Doing the Best We Can
We are all doing the best we can aren't we??? When someone asks, they don't want to hear the story, they want to hear we are fine...I can say that I am doing the best I can without choking on my own lies.
Soooo many people have abandoned me. I was told it would happen, guess I didn't believe it. I am so lonely.
I noticed my husband has replaced the handguns in his side table from wherever they were hidden. It's safe, I wouldn't do that to myself. Unlike my child, I don't have the nerve.
Looking back at the most difficult times in her life...I no longer ask why??? but why not??? She held in there so much longer than most of us would have. Certainly longer than I would have. I admire her for that, her bravery. Deciding each day to give life ONE MORE CHANCE, and avoid breaking our hearts.
I read an article, something about people who had decided to commit suicide but a strangers kind gesture changed their minds. What if a stranger had shown my child some kindness that morning, a smile, a wave, I don't know, anything to snap her out of that state of mind. It might have put off the inevitable...talking now, in whispers, we feel she knew it was going to happen, just didn't know when...I hoped to get her thru one day at a time till she got some age, some maturity on her.
I can't sit still anymore. Anybody know what I mean??? I am not comfortable in my own skin. I just take meds to sleep and sleep, it's my only escape.
I don't come here enough. My days are long and emotionally draining...most days I coast in on fumes and pass at on the couch...before 6pm. Then back up at 5am. I get a lot of sleep but I am always tired. Anyway, I haven't been participating very much sisters. Please forgive me and give me your soft words of comfort and understanding.
Soooo many people have abandoned me. I was told it would happen, guess I didn't believe it. I am so lonely.
I noticed my husband has replaced the handguns in his side table from wherever they were hidden. It's safe, I wouldn't do that to myself. Unlike my child, I don't have the nerve.
Looking back at the most difficult times in her life...I no longer ask why??? but why not??? She held in there so much longer than most of us would have. Certainly longer than I would have. I admire her for that, her bravery. Deciding each day to give life ONE MORE CHANCE, and avoid breaking our hearts.
I read an article, something about people who had decided to commit suicide but a strangers kind gesture changed their minds. What if a stranger had shown my child some kindness that morning, a smile, a wave, I don't know, anything to snap her out of that state of mind. It might have put off the inevitable...talking now, in whispers, we feel she knew it was going to happen, just didn't know when...I hoped to get her thru one day at a time till she got some age, some maturity on her.
I can't sit still anymore. Anybody know what I mean??? I am not comfortable in my own skin. I just take meds to sleep and sleep, it's my only escape.
I don't come here enough. My days are long and emotionally draining...most days I coast in on fumes and pass at on the couch...before 6pm. Then back up at 5am. I get a lot of sleep but I am always tired. Anyway, I haven't been participating very much sisters. Please forgive me and give me your soft words of comfort and understanding.
Replies
I had a fairly lengthy response for you but it disappeared in to cyberspace!
I am so sorry you are struggling. Grieving, with an emotionally draining job can suck the energy out of you.
Cassi was a courageous girl to try as hard as she did. I am sure she didn\'t want to hurt you. I think she and Lisa are comparing notes. When Lisa was in her late teens, I was afraid she was going to take her own life. I am so blessed that she decided to stay for a few more years. But she did struggle every day with depression.
I am relieved that you are not intending to follow Cassi. I am looking forward to a real Florida hug in October!
Please remember to take care of yourself.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
WE care about you, Gina. When I think about how you\'re feeling these days, I have to tell you that I feel pretty much the same way.
Maybe we\'re tired because of mental fatigue. Or maybe it\'s even considered PTSD.
Anyway, I look at my life & envy the way it was \'before\'.
I had ONE old friend call & text me yesterday. She\'s Charlie\'s best friend\'s Mom. She was so sweet & didn\'t say anything that would hurt. Oh, my sister called too...if that counts?
I was wondering if you\'ve ever gone to a Compassionate Friends meeting? I\'ve made close & amazing friends there & we get together often.
Take care of yourself. I think we\'re ALL probably trying to do the best we can.
Love,
Donna
I get caught up in many scenarios regarding my son\'s death. What if I would have called him that night, what if a friend would have been with him, what if I would have spent more time at his apartment, what if, what if....He overdosed on drugs and I\'m constantly thinking about the what if\'s. I know that my Ralph had issues with drugs, and I wish that I could have seen how bad it had become. He escalated so fast and furious. Now, I have to be without him. I\'m so empathetic for you dealing with a child who took her own life. She must have been in so much pain internally that no one could have taken away. I feel the same way about my Ralph. I know he was in pain too! My love and hugs go out to you,
Chris
Gina. For YEARS I feared that Jason would choose to end the neverending pain he seemed to be faced with. He was so often hurt by people in so many ways and always tried to do the right thing but for the last 3 years of his life he was even verbal (to me) about ending his life. Therefore, so much of my energy was constantly trying to support him and I believe I had myself convinced that I was strong enough to see him through till he found some happiness in life. He did not die by his own hand yet he died.
