DREAMING OR VISIT?
I HAVEN'T WRITTEN A JOURNAL FOR A WHILE BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN BUSY MOVING MORE STUFF INTO MY NEW HOME WITH MY SISTER, GOING TO P.T., SEEING MY DOCTORS AND SO ON.
LAST WEEK, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, I WOKE UP, I THINK, NOT SURE. I WAS FACING THE WALL SLEEPING, MY FACE COVERED BY THE BLANKET. ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE WAS A BRIGHT LIGHT. I'M NOT SURE IF MY EYES WERE OPEN YET. I KNOW THIS WOULD SOUND CRAZY TO SOME PEOPLE, BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT ON THIS SITE I COULD TELL YOU ANYTHING. ANYWAY, I FELT THE BLANKET BEING LIFTED AND FOR A SPLIT SECOND I FORGOT WHERE I WAS AND I FELT SCARED. I KNOW AT THIS POINT MY EYES WERE OPENED. I JUMPED UP BUT EVERYTHING IN MY ROOM WAS DARK. CRAZY, GOING INSANE? MAYBE IT WAS JACKIE. SHE WOULD COME INTO MY ROOM AT NIGHT WHEN HER HEAD WAS BOTHERING HER SO MUCH THAT I WOULD MASSAGE HER TEMPLES. I STARTED TO CRY AND MY HEART WAS POUNDING SO HARD I THOUGHT IT WOULD COME OUT OF MY CHEST. SINCE THAT NIGHT I FEEL LIKE I'M MISSING HER MORE, IF THAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE. I TALK TO HER ALL THE TIME. I RAN TO THE CEMETARY AND JUST STOOD THERE AND CRIED AND CRIED AND PRAYED SHE WASN'T IN ANY MORE PAIN.
I'M GOING TO SEE JOHN EDWARDS ON TUES NIGHT. I'M IN THE SECOND ROW, CENTER, ORCHESTRA, AND NOW I'M WORRIED WHAT IF HE DOESN'T GET ANY MESSAGE FROM HER. WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T COME THROUGH. THIS SOUNDS SO PATHETIC. I WANT TO TURN BACK TIME. I WANT TO HOLD MY BABY AGAIN. MAYBE I SHOULDN'T GO. IF SHE DOESN'T COME THROUGH, I KNOW I WILL BE SO DISAPPOINTED. I KNOW YOU ALL KNOW HOW I FEEL, THIS YEARING TO BE WITH OUR CHILDREN AGAIN, TO HAVE THEM BACK. SOMETIMES I REALLY DO THINK I'M GOING NUTS.
ANYTHING CAN TRIGGER ME. THE OTHER DAY AT THE NEW DR'S OFFICE, SHE ASKED ME HOW MANY CHILDREN I HAVE. SHE CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD, I HESITATED AND SAID "ONE NOW". OMG, HOW COULD I GIVE AN ANSWER LIKE THAT. I HAVE TWO CHILDREN. I FELT SO GUILTY. I HAVE BEEN CRYING SINCE THEN, WONDERING HOW I COULD EVEN HESITATE. I DIDN'T GET OUT OF BED ON WED. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN. I FELT LIKE I WAS COPING A LITTLE BETTER. I GO OUT. I FIND MYSELF LAUGHING NOW. I DON'T OBSESS THAT MUCH ANYMORE. I DON'T THINK ABOUT JACKIE 24/7. I KEEP MYSELF BUSY. FEB. 10TH WILL BE NINE MONTHS. YES, I HAVE MY FAMILY, MY SON, GRANDCHILDREN, SISTER, NIECES AND NEPHEW AND WONDERFUL FRIENDS. WE ARE ALL VERY CLOSE, BUT NOTHING, NOTHING CAN HELP THAT EMPTYNESS I FEEL. THAT QUESTION WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. WHY???? I KNOW I WILL NEVER HAVE AN ANSWER, EVERY DAY IS A STRUGGLE TO GO ON WITH MY LIFE. A NEW LIFE WITHOUT JACKIE. THERE ARE DAYS LIKE WED, WHEN I REALLY DON'T