dry cracked ground
In todays meditation, my younger self (Belle) was walking hand in hand with my older self. Surrounding my older self was swirling whirls of warmth that glowed and extended thru her hands. I felt her warmth, calm and sense of peace. It was in stark contrast with the mother, who was a ball of static that lacked warmth entirely. Touching the mother was like touching a void, that pulled warmth and a sense of peace, from me. The reason I was not entire void of warmth was my grandmother. I imagined her sitting by the large window of her bungalow home, bathing in warm sunlight as she would crochet in silence.
Then I felt cold. unloved. sitting on dry, grey cracked ground. It feels awful to not be loved by the mother - to grow up in a unloving home. it hurts to not be loved. It physically hurts. I opened my eyes at the end of the mediation and felt the same - unloved. Its interesting that I started the meditation feeling a deep sense of warmth - and ending the meditation towards the opposite end of that spectrum. My husband was spending another full day at a friends house helping them fix some electric issues. It feels as though he is finding excuses to spend entire days away from me . if we spend alone time together we would find out the truth of our marriage, that we are not in love, that he does not love me. does he not love me? maybe I’m in a feeling state and am blaming it on my husband. I feel it is inevitable that he will leave me - he probably has a crush on someone that is hanging out at the friends house. why is he so eager to leave. there is nothing I can do about it. My daughter has a play date - it will probably be a good idea to meditate on this again.