DREADING JULY 26TH
I am anticipating Sun with such anxiety. I have been staying on the Xanax and it has been helping me function. As I have said before I just do things because I have to. When I stay busy there are moments when Jackie pops into my head and then pops out. I know when I say this "I feel I should be crying more" it sounds like I want to wallow in my sadness. And I do sometimes. The damm pill won't let me. So I made a decision that I'm not going to take it on Sun. It will be the first time I go to the cemetery. The stone is done and its my Jackie's birthday. I am dreading this but yet I couldn't wait to get the stone done so I could go visit her. Just the thought of going there makes my heart physically ache. She should be here with me. My son brought the kids over twice last week and they are coming again today. I'm so happy to see them but when they leave, that overwhelming sadness surrounds me because I just think, "jackie you loved them so much, look at what you're missing." Then next Sat., her x-girlfriend and family are having a Mass said for Jackie. If I have made a little bit of progress, it really does'nt matter. There will always be something. And what do I do, never come off the Xanax, I know, I will slowly be able to cope better. Right now I don't want or care to cope better. Everyday is a struggle. I used to be so strong. I took care of everybody. I was the one everyone came to with their problems. I will never accept the fact that my daughter felt her life so worthless that she killed herself. I will battle that for the rest of my life.
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She didn\'t feel her life was worthless. She answered the \"siren song\". I had it myself last weekend, thank God I defeated it. I discussed this with both my therapists. One said that the \"voice\" I \"heard\" in my mind is the voice that people who complete suicide \"hear\" but can\'t fight. I had a terrible fear reaction to it but suicide is NOT a rational choice. If there are rational thoughts they block out the \"siren song\". One of the things my daughter said in her letter to me was \"...it\'s just too hard for me.\" Without rational thought, there\'s no defense. Your daughter didn\'t leave YOU, she escaped her pain.
Xanax isn\'t an anti-psychotic, it doesn\'t mask emotion, it just helps us deal with the tremendous stress and anxiety this horrible thing has caused us. I still grieve, I still cry, but the anxiety is gone so I can go back to trying to make some sort of life for myself. April will always be with me. She\'s the first person I will see when I, hopefully, am welcomed by God.
I hope for you a day that isn\'t too difficult, this is going to be a very difficult day. April\'s birthday also closely followed her crossing over. All these \"holidays\" and birthdays (including my own) and the horrible anniversary next March, they all bring sorrow and suffering, and they always will. But people who have been doing this far longer than I tell me that it gets \"gentler\" as time goes by. I hope they\'re right. I\'ll be praying for you tomorrow.
Jill, I still dont get it. But I\'m glad i have friends like you who can sort of explain what Jackie was feeling. I have so much going on now with me with doctors that I didnt call the theripist yet. Do you think you are better going to yours? I cry when I\'m on the Xanax but not much. I still get emotionall but I can control it. Sometimes I don\'t want to. Because I feel sorry for myself? Because i feel that the greatest loss of my life deserves my breakdown? The pain in Jackie\'s head was real and painful, but she was on lots of medications for headaches, stong meds, Klonipin, paxil, welbuterin, Topomax, and more. Pain meds. I believe this added to her depression. I think the pills had something to do with her personality change at the end. She was also trying to get her x-girlfriend back. She wanted to be friends. I kept telling her it was not a good idea. She started getting obsessed with her and they broke up 2 years ago. How did she so casually come home, tell me she was going out again and not to worry, go get my husbands gun and shoot herself. Jill I know we have to get better and I want to. Its so overwhelming. I wish I had a little of the faith you have. I used to. I am so glad that it gets you through the day. My daughter also wrote that she couldnt push herself anymore. That she tried just for me, but it was too hard. She knew exactly what she was going to do. Just when. She had a Will and saved for a funeral so she wouldnt burdeon me. That alone could kill me. The \"siren song\" I believe I had it but the rational side of me wouldn\'t let me take those pills or run my car off the road. Thank you for you prayers, Tomorrow will be bad
I also agree with Ellzeena....the xanax is for anxiety...your nerves. It will dull your nerves but will not influence your moods like an anti-depressant. I strongly urge you to read all that there is on the site Suicide Survivors....finding God in all this.....there you will find many articles on how all the drugs you have listed did indeed have a negative impact on your daughter...for as much good as those drugs do...there is so much that they do to destroy....the brain is still a mystery and they have NOT fine tuned the meds to be completely safe...after all, every person is different and also the brain chemistry. It is a trial by error type of situation. Unfortunately, the error could very well be death by the patient\'s own hand. My heart is filled with sadness for all of us.
