DISAPPOINTMENT
Sometimes I think that I just believe which I want to believe. My life now has changed so much. Jackie is gone, 34 years of marriage is gone. I live with my sister, I'm on Klonopin, Prozac, I see a therapist and a psychiatrist so she can manage my meds.
What I'm getting at is I am finding things out now about Jackie that are disturbing to me. I believed that we were so close that I would know everthing that was going on in her life. For the most part I did. But I find out that there was a lot she was hiding.
She was with me every single day for two and a half years before she completed suicide and looked me straight in the face and promised she would never, ever hurt herself because of me. Was I so nieve. Did I really believe that she loved me enough to never leave me. I did.
Little bits and pieces about my daughter's last months on this earth are coming out. I believe she was at a point where she was in such a deep depression and how could I not see it. Her letter to me and my husband was so normal and rational. Asking us to please forgive her and she couldn't take the pain in her head anymore. And not to tell her niece and nephew what she did. And how much she loved me. How can someone be so normal and then take a gun to their head and kill themselves. She was falling and falling more and more into depression. Why did I not see this. She was saying goodbye to people in her own way.
I went to her friend Alex to get a tattoo. He did all Jackie's tattoos. In conversation He told me that they would talk and it would upset him because she knew she didn't have long to live. I didn't want to pursue this. But I have heard a lot of different things now. How she lied and told people she had an anyurism in her head. I'm so upset. The therapist tells me that once someone resolves themselves to suicide there is no return. She was on too many drugs and she took a lot of pain killers. I know that had to have something to do with the suicide.
I feel confused and angry. I'm angry with her friend for not calling me that night. My sister and my son read her texts with her friend that night and said she sounded like a crazy woman. so why didn't she call me to tell me that Jackie wasn't right. I have to get this out of my mind. She is a young girl and is not right if I put that guilt on her so I never said anything. I really thought I was coping a little better and now this. So many hurdles. If I knew for sure that I would be with Jackie in the afterlife I would put myself to sleep. But how can I be sure. I can't. I don't want to be mad at her. I want her to rest peacefully. I miss her so much. I get that unbearable pain that makes me physically ill and I can't catch my breath. All of a sudden after talking to alex its like an awakening. She really, really planned this for a while and I knew nothing.
What I'm getting at is I am finding things out now about Jackie that are disturbing to me. I believed that we were so close that I would know everthing that was going on in her life. For the most part I did. But I find out that there was a lot she was hiding.
She was with me every single day for two and a half years before she completed suicide and looked me straight in the face and promised she would never, ever hurt herself because of me. Was I so nieve. Did I really believe that she loved me enough to never leave me. I did.
Little bits and pieces about my daughter's last months on this earth are coming out. I believe she was at a point where she was in such a deep depression and how could I not see it. Her letter to me and my husband was so normal and rational. Asking us to please forgive her and she couldn't take the pain in her head anymore. And not to tell her niece and nephew what she did. And how much she loved me. How can someone be so normal and then take a gun to their head and kill themselves. She was falling and falling more and more into depression. Why did I not see this. She was saying goodbye to people in her own way.
I went to her friend Alex to get a tattoo. He did all Jackie's tattoos. In conversation He told me that they would talk and it would upset him because she knew she didn't have long to live. I didn't want to pursue this. But I have heard a lot of different things now. How she lied and told people she had an anyurism in her head. I'm so upset. The therapist tells me that once someone resolves themselves to suicide there is no return. She was on too many drugs and she took a lot of pain killers. I know that had to have something to do with the suicide.
I feel confused and angry. I'm angry with her friend for not calling me that night. My sister and my son read her texts with her friend that night and said she sounded like a crazy woman. so why didn't she call me to tell me that Jackie wasn't right. I have to get this out of my mind. She is a young girl and is not right if I put that guilt on her so I never said anything. I really thought I was coping a little better and now this. So many hurdles. If I knew for sure that I would be with Jackie in the afterlife I would put myself to sleep. But how can I be sure. I can't. I don't want to be mad at her. I want her to rest peacefully. I miss her so much. I get that unbearable pain that makes me physically ill and I can't catch my breath. All of a sudden after talking to alex its like an awakening. She really, really planned this for a while and I knew nothing.
