational mind - well I have to fight the negative thoughts.
Ed's birthday is coming on 9/22. I am just having my grandchildren & daughter-in law over for dinner and I will give a donation in Ed's name to his favorite charity as a "birthday present" for Ed. That always makes me feel better.
I miss you Ed. I was blessed to have you for 37 years, but I will ache for you forever. Love, mom xoxo
Replies
Linda, Oh how hard those times were when I fell into the woulda coulda shoulda\'s stranglehold around my neck. Talk about a suffocating/choking feeling.
I had to finally extend to MYSELF the forgiveness I seemed all too ready to extend to others--even the man that killed my family--
And I reminded myself that I am imperfect; tried my best but am only mortal and frail in all ways. Only God does everything Perfectly-and the only way we can ever attain any degree of success is only through HIs Loving Aid.
Eddie knows more about you than he ever did before! He is with God, and with God there is FULL KNOWLEDGE.
In my opinion, that includes ALL things--even about \"us,\"and just how much we LOVE them!
It took me awhile to realize that, now, my children are EVEN CLOSER to me than they used to be...now they are contained within my very heart and soul. There is no SPIRITUAL separation--just the physical separation, for now.
I know it\'s hard Linda- the second year, with less distractions and less numbness to help ward off the pain, is usually very difficult. I know it was for me.
After fighting so hard--not wanting to \"accept\" my children\'s deaths... feeling like I was inside an enormously tall box--turning around to all four corners continuously-unable to get out and then-- finally \"surrendering\"/slumping down to the bottom of that box--\"Thy Will be done\"- I didn\'t want it, but it had to be \"accepted\" as there was no way out of this box except God coming in from Above and lifting me up up up under my arms and finally taking me OUT of that \"box.\" It will get more bearable.
You are in my prayers my dear, sweet Linda!
Loving you and Eddie,
Donna
Such an illumination of LOVE that you and loved ones ignited in honor of Ed. I will be holding you both, close in my heart on 9/22. With love and so much respect for the beautiful Mother you are, dearest Linda ... de
Sweet Linda, I have not known you a long time...and i may not know you as well as some...but what i DO know about you...is that you are a loving, caring, sensitive, giving, gratious, sweet hearted person. AND, I know (and you do in your heart) that you did everything that you knew to do for Ed. And...you can allow yourself to focus only on that special relationship that you had with him...and shared...let your mind go there. i am so sorry that it was such a tough week...and that the 22nd will be here to stir the pot again...but before you know it, it will be October...and you will have made it through. Take gentel care of yourself...love to you...Karen
Thanks for sharing your day with us, Linda. For some reason I\'ve been grieving for my cat Vannie today. I have so much pain over losing him. I guess since I live alone with no friends at all other than DS, he was a companion animal to me and my best friend.
I have two cats now, though the one tomcat spends a lot of time off somewhere. He\'s a recent addition, he came to me with a terrible wound and he was in very bad shape. Vannie was very different, I raised him up from when he was a tiny kitten.
I keep thinking I might have been able to save him when he got so sick. I listened to the vet, maybe I shouldn\'t have. All those thoughts plague me.
So I understand about your thoughts like that, because I have them too. Vannie was just a cat, but he was my friend. To me it makes no difference what he was, a friend is a friend to me.
I understand the guilt that there might have been something we could have done - we are the moms, we are supposed to protect and save our children. But these events were out of our control, we have to find a way to let it be. I am sure Ed was aware of how much you loved him and the special relationship you both had. He would not want you to beat yourself up over the past. He would want you to be kind to his mom - you! Take care these next few days, remember the joy Ed brought to your life. Love you, Sue xo