Downer
I hate to be a downer...there is so much positive energy going around but I really need some help. Today was another day my husband brought boxes of things from our house we put on the market. Going through so much, trying to decide which treasures to keep and which to throw away...I swear, anything that was once touched by my Cassi is a treasure to me. I have her frilly pink dress...her recital costume...her little batting helmet from tee-ball...her baby book, which I didn't finish (more guilt)...
Soon after it happened, I believed there had to be a purpose, I only had to survive until God showed me what it was I was meant to do. It's been over 6 months, and nothing. I don't think I have ever felt so helpless or so hopeless...I just know my husband has to be tired of my tears, even though he has never said so. I have even thought about voluntarily checking myself into the hospital today...but then remembering when Cassi was there and they did nothing but make her miserable...and I don't want to be away from my dogs, don't want Nazi nurses in charge of my medication.
Going through her things...we had a chance!!! We made an awesome baby, a brilliant kid and somewhere along the way we messed up...we ruined the perfect baby God gave us...we did not return her in impeccable condition the way He gave her to us...Oh God, she was so beautiful. But I KNEW...somehow, some way I had this sense of impending doom, that I repressed and repressed and did some very bad things to drown out those feelings, it was just too terrible to consider, but I couldn't outrun them...and I loved her SO MUCH...I knew I was very susceptible...to what, I couldn't specifically name...I only knew that sure God must have made a mistake entrusting US with HER.
I can't talk on the phone, I have no idea why...I just can't, so those of you with my number, please don't call me, that's not what I am asking for...I want words of wisdom but I want to read them...so weird, what kind of person is afraid of the phone??? OMG!!!
Her birthday is next Wednesday too, the 20th. My due date August 17th, tomorrow...which also marks the 27th week when she ****. I remember, being pregnant...tired of being asked hundreds of times a day (it seemed) when I was due. I remember making a joke about it, that I needed to get a pin that said August 17th, girl, first...since the next questions were if I knew the sex of my baby and if it was my first...same questions...and I thought I had problems...naive, 20 years old...then she was late...around midnight I woke up with a hell of a pain...she was ready...then at 10:47am...Cassadi Leann Churchwell was born...8 lbs, 20 inches long...dark hair, plump and beautiful...my heart inside the most beautiful baby in the world. I had primal instincts, didn't want anyone holding her besides her Daddy...I trusted him implicitly, but only him. I wanted to growl, roar, at anyone who came near my precious cub. Once I had her, I knew I would kill or die for her...if only...if only that had been my fate.
Soon after it happened, I believed there had to be a purpose, I only had to survive until God showed me what it was I was meant to do. It's been over 6 months, and nothing. I don't think I have ever felt so helpless or so hopeless...I just know my husband has to be tired of my tears, even though he has never said so. I have even thought about voluntarily checking myself into the hospital today...but then remembering when Cassi was there and they did nothing but make her miserable...and I don't want to be away from my dogs, don't want Nazi nurses in charge of my medication.
Going through her things...we had a chance!!! We made an awesome baby, a brilliant kid and somewhere along the way we messed up...we ruined the perfect baby God gave us...we did not return her in impeccable condition the way He gave her to us...Oh God, she was so beautiful. But I KNEW...somehow, some way I had this sense of impending doom, that I repressed and repressed and did some very bad things to drown out those feelings, it was just too terrible to consider, but I couldn't outrun them...and I loved her SO MUCH...I knew I was very susceptible...to what, I couldn't specifically name...I only knew that sure God must have made a mistake entrusting US with HER.
I can't talk on the phone, I have no idea why...I just can't, so those of you with my number, please don't call me, that's not what I am asking for...I want words of wisdom but I want to read them...so weird, what kind of person is afraid of the phone??? OMG!!!