The emotional turmoil of just breathing let alone attempting to function in the state of grief you find yourself in is absolutely exhausting. There were, during my first two years days and weeks when literally eating or remembering ANYTHING would be too much for one day.
I am now 2+ years along this journey. I am forever changed and simply a shell of who I was yet I now am able to accomplish so much more than those first two years.
I hope you come here more often. I hope you know that there are many of us who have been exactly where you are and had the same thoughts. I told my grief counsellor that if I did choose to end my pain she would only find out by reading my obituary. And I was dead serious. But, I didn\'t have the guts? courage? I\'m not sure.
I am sure Cassie was not thinking of the long term pain her passing would cause others. If she was anything like Jason, when he was in such a state of pain his pain was all he could see or feel.
Take care of you. If you need to sleep, sleep. If anti-depressants lessen the pain for you then for now, do what you need to do. I promise things will change.
And remember to breathe...
Gentlest of hugs,
Merrilee
Grief is hard work!! It is physically and mentally exhausting. Wish i had some wonderful advice for you, but we just have to continue, putting one foot in front of the other & breathe...
(((HUGS)))...Julia
Understand completely...we each do what we have to in order to make it through the day. Hug, Ann
I am only 5 months along this journey, so I probably shouldn\'t be trying to offer advice. But I just do whatever helps me survive another day. If you need more sleep or the antidepressants help, do it. I also understand the not being able to sit still. I wander all over the house in circles. My girls ask what I\'m looking for. I hope you can find some moments of peace soon. Love and tight hugs, Paula
The first couple of years, I had to get out of the house. I went to a community gym, daily. My body looked a lot better, but really, it was a compulsion. Five days a week. Gym and classes, yoga, Pilates, and some I can\'t remember to name.
This year, the fifth, I\'ve been staying home a lot. One\'s rhythmns are mysterious. I\'m on a new pain killer, Lyrica, and it makes me very lazy. Sleep is crucial to our well being. Do see a sleep dr. to test if you\'re getting the deep levels of sleep. WE have to live. People expect us to, and need us to.
See a therapist, I\'m back again for a tune-up. Grief has ruined my people skills, but I can still speak to her. I hope you come here more often, we need help and love to give help. Gentle, my friend, Abby
All of the above is just what we need to survive. Hoping some vibes of peace are with you this week. Be good to yourself. Hugs, Kathy
Sometimes, it is the \"what ifs\" that keep us bound. What now, is my new mantra. You have been courageous for so long. It is sad that people scatter like the wind, but think of them as chaff...God blew away the chaff. The new people that come in will be by choice and filtered by Him. Every step you take is a chance to make this world a more beautiful place for some other floundering soul when you are ready. You have what no one else can offer to some one lost. You have opportunity to help the hurting because you understand the need. ..much love, Lauri
I believe all of us here had that thought, what if, at some time or another and it is very normal to think. I know I have been down this road with what if I did not move here? Would Jesse and Justin be alive? one was murdered and the other an accidental adverse drug reaction, and I don\'t think it matters why or how they passed anymore. There comes a time that I know I wondered myself what if? Peace to you today my friend, take gentle care...XOX, Debbie
This \"ride\" we are on is a long hard journey. Sometimes you can barely function and others you feel like you are running like your hair is on fire just to try to escape the new reality. In the beginning I was convinced that I was for sure losing my mind. Even though I truly hate that there are so many other Moms who are experiencing this same thing, it saved me to know that I was not alone. Sometimes I would even get angry when I would read someone\'s journal that sounded like they were actually doing okay. I didn\'t understand how that would ever be possible...but it does happen. The 8th anniversary of my son\'s passing is fast approaching and I still miss him with all that I am. I still have times that the sorrow and tears bring me to my knees just out of nowhere, but there are also the peaceful times when I am just sitting and a memory floods over me and I can feel him with me and I am able to smile and relax and bask in that moment of happiness. Sending you love, hugs and prayers for peace and comfort...Lynn
Know that you are not alone. We walk this journey together. Currently I am struggling my way back up but I do what I have to to function, and know eventually better days are coming. Hang in there. Sue xo
Your broken heart is so understood here Gina. Wishing you bits of peace everyday to help get you through till the next day. You are cared about & loved sweet sister of the heart.
Hugs.....Vicki
Oh Gina - yep, yep , yep...I was told the first year is the hardest. That is totally NOT TRUE - Jennifer has been off this earth for a year and a half and it\'s harder!! I hate this life - I want my old life back - It\'s a lonely road, people slowly but surely walk away because they just don\'t get it and for that matter, don\'t want to. Who would?
You came to this group right after I did - I love it when you show up - I hear your heart and I so know how hard it is to survive when you don\'t want to.
((((hugs)))) Vicki