CARE IF I GO TO SLEEP AND NEVER WAKE UP, BECAUSE THEN I WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS PAIN. I HAVE TO LIVE., EVEN THOUGH I DON'T WANT TO. I GET SO TIRED FIGHTING THIS FIGHT. MY WHOLE LIFE CHANGED IN A MINUTE. I KNOW JACKIE WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY, I KNOW SHE COULDN'T HAVE KNOWN WHAT SHE WAS DOING AND HOW THIS WOULD BE FOR ME. BUT HERE I AM, AND STILL TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHY? I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY SISTER, HER HEALTH HAS SUFFERED SINCE SHE LOST HER PARTNER. SHE HAS LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT STRESSING OVER ME, JACKIE AND NOW ANTHONY BEING GONE. WE TRY TO COMFORT EACH OTHER. IT JUST SUCKS. WE ALL KNOW THE SAYING" THE SINS OF THE FATHER ARE VISITED UPON THE SON". DID I DO SOMETHING THAT MY DAUGHTER HAS PAID FOR IT. I CAN'T IMAGINE THAT BEING TRUE UNLESS IN A PREVIOUSLY LIFE I COMMITTED SOME UNFORGIVEABLE SIN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE. ANYWAY, PRAY FOR ME THAT MY JACKIE COMES THROUGH ON TUES. NIGHT. MAYBE IT WOULD HELP KNOWING THAT THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE AND THAT OUR KIDS ARE TRULY WITH US. THANKS FOR LISTENING. GAIL
LAST WEEK, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, I WOKE UP, I THINK, NOT SURE. I WAS FACING THE WALL SLEEPING, MY FACE COVERED BY THE BLANKET. ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE WAS A BRIGHT LIGHT. I'M NOT SURE IF MY EYES WERE OPEN YET. I KNOW THIS WOULD SOUND CRAZY TO SOME PEOPLE, BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT ON THIS SITE I COULD TELL YOU ANYTHING. ANYWAY, I FELT THE BLANKET BEING LIFTED AND FOR A SPLIT SECOND I FORGOT WHERE I WAS AND I FELT SCARED. I KNOW AT THIS POINT MY EYES WERE OPENED. I JUMPED UP BUT EVERYTHING IN MY ROOM WAS DARK. CRAZY, GOING INSANE? MAYBE IT WAS JACKIE. SHE WOULD COME INTO MY ROOM AT NIGHT WHEN HER HEAD WAS BOTHERING HER SO MUCH THAT I WOULD MASSAGE HER TEMPLES. I STARTED TO CRY AND MY HEART WAS POUNDING SO HARD I THOUGHT IT WOULD COME OUT OF MY CHEST. SINCE THAT NIGHT I FEEL LIKE I'M MISSING HER MORE, IF THAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE. I TALK TO HER ALL THE TIME. I RAN TO THE CEMETARY AND JUST STOOD THERE AND CRIED AND CRIED AND PRAYED SHE WASN'T IN ANY MORE PAIN.
I'M GOING TO SEE JOHN EDWARDS ON TUES NIGHT. I'M IN THE SECOND ROW, CENTER, ORCHESTRA, AND NOW I'M WORRIED WHAT IF HE DOESN'T GET ANY MESSAGE FROM HER. WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T COME THROUGH. THIS SOUNDS SO PATHETIC. I WANT TO TURN BACK TIME. I WANT TO HOLD MY BABY AGAIN. MAYBE I SHOULDN'T GO. IF SHE DOESN'T COME THROUGH, I KNOW I WILL BE SO DISAPPOINTED. I KNOW YOU ALL KNOW HOW I FEEL, THIS YEARING TO BE WITH OUR CHILDREN AGAIN, TO HAVE THEM BACK. SOMETIMES I REALLY DO THINK I'M GOING NUTS.
