dream

I just want to go back to sleep.  It’s one of those times where your dream life is so much better than waking life. 

I can still feel the happiness and peace I had in the dream.  So often, I could not even tell you if I dreamed at all.  Usually if I do remember they don’t stay with me long.  Today, I can’t seem to let it go. 

It’s vague, more feelings and flash images than an actual story:

Traveling with someone, a man, that is just a friend; or so it seems.  There is only one room where we stay, no big deal..we can share the bed.  We go to sleep and somehow during the night end up with arms and legs entwined.  We are fully clothed..this is a comfort thing..an emotional connection.  I wake and think..oh crap..and start to get up but he pulls me back to him and holds me close.  He holds my hand.  He pushes my hair back and touches my face and smiles at me. 

This is awfully similar to a book I just finished.  I’m sure that’s where it comes from.  Still, I just wanted to go back to sleep and hold on to those emotions.  Even now, hours later, I’m still holding on to them. 

It makes reality not nearly as inviting. 

It also reminds me of the first time Steve and I actually hung out.  It was on a company trip in Las Vegas.  Another friend hung out with us also.  The three of us were like the three musketeers that weekend.  I dragged them all over the strip and then we ended up in one of our hotel rooms.  Steve and I lay down on one bed and my other friend on the other and we laughed and giggled.  Steve held my hand and we napped for a bit. 

I didn’t know then that he was just trying to win me and that kind of affection was not who he really was.  Now he makes a big deal when he actually sleeps in the bed…with his back to me the whole night..like I should feel grateful.  I just want to go back to my dream world.

Last night we had just finished dinner.  I was having one of those broken brain moments where you can’t make simple decisions.  I was staring at the food on the stove trying to decide which storage containers I wanted to use.  He tells me…it’s a simple decision..what’s your problem?  I say, I’m having a moment. …just can’t decide anything at the moment.  He makes some smart ass remark that cleaning the kitchen should not take an hour and a half.  Now, I am pissed.   I say..well I will be sure to try not to take so long.  He’s wondering why I blow up and threatening to stay in the bay every night. (I think that would be nice) I don’t say anything…just look at him.  He’s been snapping at me for 15 years and now because I am fighting back he’s unhappy about it…even if my brain isn’t working right?  Funny, he used to love the feisty girl.

How many times over the years have I had to tell him..if you can’t speak to me with love and kindness..then just don’t fucking speak to me at all? 

He has been making comments about not being sure he wants to move to Oregon with his dad.  I said I would keep an open mind and I still am…sounds like he’s not wanting to go anymore though.  I think he is going to tell me that he doesn’t want to leave California.  When we had that argument a few weeks ago about how I am pressuring him to move, I knew it was coming.  Then when he started arguing that he had only promised he would consider moving when the kids were 18..whatever.  We made a deal.  Now he doesn’t want to stick to it.  I just keep reminding myself that I can still love him but choose to change my life.  It’s not black and white. Super lonely though. I just want to go back to my dream world and hold on to those emotions..even if I’m all by myself.