Drawing conclusions and learning
I am looking forward to my future.
With BPDX gone I feel so much better, it's unreal!! He made me think I won't be able to live without him. If stuff overwhelms me, I just take it one step at the time, bit by bit, like AIK advised me as well. And it works. Eventually the most seemingly overwhelming task can be done if you take it one bit at the time. Including healing and dealing with grief. If I catch myself having a bad thought, I just say 'I'm free of him now! Never again!' I have been winding down this relationship for about 4 months now, but I had hope until about a month ago that he might change. I think this was because I was too kind and despite his lies and his actions not matching his promises, I was hoping that he will have an 'Oh, sit!' moment and he'll change. Yeah, right! How silly of me. Still, I was just being tolerant, kind and trusting. He didn't deserve any of it!
I think one of the resons for me why I have taken on BPDX is because it distructed me from me and sorting myself out - I just hated myself so much because of the rapes, the childhood abuse, I was very low and fixing me would have been painful, so I tried to fix someone else (who is a fuck up and unfixable...) I like me now, it took a while but I'm getting there. I like who I am, that I maintained my integrity and my kind and loving nature, and didn't turn into a string puppet from the way he treated me. I stayed true to myself and he couldn't 'break me in'. I was just wasting it on somebody undeserving and I don't want to spend a minute more to think about how badly he treated me and why, and killing myself trying to figure out his sick mind.. This is what's helping me when I had / have bad thoughts and start getting cut up about 'how he has treated me so bad' and 'why was he nice' and 'but I miss him' and all that stuff. HE IS an abuser. He needs to be nice sometimes to hook you in. If he was always horrible, you would have left after a few months tops. He knows this and he knows that he has to be nice to get his supply. HE treated me bad because he is a sick son of a bitch; an abuser, disordered and diseased. He is a psychopath. How do I know that? Because I read about the characteristics of a psychopath and he has them all: Inability to change, Inability to empathise with others, Inability to take responsible for his actions, Sudden outbursts of rage for no reason (although he always found one... and blamed it on me!) :-) and has a sense of entitlement.
What I miss is what I thought he was - but that wasn't real - and the 'good times' we had, but those 'good times' were just to hook me in. I thought he was something and he wasn't. He told me all these things about himself how he was deployed in Afghanistan and Iraq and how he had cancer (all on the first date!!, and within 2 weeks he told me he loved me!), and I jumped into the conclusion that he will be really laid back and not bother with things that are unimportant, that he will be patient and kind, but I was wrong. He was the angriest, most anal, and most short-fused guy I ever met. He didn't care about others and had a tremendous sense of entitlement. He saw himself superior to others. I didn't look at his actions (just like with exN, except this time I realised after 1 year and not 5...) but believed his words.
When I met him, I was vulnerable and getting divorced, just 7 months after exN left. BPDX wanted to 'rescue me' and he was much less of an ass when I was vulnerable. As soon as the divorce came through and I started to build me up again, he couldn't cope with the real me, so he kept abusing me to put me down so he can feel superior. It just got worse the more confident I became; because he needed to be more and more horrible to try to put me down as I became stronger and stronger. I cried a lot and it affected my health, but the bastard couldn't break me.
He was a total hypocrite - wanting me to behave in certain ways he wouldn't, and giving me orders all the time. But I always stood up to him and stayed true to myself. I was too tolerant and put up with his shit and believed his promises when he was blatantly lying and had no intentions or desire to change. As soon as I realised this, I decided to buy a house and move out.
All of him is fake and nasty, and he could never have me again. I broke all contact with him and never want to talk to him or hear from him again. he is dead to me. I had enough of BPDX' nonsense, abuse and crap. I don't want to spend another minute of my life brooding over him because everything we had was fake. We couldn't have 'had it all' because he had nothing to give; he wanted a stepford wife, an emotional slave, and just throw money at her. I'm proud I am not that kind of person!
I don't want to analyse it anymore because I have done it and I drew my conclusions. Next time (if there will be one...) if my instincts says NO, I will not see them again. If they do something that makes me feel uncomfortable, two strikes and you're out. If it seems like too much work, they can take a hike. It's not supposed to feel like how exN and BPDX made me feel! I'm now spending my energy focusing on me and doing what FEELS good to me. I feel good and with collecting evidence, logging it all and being assertive with HR, I no longer have to report to my nasty old manager (from yesterday afternoon!!) WOOOO-HOOOO!
My life is changing so much, I'm learning so much, and I'm loving it!
AND I THANK ALL MY FRIENDS IN DS (AND IN THE REAL WORLD) :-) FOR HELPING ME, SUPPORTING ME, BEING THERE FOR ME AND BEING HONEST WITH ME!!!I have a lot more work to do on me so I'll be sticking around! :-)
With BPDX gone I feel so much better, it's unreal!! He made me think I won't be able to live without him. If stuff overwhelms me, I just take it one step at the time, bit by bit, like AIK advised me as well. And it works. Eventually the most seemingly overwhelming task can be done if you take it one bit at the time. Including healing and dealing with grief. If I catch myself having a bad thought, I just say 'I'm free of him now! Never again!' I have been winding down this relationship for about 4 months now, but I had hope until about a month ago that he might change. I think this was because I was too kind and despite his lies and his actions not matching his promises, I was hoping that he will have an 'Oh, sit!' moment and he'll change. Yeah, right! How silly of me. Still, I was just being tolerant, kind and trusting. He didn't deserve any of it!
