DONT UNDERSTAND WHY I FEEL LIKE THIS

It will be 14 months on July 10th since my Jackie is gone.  The first year I tried very, very hard not to be upset with or place blame.  I am a rational person. 
I know I have mentioned Jackie was gay and she did have a 2 year relationship.  This girl she was with was a doll.  But she was 7 years younger and I kept telling my daughter to be careful.  She said she knew it probably wouldn't last but she loved Amanda and Amanda told Jackie that she would be with her forever.
When Amanda broke it off with Jackie she really didn't do it right and Jackie's heart was broken.  How can you break up the right way.  My daughter was devastated.  But she got over it and went on with her life.  Until that dreadful day she woke up with that pounding in her left temple.   Who knew that would be the end of my beautiful daughter.  After 2 years Amanda was back in her life as a friend and I told Jackie that if she still had feelings for her she shouldn't be friends with her.  But Jackie insisted that she could handle it.
She had no life and she wanted someone.  The night Jackie took her life she did it in front of Amanda's house.  My sister and my son told me that her texts to Amanda were crazy and Amanda kept telling her to go home.  
What I am getting at is now, one year later, I can't shake it that I want to call her and ask her why she didn't call me that night and tell me that jackie was high and drunk.  Why.  I hate what i'm feeling.  I just got off facebook.  We did keep in touch because I never wanted to make her feel responsible for that night.  It wasn't her fault.  But I want to blame her now.  She should have called me.  I was going to send her a message just to say Hi and when I pulled up her page, she moved to Maryland with some girl.  OMG,  I got sick to my stomach.  First of all I didn't know she was moving out of her house.  Second,  "She found the love of her life"!!!!   WOW,  I can't stop crying.  My daughter was the love of her life for 2 years.  When Jackie died, in her letter she told me not to hate Amanda that she always loved her and Amanda was on the safety deposit box where she had her money for her funeral.  My son and sister had to go with her to the bank.
I am so sick.  I want to call her and tell her that I hope she never has a day of happiness.  I know how wrong that is, I know how I must sound.  But, my daughter is dead and the love of her life is just going on, finding happiness that my daughter will never have.  I know I am so wrong, but I can't help myself.  What the hell is happening to me.  I was doing good for a while.  I'm on the prozac, i'm on the Klonopin.  I'm so angry.  How do I control my feelings.  What do I do.  I'm just gonna cry this out tonite.  Maybe when tomorrow comes and I am back to doing daily chores I won't think so much.   Thanks again for listening to me AGAIN. 
 
 
 

Replies

DorisL
DorisL

I think you are feeling just the way you should be. My son has been gone a year and I am so fearing when my daughter n law starts seeing other men.I know she can\'t be alone for ever but I just feel like she is my son\'s wife no one else should be with her but my Jeff. I love her like one of my own but I still feel this way.
you are so right that Amanda should have called you and told you what was going on.
I feel your pain our children are gone Why! why why?
Hugs Doris
Sportybrat883
Sportybrat883

Paulij I just lost my son in March, he was diabetic and his live in girlfriend both suffer with mental illness, She knew that he was diabetic and she knew that he wasn\'t feeling well. I lost my Wes to diabetic ketoacidosis, this is 100% preventable. There are times when I want to blame her for not calling me during his last couple of days when he was so sick. She knew that he wasn\'t eating, but I know that I feel this way only because I want someone to blame for his being gone. I lost my mother 21 years ago just after her 58th birthday while she was in the hospital. At that time I had to become a firm believer that when it is someones time to go there is no stopping it and if it is not their time then they can not cause it. My husband had a friend who rode his motorcycle into a wall trying to kill himself. He ended up as a vegetable in a nursing home for the next five years. When it came his time to go he just slipped away. I know that the pain can take us to some very unwanted places in our mind but by allowing this we can only cause ourselves even more pain. It would be easy to blame someone else but in the big picture of things we are all put on this earth for certain reasons, either for us to learn the lessons we need to learn in life or as a vessel to teach someone else their lessons. Please be kind and gentle to yourself right now sending you big gentle hugs and peace. Kathy
deleted_user
deleted_user

This is NORMAL, anger is NORMAL and you\'re just at about the time when it starts to raise its ugly head, happened to me also at about 14 months. I understand your intense anger at this person for not calling you that night but WHAT COULD YOU HAVE DONE? Your daughter was in a psychotic state, having a breakdown. She was incoherent and that\'s less likely due to alcohol than to severe emotional and mental anguish. Mixed with medications she was taking, alcohol may have seriously aggravated her emotional condition. You can\'t mix prescription meds and alcohol, I can tell you from personal experience some weeks back when I casually drank too much wine, without thinking, and took my meds at bedtime. Oh boy the next day was emotional hell!

