DREADING JULY 26TH
I am anticipating Sun with such anxiety. I have been staying on the Xanax and it has been helping me function. As I have said before I just do things because I have to. When I stay busy there are moments when Jackie pops into my head and then pops out. I know when I say this "I feel I should be crying more" it sounds like I want to wallow in my sadness. And I do sometimes. The damm pill won't let me. So I made a decision that I'm not going to take it on Sun. It will be the first time I go to the cemetery. The stone is done and its my Jackie's birthday. I am dreading this but yet I couldn't wait to get the stone done so I could go visit her. Just the thought of going there makes my heart physically ache. She should be here with me. My son brought the kids over twice last week and they are coming again today. I'm so happy to see them but when they leave, that overwhelming sadness surrounds me because I just think, "jackie you loved them so much, look at what you're missing." Then next Sat., her x-girlfriend and family are having a Mass said for Jackie. If I have made a little bit of progress, it really does'nt matter. There will always be something. And what do I do, never come off the Xanax, I know, I will slowly be able to cope better. Right now I don't want or care to cope better. Everyday is a struggle. I used to be so strong. I took care of everybody. I was the one everyone came to with their problems. I will never accept the fact that my daughter felt her life so worthless that she killed herself. I will battle that for the rest of my life.