don't look so innocent
IN yesterdays mediation, while I was trying to talk to Elly (5th grade) and let her know that she doesn't deserve the overwhelming guilt that she feels. that it belongs on the shoulders of the abuser. My older, wiser self was sitting on the couch and Elly turned to her - with LOTS of anger and said, "don't look so innocent" - it was more of a growl. My older self felt like it was some kind of inner voice (introjection?) of the mother that was speaking - and not really Elly. My older self walked right over to Elly, didn't take a single word personally, and began to continue to say that there was nothing she did that warranted her feeling this guilty. She is a child. She is innocent by default. It's as if Elly, temporarily, turned into some kind of monster. It was really strange.
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It sounds like maybe your younger self is indicating that your older self is partly to blame. Or rather still blaming herself for the abuse. I sometimes think I could have stopped it so easily and wonder why I didn't. I know all the part about the threats and being under his control, but I something think I should have been smart enough to tell someone and make it all go away. It is very easy to know logicially that you weren't at fault and it was all your abuser. But to sink that down to the depths of your soul and truly believe it in every little corner is so very very very hard. I hope you keep trying.
Wow, that is odd. I am sure it is an introject of your mother - unfortunately we all have these kinds of voices inside. I remember in real life as a teen babysitting for a 7 year old girl once and she once demanded out of the blue in what was clearly her mother's voice, "What are you into?!" (like what mischief are you getting into). It was weird. I'm so glad that your wise self was able to ignore the child's hostility and continue to shower her with kindness.
I often look at myself with guilt or shame for every single mistake I have made. It gets worse as I am older looking at my young adult self thinking I should have known better, done better, made different choices. I am not saying that is the case here, just that it is what came up when I read this.
You are doing great reassuring and validating the goodness within you xoxo
It sometimes helps me to be reminded that the guilt and shame are side effects of the abuse. I have yet to meet a survivor who doesn't feel those things so in that regard, your feelings are totally normal.
Thanks Paulinaakk1 -I agree that we put too much pressure on our younger selves. I think you are also echoing what Dooo also said. It's true - when your an adult , its like you falsely expect your younger self to know as much as you do now. That's interesting DW that the 7 year old could so clearly sound like her mother. it is weird. Thanks for the reassurance JR. The guilt and shame are really tuff sometimes - but there is a wiser part that knows that the guilt and shame do not belong on the shoulders of the child. Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this :)