Her birthday is next Wednesday too, the 20th. My due date August 17th, tomorrow...which also marks the 27th week when she ****. I remember, being pregnant...tired of being asked hundreds of times a day (it seemed) when I was due. I remember making a joke about it, that I needed to get a pin that said August 17th, girl, first...since the next questions were if I knew the sex of my baby and if it was my first...same questions...and I thought I had problems...naive, 20 years old...then she was late...around midnight I woke up with a hell of a pain...she was ready...then at 10:47am...Cassadi Leann Churchwell was born...8 lbs, 20 inches long...dark hair, plump and beautiful...my heart inside the most beautiful baby in the world. I had primal instincts, didn't want anyone holding her besides her Daddy...I trusted him implicitly, but only him. I wanted to growl, roar, at anyone who came near my precious cub. Once I had her, I knew I would kill or die for her...if only...if only that had been my fate.
Replies
I don\'t think you are a downer at all. You are in pain; unbelievable pain! I don\'t know how everyone else felt but I can tell you that I felt the same way about the phone. I would get on this sight and read and write, but I didn\'t want to talk to anyone pn the phone or face to face. I think it is because by reading the messages we can process them at our own pace. We can stop if we need to or come back to it over an over. We can cry while reading or get angry and yell at the monitor. It somehow feels safer. So please don\'t think of yourself as being afraid of the phone but instead know that it is your coping mechanism and trying to cope with the passing of our child we have to do whatever we need to do to survive!
You are doing what you are meant to do and that is healing. There is nothing more important than that right now and what looks and feels like \"nothing\" is far from it. You are using every ounce of life force energy to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Talking on the phone uses energy and you are needing to keep your reserves and thank goodness for this site where we can come, read and BE with one another in this way. The phone and I are not the best of friends either and thank goodness for texts and emails as that is my main mode of communication.
Losing a child has made me feel like an empathic failure as well... This is a core wound that I am trying to heal and I suspect there is not a mom on this site that doesn\'t feel that somehow we \"messed\" up because we have survived our children. I just do not think we are that powerful and our children\'s paths were theirs as is ours and that is just something that each of us must wrestle with in our own way and in our time.
Oh, Gina... Six months is such a short time even though I know it feels like an eternity too. Please heed all the moms who remind you to be as gentle with yourself as you can be and to know that somehow you will learn how to carry your loss. That is what this time of feeling like \"nothing\" is happening is about. You are learning how to awaken to each day, put one foot in front of the other and to trust...
My due date with Douglas was August 9th and he arrived on the 17th, thirty-one years ago. Our Leo\'s with their gorgeous hair, the most tender of hearts, so very loyal and possessing a mighty roar.
With you, caring and am thinking of you as Cassi\'s birthday approaches.
Loving care,
XO Joanie
These special days are just the worst. The first six months, oh my! I never even got to go to a funeral. My son died in Israel, and I was called after he was already buried.
The first year we\'re quite insane. Accept it. We all felt this way, just sinking in the quicksand of grief. Believe me, it\'s four and a half years for me, it does get easier, and this is the place to go to heal. You did NOT screw anything up. If love was enough, all our children would be alive. We would all give the world to have our children back. I would.
Hang in there sister, you are not alone. Hope to meet you someday, love, Abby
{{{HUGS}}}
Oh dear Gina, please do not think you are a downer. This is the place where you can let out all of your emotions (pain, fear, anger, etc.). We are all on this journey together, some farther along than others.
You are so very new on this path that no one wants to be on. I also felt the guilt of should have, could have and would have. And to this day, I still often ask WHY?
Gina, I know how heartbreaking it is to sort through your sweet child\'s things. It is a painful reminder of how much we miss and yearn for our children who have passed.
I also believe your feelings are very normal. I remember isolating myself, not wanting to answer the phone or the door. There are many days that I still feel that way. We are wrought with all kinds of feelings and emotions that change day to day and go up and down like a roller coaster.
Please go easy on yourself especially as you approach your dear daughter\'s birthday. I will light a candle in honor of Cassadi Leann Churchwell on that special day.