No one is to \"blame\" but one person, the person who acted, your beloved child. And she isn\'t to \"blame\" either because suicide is not a rational act, it\'s not done by people in their \"right\" mind, thinking clearly and free of serious emotional disturbance. I know you have thought of suicide - what mother whose child is gone in this manner has NOT??? BUT...did you DO IT? No. Why? Because you\'re not mentally ill, you\'re not emotionally unstable, you\'re suffering from grief, a normal Human emotion.

What Sportybrat (Kathy) said is right. God is in charge of life and death. One of my therapists has told me stories of serious suicide attempts that just did not work. ONE man threw himself out of an EIGHT STORY window and lived. Now he\'s all crippled on one side of his body. Another went off the Bridge here, and trust me it\'s very, very high over the Hudson River, and LIVED, even though almost all his major bones were broken. God allows, or does not allow, a soul to come back to Him. In HIS time. Just as He allows souls to be conceived, in HIS time.

I don\'t know how old this Amanda is but she sounds like a kid. She\'s confused, she\'s extremely needy, looking for the \"love of her life\" is very adolescent behavior. She had NO way of knowing what Jackie would do! How COULD she? WHO could even IMAGINE the horror of that act? I saw a You Tube video my April watched the night before she took her life, it was an instruction on how to load a shotgun (I had a root kit on her computer, it sent me reports about what she was doing). At first, I was shocked, but it went RIGHT OUT OF MY HEAD, so unlike me! WHO in their \"right\" mind would think such a horror possible???? I blamed myself for months but then I realized all my behavior that day was off, I dropped my guard completely, she was meant to be released from her torment that day.

There\'s no one to blame. There\'s justifiable anger but it will resolve. You need to work through this with a therapist. You will come to blame yourself: \"why didn\'t I know....why didn\'t I call....why why why why\" but the truth is no one can have predicted this, no one could have stopped it. You couldn\'t have gotten there in time to stop it and it\'s likely she wouldn\'t have answered her cell phone if she saw you were calling because she was not rational and she did not want to be stopped.
jill
NoraMc
NoraMc

You can write anything here,,,we all understand and love you...the blame thing,,,I do it..but it is to myself,,,but that is my problem....
(((hugs))) to you..
Pauljac49
Pauljac49

I can always count on you guys to bring me into reality. All of your responses make sense to me. I need to hear them. I need to know that what is happening to me is normal in this situation. Sometimes I feel like I am hanging on by a thread. I want to feel again. My granddaughter is giving birth in August and my niece got engaged. Why can\'t I express the happiness I know I would if I wasn\'t in this circumstance. I pray so hard that as time passes I will heal. This site and all of you are so important in my life. You all are my lifeline. Not my therapist. ALL OF YOU. Sadly, you all know how I feel and I know how you feel when you have your down days and I hope that when i respond tto some of your journals when you are unhappy that I can help just as much. I love you all, Gail
MomofJosh
MomofJosh

Gail,
I am struggling too with anger and soon it will be 3 years. Why couldn\'t my dil tell me my son was in trouble? Why did she act like she was going for a visit to her moms and then bring a uhaul? I treated this woman like my own daughter, why?

It is all normal. Be gentle with yourself. It is especially hard when the partner starts having happiness again. It just doesn\'t seem fair.

I had practice grieving since my mom had died 2 years earlier. I went to Target and bought a Tae Bo punching bag. It really was good therapy.
It cost $15 but was worth much more.

With love,
Leda
KandL
KandL

Gail, I think the anger is a normal part of the grief process. And if we can blame someone, find a reason, then maybe some of this makes sense? But it will never make sense. We were never supposed to have to bury our children..it is not the natural order of things. But I do think as human beings it is also natural to be jealous that our kid\'s spouses or partners are going on with their lives while our child now resides in Heaven. When I get angry at my DIL who I feel contributed to my son\'s stress and may have contributed to his early death from a heart attack I try to pray for her. And believe me; I\'m no saint. I could revel in my anger sometimes because anger for me is sometimes a better feeling than the profound sadness..but praying for her helps ME. I calm down and get some perspective. Jackie may have had a bio chemical issue that led her to make that terrible choice that day. With the terrible headaches she was suffering who knows what your precious girl was dealing with physiologically. I am so very sorry my dear friend. It has not been a long time since Jackie left for Heaven. It will be 3 years for me in September & I am just now starting to have decent days. Keep sharing, love..let it out here. Be gentle with you...Love to you and Jackie, Linda
ter1
ter1

Gail anger is a part of grieving, just as the others have already said. Whatever you are feeling is the right thing to feel for you. Sending love to you, Terry