dry cracked ground

In todays meditation, my younger self  (Belle) was walking hand in hand with  my older self.  Surrounding my older self was swirling whirls of warmth that glowed and extended thru her hands. I felt her warmth, calm and sense of peace.  It was in stark contrast with the mother, who was a ball of static that lacked warmth entirely.  Touching the mother  was like touching a void, that pulled warmth and a sense of peace, from me.  The reason I was not entire void of warmth was my grandmother.  I imagined her  sitting by the large window of her bungalow home, bathing in warm sunlight as she would crochet in silence.  



Then I felt cold.  unloved.  sitting on dry, grey cracked ground.  It feels awful to not be loved by the mother - to grow up in a unloving home.   it hurts to not be loved.  It physically hurts.  I opened my eyes at the end of the mediation and felt the same - unloved.  Its interesting that I started the meditation feeling a deep sense of warmth - and ending the meditation towards the  opposite end of that spectrum.  My husband was spending another full day at a friends house helping them fix some electric issues.  It feels as though he is finding excuses to spend entire days away from me .  if we spend alone time together we would find out the truth of our marriage, that we are not in love, that he does not love me.  does he not love me? maybe I’m in a feeling state and am blaming it on my husband.  I feel it is inevitable that he will leave me - he probably has a crush on someone that is hanging out at the friends house.  why is he so eager to leave.  there is nothing I can do about it.  My daughter has a play date - it will probably be a good idea to meditate on this again.  


 

Replies

JournalReader
JournalReader

I agree with you that it would be a good idea to meditate on this again. I would suggest looking for a safe place. Also, a question that is helpful to ask is "Is that thought real?" when facing such big fears as you've expressed here. How brave of you to tackle them!

It's so, so complicated when the past is a mess. Sometimes past fears come back and complicate the present. There could be many explanations for your husband being distant. Relationships are hard work, even for those with uncomplicated pasts.

I hope the play date goes well.

Happy New Year!
donnawanda
donnawanda

This journal moved me to tears. I also know that painful ache of being unloved. I think it would be good to reconnect with the feeling at the beginning of the meditation of calm and warmth. The love in your own heart is enough to light up the world. So while you need to feel the emptiness of the unloved child in order to heal it, maybe it's better not to end in that place. Maybe it would be better to end with the love that is inside of you.

As JR says, it is so hard to know whether what we're feeling is really about the present or whether it is the feelings of the past superimposing themselves on present circumstances. This happens to me all the time, and it has happened to an almost psychotic extent at times. And what JR says about relationships being hard work is also true. I think that a past like yours or mine can leave us with a need to keep others at arm's length, and so we find someone who is not going to get too close. Then as we begin to heal and want more closeness we can start to wonder why that person is not more intimate, forgetting that they were always like that and maybe that's why we chose them. That's certainly been the case with my husband and me. Love is there, but engagement is lacking. I want to work on that with him ... though I'm not sure how.

I hope you can find a way to defuse these feelings of abandonment and rejection before they get out of hand. Can you plan a special dinner with him? Can you ask him what the deal is without sounding accusatory or insecure? Or just let him know you want more time with him in a way that will make him feel wanted and valued?
SuzA66
SuzA66

nikkole,
I agree with JournalReader about meditating again and on questioning the thought.

I've just begun to become aware of how I "fill in the blanks" when things are unclear. Then I must remind myself that if I am to walk on firm ground I must find out what's really going on; this means I need to talk with the other person to find out what their perspective is, what their feelings are and whether or not they too, have "filled in the blanks" with their own stuff. Yes, it takes courage to be vulnerable by sharing our feelings, but IMO it is the wisest and sanest thing to do rather than live and act from the fear-based stories we tell ourselves--which only serve to torment us further.

As for feeling unloved...I, too, grew up longing for a mother's love. I recall my first therapist saying that my mother did the best she could and hearing that filled me with rage--for years. It was at my mother's funeral that I finally realized she did do the best she could.

Yes, I wish she could have protected me but I know for some people, admitting your child is being sexually abused is a terrifying thing to face, especially when the person has not faced and healed their own wounds.

And, I wished I could have known a strong mother's love because I know there are some women out there who are mother lion's when it comes to their children and will protect them BECAUSE of the abuse they themselves experienced in their own childhood.

I did not get that kind of mother. Instead I got a mother who was made weak by fear and who was childlike all her life. I got a mother who loved music, books, and art. I got a mother for four years who really did do the best she could; unfortunately, I was much too young, and too angry, and too wounded to realize she could not give me what she did not have to give...but she did do the best she could with what she had.

Learning to love myself became the beacon. Learning to trust myself became the path. And learning to trust in the love of others became the quest. The "beacon", the "path", and the "quest" are daily journeys of self-awareness. With self-awareness in mind, what does "dry, cracked ground" represent in your internal/external world?

xx
SuzA
nikkole
nikkole

Thank you JR - it's true - the past comes up and complicates current matters. Meditating again was a good idea - it's what I ended up doing. DW - I loved this: "The love in your own heart is enough to light up the world." I want that thought to resonate within me - to feel that. Thanks for sharing that. I also completely agree that I choose a husband who I can keep my distance from - and as I heal - I want something different - closeness. I purposely choose this and I also need to work with him. SuzA - Sharing my thoughts with my husband was the right thing to do. After I meditated -for the 2nd time - we talked and I told him that I felt "unloved" and it had to do with meditating and a feeling from the past - and I needed a reason for that feeling - and he was the reason. I apologized for that - and I told him what I needed from him. Things are going to change over night but he is willing to listen and to work on our relationship -and I am grateful. You said this: "admitting your child is being sexually abused is a terrifying thing to face" This is true - but it was either that - or let it happen - my mom chose to let it happen. I do believe there will be a time when I can let this go. I know logically she did/is doing the best she can with what's she's got. I'm just not there yet. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on issues regarding my mom - it seems that our moms are very similar - childlike. I loved the last words regarding the beacon, the path and the quest. dry cracked ground is a really good analogy for my base. thank you everyone - your words and thoughts are very much appreciated. I am so grateful.
Dooo
Dooo

So sad to read and feel you were unloved and your mom chose to let those horrible things happen. "t is so hard to know whether what we're feeling is really about the present or whether it is the feelings of the past superimposing themselves on present circumstances." Boy, does this happen a lot for me. The thing that has been helping me is step back from it and give the feelings time to process, overnight if at all possible. You are doing really well, better than I in rationalizing that part of it.

I have no advice, but wanted you to hear and understand those feelings you have. So many great thoughts and ideas here. You are doing hard work ((hugs))

It is good he is willing to work on your relationship.
nikkole
nikkole

Thanks for your thoughts on this Dooo. I agree that time to process is key.