Ed's Angel Date
Ed's second Angel date was a week ago Sunday, September 4th. I think this one was harder than the first for some reason. Joshua & Christina (Ed's children) their mother, several friends of Eddie's and my ex husband (Ed's father) and Ken & I met at the cemetery. We brought flowers, I wrote Ed a letter and we grieved together. My ex husband took it hard since he has a lot of guilt for abandoning his son and this was the first time he had visited the grave since Joshua didn't want him around prior to this. Joshua has had a change of heart and now will allow the ex to visit the cemetery. Joshua is trying to forgive.
Then we came back to my house for lasagna, salad, fudge pie - all of Ed's favorite. The cooking had kept me busy & was a good distraction. I had set up a couple of displays with Ed's Bible and some pictures on one and another with cards people had sent and more pictures. We played a message - the only one any of us have with Ed's voice and we cried. (unfortunately, not realizing we were going to lose Ed, we had all deleted messages just prior to his passing).
This week I have been plagued with sadness over every mistake I ever made with Ed; every harsh word I ever said replayed in my head. I have had to fight the guilt and the negative thoughts and I have tried to remember that a few harsh words doesn't negate all the love and the great relationship Ed & I shared. The truth is as an adult Ed was my best friend and we rarely disagreed about anything.
There are moments when I still feel that I could have done something to save Ed - magical thinking. I know in my rational mind that I had no way of knowing Ed had a heart anomaly but in my irrational mind - well I have to fight the negative thoughts.
Ed's birthday is coming on 9/22. I am just having my grandchildren & daughter-in law over for dinner and I will give a donation in Ed's name to his favorite charity as a "birthday present" for Ed. That always makes me feel better.
I miss you Ed. I was blessed to have you for 37 years, but I will ache for you forever. Love, mom xoxo
Then we came back to my house for lasagna, salad, fudge pie - all of Ed's favorite. The cooking had kept me busy & was a good distraction. I had set up a couple of displays with Ed's Bible and some pictures on one and another with cards people had sent and more pictures. We played a message - the only one any of us have with Ed's voice and we cried. (unfortunately, not realizing we were going to lose Ed, we had all deleted messages just prior to his passing).
This week I have been plagued with sadness over every mistake I ever made with Ed; every harsh word I ever said replayed in my head. I have had to fight the guilt and the negative thoughts and I have tried to remember that a few harsh words doesn't negate all the love and the great relationship Ed & I shared. The truth is as an adult Ed was my best friend and we rarely disagreed about anything.
There are moments when I still feel that I could have done something to save Ed - magical thinking. I know in my rational mind that I had no way of knowing Ed had a heart anomaly but in my irrational mind - well I have to fight the negative thoughts.
Ed's birthday is coming on 9/22. I am just having my grandchildren & daughter-in law over for dinner and I will give a donation in Ed's name to his favorite charity as a "birthday present" for Ed. That always makes me feel better.
I miss you Ed. I was blessed to have you for 37 years, but I will ache for you forever. Love, mom xoxo
Replies
Do not beat yourself up over little things or big things we cannot change. Life is short we must live. You have a great family for support. Ed will watch over you just as you have watched over him from the time he was born. I wish you peace and comfort as 9/22 comes closer, I know it is very hard but we are all here for you
Big warm hugs Penny
Thank you for sharing this very tender day with us dear Linda. Oh, those swirling thoughts that each of us must go into from time to time are part of the healing path. I sense our sons forgive us for our humanness and understand now as never before the LOVE that our mother\'s hearts have for them. You are honoring your grief, your loss and above all spreading Ed\'s legacy of love with so much hope sprinkled throughout. Joshua working on forgiveness... all of these such vital steps towards healing and well-being.
Continue to take gentle care of yourself, Linda, and know as you tell each of us here on FMO that you would have moved heaven and earth if it had been possible to keep Ed on his earthly journey.
With love as Ed\'s birthday approaches.
Joanie
Linda, I know exactly how you feel. I\'ve been walking down the what if trail, too as you know from my last journal entry. But somehow, the right thoughts come along to help get rid of the negative. When I was in the depths of my grief and my family didn\'t know what to do for me, my sister in a desperate attempt to help used some tough love. She asked me \"would you rather not have had him at all? I will never have that kind of love.\" (She has no children) It took me many months to realize how truly blessed I was to have had him at all, even tho\' the time was too short. Since then I\'ve kept that thought close. I think this weekend was rough on us all. So many rememberances for 9/11 and what so many families went thru, reminded us of our loss too. I know birthdays are times of struggle too. I will be holding you and Ed both in my thoughts and prayers. love and peace, Roselle
I go down that road sometimes about what more I could have done for my kids, times I was short with them when they were smaller and times that I didn\'t have the time to just focus on them instead of mopping the floor or some other stupid thing. I think about some of the silly arguments (nothing major) Clinton and I had as adults. The times we left each others house (I usually saw him everyday) and didn\'t hug and say I love you because one or the other was in a hurry or busy with something else. Just as you said, in your adult relationship with Ed, you were best friends. Clinton told me just a couple weeks before he died that I was the only adult he knew he could always count on and trust to support him and not lie to him. That is what we need to focus on. Not the small things that we didn\'t do, but the wonderful relationship that we had developed. Loving you and sending bug hugs...Lynn
You had expressed your distress with Ed\'s upcoming Angel Date so you have been in my thoughts. I appreciate you sharing your families day. I believe when you are feeling out of sorts that the best thing you can do is share your feelings with others who care. The family seems to all have come together to honor Ed. Much love to you and may you find a purpose on Ed\'s birthday. Peggy
Linda, we as humans have this reality rewind in our make-up and it hurts because we don\'t seem to have a control button for it. Much like the delete button..it is a reminder of just how much control we DON\'T have and think that we do. I look at the delete button with a whole new perspective since Brandon passed....I want to save everything wishing I had in the past. I understand how you are feeling about it all....one thing I must remind myself that may be helpful to you now is that we are mothers whose rightful place in our children\'s lives is not only to love unconditionally but to voice our displeasure in something they may have done. You are right to override those negative feelings about negative things said with knowing that your relationship was so much more...built on love and caring. Ed knew this and knows it even more now.
