downward spiral

My mood has been on a very slow downward spiral all day.  I have no idea why.  it started out ok...I was pretty relaxed even though I had to go in early to move some equipment around.  I got pulled into a last minute meeting that lasted for 3 hours.  That was the beginning of it.  No coffee the whole time does not a happy Trish make.  yeah, if there was any doubt that I have a coffee addiction..there's a big clue.  I got back to my desk and ate lunch while trying to catch up on all the crap that came in while I was stuck in the meeting.  It was one of those days where everything is our fault..even if it had nothing to do with us.  whatever.  My boss was pretty irritated also so I know that's why he suggested we end our day in the town we live in..we had to install some timeclocks and change out a phone.  People are driving all stupid and it was one of those days where I have NO patience and should not be on the road. 

Still, it gets me home a little earlier and I don't have to fight the 5pm traffic on the freeway...my mood continues to spiral down.

I have so much on my mind.  Steve and I have never been further apart.  We are leaving for Oregon on Friday but he has already said he does not want to move there...I think he is just afraid to tell his dad.  Some days I feel like I have hope to have a real life again someday...some days I have nothing. Nothing but the line of a stupid song in my head...  the Gambler.. the best you can hope for is to die in your sleep.  I have no idea where that came from.  Stupid. 

Where would I go without him?  Back to AZ?  I have no real connections to anyone there anymore.  The things that call to me are just echoes of the past...the old saying is true...you can't go home again.  I cannot afford to stay here in CA on my own.  This state is horribly un-affordable.  Not if I ever want to ride again.  I will ride...even if it kills me.  That one dream is all I have left...it is all I have held onto for 15 years. If I have to go out..better to do it from the back of a horse.  I always wanted this t-shirt that had lettering upside down.  It said:  If you can read this, please put me back on my horse.

Last night he had fallen asleep and I went to take a shower and get ready for bed.  When I came back out to let Remi out he was awake and staring at the tv, although I could tell he wasn't really watching.  I asked if he was alright and he said yes.  This morning he seemed grumpy so I asked again if he was alright.  It was not like him to be awake that late.  He said he was fine.  I asked if something was on his mind. and he kind of snapped and said it's just work..it's always on my mind.  Oh yeah, like I could forget that is his whole life...  I just dropped it and went to get ready for work.  He said don't go away mad.  I said I'm not..and I really wasn't.  It doesn't even really bother me anymore..which is not a good sign.  I'm not really emotionally invested in anything he does anymore.  I think that is why I feel so lonely. He gets mad that all I do is work my stupid puzzles all evening.  It kills the time and is relaxing and I don't have to listen to his stupid work stories.  I get more comfort from strangers (meaning I have not met them face to face) here on DS, than I do from the man I live with.  spiraling down....

Yep, just resigning myself to being that crazy, old lonely cat lady living in the desert.  Pathetic