ANYTHING CAN TRIGGER ME. THE OTHER DAY AT THE NEW DR'S OFFICE, SHE ASKED ME HOW MANY CHILDREN I HAVE. SHE CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD, I HESITATED AND SAID "ONE NOW". OMG, HOW COULD I GIVE AN ANSWER LIKE THAT. I HAVE TWO CHILDREN. I FELT SO GUILTY. I HAVE BEEN CRYING SINCE THEN, WONDERING HOW I COULD EVEN HESITATE. I DIDN'T GET OUT OF BED ON WED. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN. I FELT LIKE I WAS COPING A LITTLE BETTER. I GO OUT. I FIND MYSELF LAUGHING NOW. I DON'T OBSESS THAT MUCH ANYMORE. I DON'T THINK ABOUT JACKIE 24/7. I KEEP MYSELF BUSY. FEB. 10TH WILL BE NINE MONTHS. YES, I HAVE MY FAMILY, MY SON, GRANDCHILDREN, SISTER, NIECES AND NEPHEW AND WONDERFUL FRIENDS. WE ARE ALL VERY CLOSE, BUT NOTHING, NOTHING CAN HELP THAT EMPTYNESS I FEEL. THAT QUESTION WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. WHY???? I KNOW I WILL NEVER HAVE AN ANSWER, EVERY DAY IS A STRUGGLE TO GO ON WITH MY LIFE. A NEW LIFE WITHOUT JACKIE. THERE ARE DAYS LIKE WED, WHEN I REALLY DON'T CARE IF I GO TO SLEEP AND NEVER WAKE UP, BECAUSE THEN I WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS PAIN. I HAVE TO LIVE., EVEN THOUGH I DON'T WANT TO. I GET SO TIRED FIGHTING THIS FIGHT. MY WHOLE LIFE CHANGED IN A MINUTE. I KNOW JACKIE WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY, I KNOW SHE COULDN'T HAVE KNOWN WHAT SHE WAS DOING AND HOW THIS WOULD BE FOR ME. BUT HERE I AM, AND STILL TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHY? I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY SISTER, HER HEALTH HAS SUFFERED SINCE SHE LOST HER PARTNER. SHE HAS LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT STRESSING OVER ME, JACKIE AND NOW ANTHONY BEING GONE. WE TRY TO COMFORT EACH OTHER. IT JUST SUCKS. WE ALL KNOW THE SAYING" THE SINS OF THE FATHER ARE VISITED UPON THE SON". DID I DO SOMETHING THAT MY DAUGHTER HAS PAID FOR IT. I CAN'T IMAGINE THAT BEING TRUE UNLESS IN A PREVIOUSLY LIFE I COMMITTED SOME UNFORGIVEABLE SIN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE. ANYWAY, PRAY FOR ME THAT MY JACKIE COMES THROUGH ON TUES. NIGHT. MAYBE IT WOULD HELP KNOWING THAT THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE AND THAT OUR KIDS ARE TRULY WITH US. THANKS FOR LISTENING. GAIL
Replies
I\'m sorry that you are hurt so much. I can remember the pain too well. I finally found peace when I reached the \'acceptance\' phase of my grieving. I accepted that she was in misery, and she wanted to be with God, and He would relieve her from the misery she was in. She spoke about it before she died. I believe, you will see Jackie again in Heaven. For now, take care of yourself and don\'t worry about the why\'s or what if\'s.
I hope you get what you need from John Edwards. Blessings.
\"The sins of the father are visited on the son\" doesn\'t mean GOD punishes the innocent because of the sins of his/her parents! It means that a parent who is far from God and living life in the wrong way will affect his/her children in a very bad way: think about an alcoholic or abusive parent, the children suffer because of them. God is the source of COMFORT and LOVE and, above all, MERCY. Don\'t let the Enemy use the Bible against you; it\'s your strongest weapon. If you have trouble with some verses, do internet research or talk to a priest or pastor.
I know exactly how you feel. In fact, just yesterday I was thinking of you since you haven\'t posted in a while and I was getting worried. I\'ve been over and over the things you\'re thinking a THOUSAND times and there ARE answers. People who take their lives are desperate, they are not rational, they do not think at all they just act to get away from their torment. My daughter, your daughter, loved us both so very much. If EITHER ONE of them had THOUGHT FOR ONE SECOND ABOUT US, they would NOT have done this. The facts are, when you\'re at the end of your ability to fight something else takes over, the panic, the anxiety, the horror, the despair, combine to make a person act. THERE IS NO RATIONAL THOUGHT INVOLVED because if there were even ONE the person would STOP.
Jackie is not in pain. She is in the light, that\'s what you saw, her in the light, just as I saw my daughter in October (and I KNOW a vision from a dream that was NO dream). Healed, being loved and cared for, recovering, and knowing EVERYTHING now including the plan in all of this. And yes there is a plan, for each one of us. Sometimes the plan causes extreme anguish, loss, etc. but its purpose is ultimately for our GOOD (and I know it\'s hard to believe that now.)
John Edward is the real deal, I saw him in a group of 15 people. He zeroed right in on me and my daughter, including saying the name of her gaming friend (this was a test that woman and I designed: \"Have her say \'Hi, Lor\'). He was standing right next to me when he said, \"Who is Lor, Lorraine\"? He KNEW things, why she did it, how she did it. If it\'s intended for you to get a reading, you will. But even if you don\'t, seeing others acknowledging the truth of what John says will help you so much because you will know that Jackie is \"ALIVE\". If you don\'t get a reading that night, contact Bobby Brust - \"PsychicBobby@aol.com\". He lives near me, he\'s genuine. He told me things NO ONE could know and I spoke to him three times (he never charged me a dime either). Physical death is not the end.