It\'s football season....so, Ed and Brandon are scrimmaging, huddling, kicking, and having a grand time in the real Super Bowl...think on these things....much love to you and Ed.....dale, brandon\'s mom
I understand what you are saying, I also found Jenn\'s second angel date harder than the 1st..I don\'t know if it is because the shock is wearing off and it is more \'real\'...
Hugs, MaryLou
Linda,
I also felt the second angel was harder. Could it be the first year we still are pretty numb and not able to wrap out heads around the reality. The second year puts a reality spin on it and we are faced with the truth. It is not \" normal\" to lose a child so when our minds take us there I think we lack skills in dealing with it.
I am so glad you had family around that is so important. Richards 5th angel date is Sept 28th and as much as I do not focus on dates somehow angel dates and birtdays still get me. Hugs, Inga
Linda we ALL beat ourselves up, I\'m the Queen of Beating Yourself UP. This is unfortunately a \"normal\" part of losing a child; you could be 98 and lose your 78 year old child and still feel this way. We\'re supposed to protect them, no matter how old they are, that\'s the mark of a great and wonderful parent: YOU. I should take my own advice: THINK of all the things you did for him, all the love you gave him, all the work and effort, worry and struggle that GOOD parents undergo all the time. He knows your heart and in life I\'m certain he loved you deeply and still does. It\'s easy to say and I wish I could do it: stop beating yourself up.
Oh Honey, as mothers - we never think we have done enough of the right things and too much of the wrong things. But GOD in his infinite wisdom knows just eactly how to balance the scale in our hearts - he gives us Grand Children to love....our second ride on this merry-go-round of life. It\'s just that some of us get to ride a little longer than others. Much love to your battered heart...Suzzanne
Linda dearie you are doing SUCH a good job of seeing and feeling and letting the feelings be... and naming them... and telling some of them to please let go a little because you know they are real feelings but not at all true to the facts (like feeling you could have saved him if you\'d done something differently)... of course we\'ll have those feelings. The heart will never stop wishing for the other outcome, the parallel universe, the fairy tale ending.
And another wish: that you had never ever said a sharp word to a child?? Lovey, show me the mom who can say she never ever had to be clear about limits and that it never took a stern tone of voice!? I know you and I know you were either showing Eddie the boundaries he needed to learn or showing him your own human limits, that you were were a human, and both are good things. Both are good parenting. Neither does harm, when coming from such a loving heart.
I honor your work. I honor Josh\'s efforts at forgiveness. I honor Ed and the man he had become. I honor the love that will ache in your body until you pass from this earth.
Peace and comfort be thine today.
Sarah
As mothers we are always straightening the sheets, pulling on the corner, trying to make our kids less vulnerable to the cruelty of the world. It\'s done from a place of love, and we are all guilty. No loving relationship can exist, day to day, without some negativity. If there was magic, our kids would still be alive.
You have helped me so much, Linda, understanding how the guilt we feel is beyond reason. Our sons\' hearts were not visible even to the doctors, how can we blame ourselves? love ya, abby
All I can say is love to you and your family. I know it has been hard.
With love,
Leda
Linda I wish I knew what to say. I\'m sending you prayers for peace. Terry
MY DAUGHTER HAS BEEN GONE ALMOST 9 YEARS NOW AND I STILL THINK OF ALL THE ARGUMENTS WE HAD AND I FEEL GUILT I WAS NOT THE BEST MOM , I RAISED HER ALONE WE HAD NO ONE, WE WHERE ALL ALONE. I WILL LIVE WITH THIS FOREVER. BUT I HAVE TO TRY AND THINK OF THE GOOD TIMES . AND I LOVED HER UNCONDITIONALLY AND SHE KNEW IT. BUT I,AM GALD EVEN THOUGH IT WAS A SAD DAY FOR YOU YOU HAD YOUR FAMILY WITH YOU AND A NICE DINNER THOSE THINGS REALLY COUNT TO EASE THE PAIN SOME WHAT. I DID HAVE MY SISTER . HUGS MARY ANN