Discouraged

The night sky is black velvet, clusters of stars sparkle like diamonds against this backdrop.  Its 4am and as I gaze up at the stars i feel a familiar sense of wonder.  But the stars are not providing the answers I need.
my leg is really hurting. Its unusual because the swelling in my abs has gone down.  The mons pubis is slightly sore but not really swollen.  So its just the leg. this is not feeling like referred pain, the leg is mildly swollen and the pain is insistent.
i'm tired of this broken body. It defies logic. I'm struggling to find a systematic approach to managing its foibles.  And really, more than anything else i just want to get on with my life.  
I started the year determined to simply rest.  To deal with life with cfs and just live the best life i can, no drama, no treatments, just surviving. I am mentally and physically exhausted.  Doesnt matter how often I say it .. I still have to do what i have to do to hold the strands of my life together.
Financially i have been really stressed.  Part of it was planned, i knew i was making a decision that would make things tight for a while.  Then i inadvertently went over budget which had me anxious, hanging on by the fingernails.  Then i've been bombarded by these unexpected expenses, as soon as i clear one, another hits .. What the?!?  I'm reeling ..  Just yesterday i was at the bank, i had found a way to ease the burden a bit..but i could not complete the transaction, when they asked for id my drivers license could not be found.  Still havent found it. REALLY!! Do i have my own personal detail of gremlims hellbent on making my life miserable?  Its taken me months to figure out this option and i am this close to easing my stress load .. Now its surgery on top of everything else?
I am TIRED!  I want to REST!  Lord are you hearing me?  I NEED A BREAK!!
 

Replies

MaxPB
MaxPB

Ps: truth is i dont want to do surgery. Any surgery. I want to bury my head in the sand and JUST BE QUIET whatever happens, happens. I cant imagine dealing with any type of physical setback right now. I just dont have the energy.
PilotRock
PilotRock

Have you been tested to see what is causing the pain and swelling in your leg?

After being an army wife for so many years, I\'m psychotic about keeping up with my driver\'s license, military id, papers on the car, etc. A few months ago, I didn\'t have my military id when I arrived at the check-in desk at my military pcp. No id means no doctor and no medication -- you have to have your id for EVERYTHING on a military post. I knew I had showed my id to the guard to get onto post at the main gate, so I backtracked my steps. I had dropped the id when I was walking across the parking lot to the hospital! whew!!!
I wish you the same luck and success in finding your license!
DarlaC
DarlaC

I do know where you stand here, Max. Seems like the harder we try, the more difficult the challenges become. I understand you not wanting surgery. Our bodies are so ridiculously out of whack that our recovery time is long, and it\'s just a big hot mess trying to get better!!

Financially, I can relate as well. Being on SSD is no thrill ride. It ain\'t big bucks. My husband and I are both disabled, but we know how to stick to a budget. We refinanced the house last year! That saved us three hundred fifty bucks a month! It\'s the little things, right?

One day at a time, Max. We promise ourselves that we will rest and pace and be good little CFS\'ers, but then.....life keeps coming along and swatting us back down.

Hang in there. Good vent. I wouldn\'t want any surgery either, and every little thing that happens when you\'re hurting makes it harder to keep our wits about us!

Gentle hugs! xoxo
Serce
Serce

it\'s been a lot on you Max..............i hope you were able to finally get some rest.......thinking of you and praying for your care and well being , this is a good vent.........you\'re a good woman and somehow someway you will figure out what to do next......i believe in you. hugs.