I think one of the resons for me why I have taken on BPDX is because it distructed me from me and sorting myself out - I just hated myself so much because of the rapes, the childhood abuse, I was very low and fixing me would have been painful, so I tried to fix someone else (who is a fuck up and unfixable...) I like me now, it took a while but I'm getting there. I like who I am, that I maintained my integrity and my kind and loving nature, and didn't turn into a string puppet from the way he treated me. I stayed true to myself and he couldn't 'break me in'. I was just wasting it on somebody undeserving and I don't want to spend a minute more to think about how badly he treated me and why, and killing myself trying to figure out his sick mind.. This is what's helping me when I had / have bad thoughts and start getting cut up about 'how he has treated me so bad' and 'why was he nice' and 'but I miss him' and all that stuff. HE IS an abuser. He needs to be nice sometimes to hook you in. If he was always horrible, you would have left after a few months tops. He knows this and he knows that he has to be nice to get his supply. HE treated me bad because he is a sick son of a bitch; an abuser, disordered and diseased. He is a psychopath. How do I know that? Because I read about the characteristics of a psychopath and he has them all: Inability to change, Inability to empathise with others, Inability to take responsible for his actions, Sudden outbursts of rage for no reason (although he always found one... and blamed it on me!) :-) and has a sense of entitlement.
What I miss is what I thought he was - but that wasn't real - and the 'good times' we had, but those 'good times' were just to hook me in. I thought he was something and he wasn't. He told me all these things about himself how he was deployed in Afghanistan and Iraq and how he had cancer (all on the first date!!, and within 2 weeks he told me he loved me!), and I jumped into the conclusion that he will be really laid back and not bother with things that are unimportant, that he will be patient and kind, but I was wrong. He was the angriest, most anal, and most short-fused guy I ever met. He didn't care about others and had a tremendous sense of entitlement. He saw himself superior to others. I didn't look at his actions (just like with exN, except this time I realised after 1 year and not 5...) but believed his words.
When I met him, I was vulnerable and getting divorced, just 7 months after exN left. BPDX wanted to 'rescue me' and he was much less of an ass when I was vulnerable. As soon as the divorce came through and I started to build me up again, he couldn't cope with the real me, so he kept abusing me to put me down so he can feel superior. It just got worse the more confident I became; because he needed to be more and more horrible to try to put me down as I became stronger and stronger. I cried a lot and it affected my health, but the bastard couldn't break me.
He was a total hypocrite - wanting me to behave in certain ways he wouldn't, and giving me orders all the time. But I always stood up to him and stayed true to myself. I was too tolerant and put up with his shit and believed his promises when he was blatantly lying and had no intentions or desire to change. As soon as I realised this, I decided to buy a house and move out.
All of him is fake and nasty, and he could never have me again. I broke all contact with him and never want to talk to him or hear from him again. he is dead to me. I had enough of BPDX' nonsense, abuse and crap. I don't want to spend another minute of my life brooding over him because everything we had was fake. We couldn't have 'had it all' because he had nothing to give; he wanted a stepford wife, an emotional slave, and just throw money at her. I'm proud I am not that kind of person!
I don't want to analyse it anymore because I have done it and I drew my conclusions. Next time (if there will be one...) if my instincts says NO, I will not see them again. If they do something that makes me feel uncomfortable, two strikes and you're out. If it seems like too much work, they can take a hike. It's not supposed to feel like how exN and BPDX made me feel! I'm now spending my energy focusing on me and doing what FEELS good to me. I feel good and with collecting evidence, logging it all and being assertive with HR, I no longer have to report to my nasty old manager (from yesterday afternoon!!) WOOOO-HOOOO!
My life is changing so much, I'm learning so much, and I'm loving it!
AND I THANK ALL MY FRIENDS IN DS (AND IN THE REAL WORLD) :-) FOR HELPING ME, SUPPORTING ME, BEING THERE FOR ME AND BEING HONEST WITH ME!!!I have a lot more work to do on me so I'll be sticking around! :-)
Replies
I am SO GLAD he is finally out of your life! This makes me so happy to read. You are right, he is fake and nasty and he never, ever deserved you. I\'m so glad he won\'t be weighing you down anymore and you don\'t have to deal with his b.s....EVER AGAIN!! Seriously, celebrate, this is such a huge triumph. I\'m glad you are sticking around )not just cuz i\'d miss you) but because there is still work to do and its as you said, all the sexual abuse, and childhood abuse. And you\'re so right, we take them on because it distracts us on sorting ourselves out and we can focus instead on fixing them. I\'m realizing its so easy to look at someone else and point out all the problems and so DIFFICULT to really look at myself and change. Anyways, I\'m uber proud of you and congrats on starting NC...stay strong!
p.s. start preparing now, gathering strength to reject him and stay NC for when he comes back in 1-2 months professing his undying love and saying he\'s changed cuz its probably gonna happen
Thanks goingup!!
I seriously doubt he\'ll try to come back; he sees what I\'ve \'done\' as rejecting him. Anyway, I barred him from FB and barred him from sending me emails; knowing him he probably deleted my phone number, and unless he opens a new email account, he can\'t send me an inmail. I honestly think he won\'t be in touch and he\'s going back to the US in early Sept so...
Anyway, if he did try, I\'m totally not interested, I don\'t know what I saw in him in the first place and I think he was just a filler in my life. He had about 300 chances and blew them all, no more chances for him!
He made me feel like I need him and won\'t be able to live without him but I now know that\'s not true. If he did try to contact me, I will just ignore him.
Thanks honey!
A xx