With love, peace and a tight hug,
Diane
So much compassion for you Gina. (((Hugs)))
I don\'t talk on the phone either if I can help it -- even with my sister, who I love dearly. Just can\'t do it anymore. So whatever works for you is the right thing and the right time. Maybe it will change and maybe it won\'t.
Just don\'t blame yourself for what happened to Cassi. You sound like an absolutely loving mother. We cannot prevent tragedies from happening and you shouldn\'t take on that guilt. I just can\'t imagine it\'s deserved. You loved Cassi and suffered a loss you should not have. But it\'s not your fault.
Wishing you peace and comfort during the upcoming week.
Hey Gina, I agree with the others. I know most people (who have not encountered this kind of loss) think it is a long time....well sweetheart, it is not. It is an every single day struggle for me. I tried to do a lot of reading, ie The Shack and Matt\'s girlfriend and I worked on scrapbooks filled with all of the cards and wishes we could print out from the funeral home...it was the only thing that I could do. I have never liked being on the phone....if you don\'t want to=you don\'t have to. Just this note you gave will let Mom\'s know that you are not wanting that now and I believe they will not call until you want them to. I also have searched for the WHY? And what is God plan for me now...it has been six years....nothing from the most high. I too will light a candle for Cassadi Leann Churchwell WE can all say her name all of the time....so many times people tip toe around and are afraid to say your child\'s name...no one on here will do that we will shout her name with JOY as your were blessed to be a mother to a beautiful child. My sister and nephew share the 17th for birthdays so I will have plenty of candles burning. It is too early to be making major decisions. If there are some things you just can\'t let go of right now, can you rent a storage place for them, I found it easier to let go of more of Matthew\'s things as I walked farther down this path. Find for some yoga or other meditation...it will do wonders. It helped me a lot. Learning to BREATHE again was very helpful. I still catch myself holding my breath...I don\'t know why, it is like I forget about it. You are allowed to cry all you want. But really try to make some date nights that can be fun YOU ARE ALLOWED TO LAUGH. Mama Mia came out the summer after Matthew was murdered. It felt good to laugh...I think Sex and the City 1 or 2 came out then too. Laughter can help you heal a small part of your heart. {{{HUGS}}} RAWR!!!!!!!!!!
It\'s wonderful to read the uplifting journals of Moms fresh from the retreat, but that\'s not what this place is all about. This place is about sharing, good, and bad; joy, and pain. Any mother who has lost a child has stood in your place, and still does at times.
You don\'t need the hospital. BTW...let me make something clear here. my daughter hated the hospital too; she made it sound like a torture chamber. BUT.....I was in the lock down ward for three days and three nights just after her departure and I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE. There was nothing horrible about it, Gina. There were no Nazi nurses Gina. There were people who cared, who watched me, who helped me struggle, who gave me the medication I needed for those three days; and there were the other patients, seriously ill people in the lock down ward, who loved me, embraced me (literally), took me by the hand, made me eat breakfast lunch and dinner, covered me if I fell asleep in front of the TV. The perception that the hospital is a \"terrible place\" is part of mental illness and serious emotional dysfunction. I\'ve never felt so safe and so loved in all of my life than those three days in the psych ward.
You don\'t need a hospital. There is no medication for this horror. Six months is nothing. Your husband can\'t possibly be judging you, he is struggling with own manner of grief. April\'s Dad is just waking up now, he\'s just now (three and one half years later on 9/2) feeling the full pain, talking about his daughter, cherishing her things (he took some out of storage), and I know feeling guilt because as a Dad he did not do so well by her, emotionally. This has changed him. And that change is good.
You did not \"ruin\" your daughter, Gina. Mental illness is not the result of something Mom and Dad didn\'t do right. Even horribly abused children can, and do, grow up free of mental illness. You did not return your precious Cassi to God having destroyed her. Far from it. He sees your heart, He sees the pain, your feelings of impending doom (I had them also) were a subconscious reaction to a glaring reality you could not face head on because you would have broken down. She is not broken, Gina. She is free, and restored, and she has completed her journey. We have no answer to \"why\", not really, although over time and with prayer it does appear to me that I am getting a kind of \"answer\", yes. Perhaps you will too.