July 26th would have been Brandon\'s 32nd birthday.....it is sad for me, too. I pray you will find the peace that passes all understanding...because it is God who gives us that kind of peace. He knows our pain....he knew your daughter\'s struggles and her pain....He is merciful and loving....hold on to that hope. I know that in this newness of loss that most words are insufficient to help....but later on it will be words that you cherish as you search for meaning in all of this. We can never know for certain....but one day we will KNOW ....I hold on to God\'s promises. I pray that for you, my friend. God loves you....blessings and hugs, dale...brandon\'s mom
Those angel days, anniversaries, birthdays have so much power over us, especially in the beginning. Go with the emotions that you feel...they are yours and you deserve to feel everyone of them. Love to you...Karen
Dale, I want to try to get to a place where I can let God back into my life. Jackie felt abandoned by the Church because she was gay. I found myself drifting away because my child was hurting. I always said the Rosary and prayed to the Blessed Mother because she knew my pain for sure. Trying to help my daughter everyday. Running to hospitals and doctors for over two years. Comforting her when she cried to me. I felt alone and my prayers were not answered. My sister keeps telling me that my mom was waiting for her when she got to heaven. She truly believes we will be together again. GOD I hope so. Thank you for your prayers. Gail
Pauljac, I truly believe we will be with our angels again. I had a friend tell me (one that had considered suicide) that they get into a hole and can\'t think past the moment. Nothing in there life at that moment seems like it will ever get better. It is so much easier to say thses words than to practice them ourselves. We have to remember our angels never did this to hurt us and they love us very much. Thursday was a very bad day for me. I cried all day. Everything reminded me of my Matt. I do believe that we have signs that are sent to us. I do know God is carrying us at the moment. Even though it seems we are all alone, It is unimaginable how hard this would be if we didn\'t have Him. Everyday we have emotions that are new to us. Thursday I felt like I wasn\'t a good mom, because I am so wrapped up in my own grief I cann\'t be there to help my other kids with their grief. I haven\'t been to a therapist or on medication ( not that I probably don\'t need it ). I have a hard time referring to Matt as our son, I know my husband is having a rough time with him being gone. But, I try to focus on him always being with me. Even though he isn\'t here in person he is in my heart and nothing can ever take that from me.
I am so sorry for your pain. My sons birthday is approaching soon as well and Its eating at me. My baby was only 8, I feel like I was cheated out of his life. I too think of taking my life daily, but I have another child that needs me, so as Ellzeena said, I ignore the siren song and push through. I think that seeing the pain you and others on here feel as a result of your loved ones taking thier lives has made me see what I would be putting my husband, son and father through if I decided to join my son...so in a way you all have kept me alive..so thank you for that. I wish I could take your pain from you...I wish I could take this awful pain from all of us on FMO. I will keep you in my prayers this week and hope that you are able to find strength..
I am so sorry that you had to join this group. It is a wonderful group but I\'m sure we all would not have chosen to join it. But I must say that it is a life saving group. You can say things here that we can say to someone who hasn\'t lost a child because they just don\'t understand. My Melissa also 30 died in Nov. 2008 and I still am just existing day by day...I was on xanax for a few months but was able to cry a lot. I think that we must cry as much as we can in the beginning to cleanse our souls from the deep deep hurting. I am now on Celexa (antidepressant). It has helped with the weepiness but I still cry on occasion but not as much as in the beginning. I think I am going to try Zoloft soon because the celexa is not helping with my energy level. When I\'m home I just want to sleep. I hope this site helps you as much as it has helped me. I just write once in a while but I read everyone\'s comments. They help so much. Hugs, Connie
I am thinking of you today, July 25th, and I will pray for you. GOD IS REAL, this isn\'t something we all \"invented\" to make us feel better (as the atheists claim, God help them). Your daughter is WITH GOD, she\'s safe, she\'s whole. Lean on HIM. You CAN get through this. You MUST get through this. I have a decal on my car, it says \"In loving memory of my precious daughter, April, so long as I\'m living my baby you\'ll be\". You carry her with you now just as you did before she was born. She won\'t leave you. Stand firm.