Dissociation
I should probably write about this a bit. Dissociation. Everyone dissociates to some extent so because everyone can relate to it, it never clicked that it might be a symptom. Apparently I dissociate a lot, and very easily. I'm doing it right now while I write this, just getting absorbed in thought and tuning everything else out. I looked into dissociation a few days ago and triggered a full on dissociative episode. Everything made sense, I could see how so many of my problems connected to it, and then the reality of it just started to fade. It was a strange feeling, like I was being pulled away from the realization. It was the same feeling that I've mentioned before: Everything is fine and none of this is real. Only much more intense this time. It always feels a little aggressive, but I couldn't control this one enough to just push past it. I sent my psychiatrist an email about it because I knew I needed to. Writing that email felt like I was writing fiction. The only other time I can think of where it was that intense was when I was looking into ADHD a year or so ago. They have a lot of symptoms in common, hence the misdiagnosis, and something about those symptoms causes me to instinctively pull away. My theory is that it's because of the huge impact those particular symptoms have had on my life. It's a lot of information to process and I've been trying to process it more slowly since that experience. It's not usually that intense. Usually I just zone out. I probably spend more time zoned out than otherwise to be honest, and I can see that now. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday to do a full evaluation so I can put a name to this. I've been doing a lot of research myself though, and I'm definitely somewhere in cluster A. My money is on schizoid personality disorder.
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I’ve heard dissociation is the mind trying to protect us. Not that safe when I dissociate half way through shopping or cooking, or driving along with the more usual triggers. Abuse can leave you sensitive to the most mundane situations.
It’s great to do your own research Matt but not so good to self diagnose. That’s a rabbit hole I try to avoid.
If you get a diagnosis the doc will probably appreciate you educating yourself. Good luck.
My aim in doing my own research has really just been to figure out how to put all of this into words. I've pretty much had to learn a whole new language just to be able to describe most of this. It's helped me identify symptoms that I wouldn't have considered unusual because it's just been how my mind works for so long. I agree it's something to avoid in the long run, but I don't think I would be where I am if I didn't let myself get a little obsessed with it. I've learned enough to know psychology is a huge mess, though, and best left to professionals.
The sense that you are sharing is an unusual one to recognize, and it's a special skill to be able to identify the way it is experienced.
In learning how you are working with your senses, you're giving yourself a balance that is natural and unique to your well-being.
Excellent work in writing it out. Here's to finding a way that gives you peace of mind and peace of balance naturally.
Just figured I'd post a quick update here. My appointment with my psychologist is later today, but I've been a lot more aware of my emotions since writing this and I'm less certain about a cluster A disorder. Now I'm thinking borderline personality disorder. I've looked into it before and I scored pretty high on a screening, but the descriptions of people with BPD I read didn't fit at all. Apparently there's something called quiet BPD and that describes me a lot better, especially now that I can see the emotions behind a lot of my problems more clearly. Apparently there are also a lot of diagnostic similarities between BPD and schizophrenia spectrum disorders, so it makes sense that I would see a lot of myself in cluster A disorders. Schizoid and borderline do have a common cause in learning that people aren't reliable from a young age. It seems that the difference is in how you deal with that feeling, either rejecting attachments or clinging to them. Quiet borderline reads to me as a sort of combination of the two. Forming few attachments but clinging to the ones you have. That combination feels closer to me than either one individually. Whatever the case, I have more to talk about with my psychiatrist.