Today I was having my coffee and thinking that I am totally alone, worrying about being very old and totally alone, going over in my mind \"How could she leave me, why was it okay to hurt me this way\".....when I\'ve answered that question ten thousand times with the truth: she didn\'t leave me, she couldn\'t go one more day with the horror in her mind. This had nothing to do with me. And then, the \'still small voice\" that asked me \"Can\'t you put your trust in God and open the door to some hope, some small hope, that He has good things for you but you must allow them?\"
You\'re not at that place yet,, not after six months. You can be. Everything you feel is normal. You don\'t belong in a psych ward, they wouldn\'t let you in unless you were actively suicidal. You\'re doing something very very difficult and at the wrong time of year, pregnancy dates, birth dates.....every time you must do something difficult, you will take a step or two or four back. But you will keep going forward. You still have that grief counselor? She should be reminding you of these things. Even a head cold or a tooth ache is going to set you back Gina. But each time you recover you learn more about the reality that you CAN, and each time you DO you get a little stronger. I understand about the phone, I can\'t do that either. I can\'t do instant messaging. I have a therapist. Writing is freeing, you can speak what\'s on your heart, that\'s why we journal.
I pray for Cassi but she doesn\'t need my prayers, you do; so I pray for you, too.
My dear friend, I believe that God gave Cassi to you and your husband, because you were the perfect parents for her. She did not pass because of anything you did wrong, but it was God\'s will to take her Home. Like you, I also believe that the Lord will show me what my new goal in this life will be. I still have no direction in my life, (after 1 year), and just survive through each day, until I reach the point of deeper understanding.
Gentle hugs!
I think all the moms who wrote you gave some wonderful advice and love to you. I don,t know more to say, 6 months iis nothing. when you loose your only child how could we be over it in 6 months, Life back to normal and your daughter gone. i don,t think so. it has been 10 years since i watched my daughter suffeer and die it took 81 days. i thought i was going to die or go insane. it sucks it is a night mare. But it will get better but i think it will take longer then 6 months. I,am sorry Gina I feel so sad some days and grief is not easy. But things will work out for you and your husband. men don,t grief like us moms. bless your angel love mary ann
Gina, I messed up too. All parents make mistakes. But we did the best we could. Cassi and Ed know this. Your daughter, my son are perfect. Both when God\'s grace allowed them to be gifted to us and now.They are made in God\'s image and living eternally in his perfect love. Somehow, we have to heal. That is our developmental task. I, like you, would have gladly traded places with Ed but we are here, left to live and heal. I know one thing; you and I would have moved Heaven and Earth to save our kids!
I understand your feelings completely...I had so much guilt too. But we love our kids and did our best.
I agree with Joanie. Just try to rest, heal and take care of you. Your purpose will come later. Cassi and God will let you know.
Love to you and dearest Cassi, Linda
Oh Gina. I so hear you. We were blessed with beautiful baby girls. Of course we were not perfect but we did the best we could with what we knew. It is not your fault - you did not mess up. I hate it but I think we as humans are destined to be what we are; to come in to this world and leave when we are meant to. I don\'t think there is anything we could have done differently to change the outcome. Cassi and Lisa know we love them and that we did our very best.
It just sucks big time.
Healing happens slowly and unpredictably. Please take care of you.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I could not talk on the phone in those early days. I could pound on the key board so I did. My good friend & I emailed back and forth, this was my only communication i wanted. Boy my key board was in pain with all the pressure of my fingers pounding on it LOL But this worked for me ! I could cry screem or curse and no one knew, just me and the key board. You will find something that works for you, then you will be able to talk on the phone and to people face to face, it takes time DO NOT rush things just let them fall into place
big hugs Penny