You\'re allowed to grieve, you\'re allowed to be angry, you\'re allowed to ask WHY, and the answer WILL COME with time. Don\'t back off from God, He\'s the source and He DOES answer these questions. It\'s by his grace that those who have crossed over are allowed to communicate. I think all of this is occurring along with so many other things (apparitions, for instance) because the end is quite near and God wants all souls to be with Him. Life is a gift, our children were a gift, they were on loan. They had their own journeys to make. Whether or not what they chose was a mistake they will have to correct on the other side is something only God knows but one thing I do know: my church does not consider suicide a sin under normal circumstances (not some guy who takes hostages and then shoots himself, for instance). It is an act of desperation with no rational thought and people who suffer from suicidal thoughts will tell you THEY HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT, it takes over. I\'ve spoken to many in the past almost 11 months.
Take heart, friend. You\'re so blessed to have people around you who love you and comfort you. Someday you will see Jackie and all these questions will mean nothing because you will be free and in the most glorious place.
Jill
Hope your time with John Edwards goes well, I have seen him on TV so often and would love to be able to see him. Hopefully jackie will come though, although you are lucky she visited you the other night.
Hugs andlove, MaryLou
Just take care of yourself as best as you can and you are feeling all that you need to in order to heal. This grief path is not linear and is like a spiral with its ups, downs and in-betweens. I can find myself moving up and down the spiral in a matter of moments and it feels as if this is what you may be experiencing as well.
I have seen John E and it was very healing for me even though my son did not come through. I felt uplifted by the other\'s readings and there always seems to be a message for each person in the midst even if Jackie does not come through. I hope that she will yet if she does not I hope that there will be something that you hear that will resonate for you.
Gentle care this day and I have no doubt that Jackie visited you the other night... what you described sounded very powerful to me.
Heartfelt hugs, Joanie
Dear, sweet friend, I feel the pain in your words as if I was standing by your side while you wrote this entry. I\'m glad you feel so safe in sharing it all so openly with us....I think that\'s so important to the whole healing process. If it were me, I would most definitely tell Jackie....right out loud....THANK YOU FOR VISITING ME, EVEN THOUGH I DON\'T FULLY UNDERSTAND IT. I NEED TO KNOW YOU\'RE OK, AND I KNOW YOU\'RE TRYING TO TELL ME. PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND YOUR COMMUNICATIONS. As far as John Edward, I too have seen him and was certain my little power ball Kala would communicate loud and clear. She did not. Was I disappointed, honestly, yes. But I was also SO into hearing the other communications and I allowed those to bless me with the truth that our loves ones DO communicate. I find peace in knowing that....even when it\'s not Kala doing the talking! One thing I would caution you on...if you are convinced you would feel even worse than you do if you go and Jackie does not \"show up\" as you\'d like, you may want to wait and go at another time. I think it\'s important to go expecting, AND accepting that it will be OK whether or not Jackie comes through. I do know a couple of our moms have seen John and their children did come through in powerful ways. I wish you the best dear friend and will be anxious to hear how it turns out. Tight hugs of understanding, Teri.
GM my dear wonderful sisters. All your responses have been very uplifting and hopeful. My sister, Debbie and are are looking forward to tonite with such anticipation that someone, even if it isn\'t Jackie will come through. But as you said, if she doesn\'t, I will be happy for those that their loved ones did because then I know there is something after we pass and I will see my loving daughter again. I have been lucky. I feel she is trying to let me know that she is at peace and not in pain anymore and that is what I am praying for. Although, the pain and suffering as a parent who lost a child can be too much to bear sometimes, I want to believe that this will be a healing process for me and my sister. Thanks again for all your support and I will let you all know tomorrow what happened. Love Gail
I\'m anxiously waiting to hear how it went with John Edwards. I\'ve read a couple of his books and believe he is for real. I so wish I could go to see him. Terry
I would never think that we are being punished for anything...I think there are things that cause illnesses like my son\'s cancer...or what caused you sweet daughter\'s head to hurt so bad...and there just are not answers...Oh it would be so good to know answers...I mean I know the cancer took my son...but i don\'t know why he was not healed as I know God can and is all powerful.....but I don\'t believe as some people do say from the Bible that people are punished by other\'s deeds..this always haunted my mom...I think some wording could have been left out...or it was trying to explain something else...such as our action such as if we are heavy drinking and then drive..our action could cause someone harm...to me that is what it means...No you did not bring this on your daughter...I am sorry that she had something that the doctor could not find...sometimes I know with the pain I go through there have been times I just felt I could not take the pain any longer...pain is just so so hard to handle and when it gets non stop..I know as you said you have rubbed your daughter\'s temple\'s to get relief...my husband has rubbed my spine when I have horrible spasm...sometimes pain is just just unbearable...Take care of yourself, Sandi