Replies
Please do not make blames...yourself. or Jackie...
what happened happened.. You love Jackie,,Jackie loved you,,,keep her in your heart as a sweet memory,I try too...you are loved here,, you are not alone,,,many of us share the same type of heartache,,,that horrid \"s\" word...peace to your troubled heart,,,,
Yes Nora is right. I think most of us blame ourselves because we have to blame someone and we want to feel guilty of not seeing the signs or symptoms. I still kick myself for not recognizing Melissa\'s aneurysm symptoms as she got worse. They mimicked her ulcerative colitis symptoms, vomitting, diarrhea, headache. I know I was just a layman and the stupid nurse should have picked up on them. He even mentioned that she was slurring and did nothing about it!!! I never thought it was an aneurysm I used to dwell on it but I realized that it really didn\'t help because it couldn\'t bring her back to me. Tight hugs, Connie
Dear friend: I could have written this journal. Do you not realize that suicide is not an act of anger, a denial of love, it is the last act of desperation in the midst of a mind that is failing, going into disease. I\'m a little ahead of you on this horror road. I\'ve been in your shoes, it\'s NORMAL what you\'re feeling. Awful, but NORMAL. We are allowed to be angry at our daughters, but then the anger changes. It is the mind\'s way of protecting us as the depth of loss and grief begin to be made sense of. I lived with my daughter; I cared for her 24/7. Her illness made ME sick, I was on the verge of a breakdown AND I DID NOT KNOW IT. This gave me a small glimpse into HER horror, unable to acknowledge it as sickness, unable to reach out for help, because when the mind is that ill, that\'s what happens. My daughter also LOOKED ME IN THE EYE and PROMISED me she would tell me if \"anything was wrong\". The next day I caught her halfway through a bottle of thirty 1 MG Klonipin. She, too, took her precious self, which I would have sacrificed my life for in a heartbeat, and put a gun to her head. Someone was once callous enough to say it was an \"angry act\"...how stupid, how thoughtless, some people are. Angry? No. Extremely mentally ill? Yes. Desperate and sick and unaware because when you get to that point you don\'t know you\'re desperate and sick? YES.
Our daughters were adults. It\'s hard to remember that because to us they are our babies. They had \"secrets\", all young adults have these (I remember having plenty of them). Unfortunately, their ultimate \"secret\" was the torment even they couldn\'t understand or truly acknowledge. I once said to my daughter, after her fourth hospitalization, \"Please! No more cops, no more ambulances, I don\'t know if I can survive this\" and her answer was, \"That will never happen again.\"
You\'ll get through this phase. It\'s ugly, it\'s a struggle. I, too, have often thought I want my life to come to an end but my lifelong experience with God (whom I KNOW exists, it isn\'t just blind faith) prevents me. Our children were sick, they went to Him. We are not. We might not. We cannot. It is forbidden us. \"Condemned to live\"....but life still has its beauty, despite our internal horror. You will see this begin to resolve over the next months and you will get to a new place. But no matter how much time passes, no matter how well we deal with our horrible reality, no matter even if we find joy again, there is a place at our side that is always empty. Until that day, and it will come, when we are reunited with our beloved daughters. May God bless you, may He make His face shine upon you, and give you peace.
Jill
Thank you, when I read the responses I get I know that I am not alone, this site is my salvation. I need to hear that I shouldn\'t blame myself, I need to hear that I did the best I could as a mother, I need to hear that Jackie loved me, and all this I do know. But I need to hear it anyway. I know now that my daughter must have been very distrubed at the end. There was no such thought in her head of me at the end, I know this. My precious child, what went wrong. I guess this is just another hurdle that has come that I have to get through. I wish I could just close my mind. If I\'m not busy doing something all I think about is Jackie. I was good for a while. I guess this will be my life now. Good days and bad days until i\'m reunited with my baby girl. Thanks again, Gail
OH Gail your Jackie sounds so much like my Jason did. He kept saying to people he was going to die from the sarcoidosis he had though the doctors thought he was getting over it. He was on steroids and sleeping pills and was so very depressed. My husband stopped him from shooting himself and he was taken to the hospital in handcuffs -- yet after only 6 hours he was let go -- he came home and then shot himself. We thought he would be safe in the hospital, we never thought they would let him go so soon. My point is, your doctor is right -- if someone has their mind set there is nothing that can be done -- perhaps postponed -- but in our case not even that.
I have no words of comfort, but for me the turning point was right around the one year mark. I can honestly say that now at 15 months I\'m out of the deep depression though I occasionally have some rough moments. I\'m sure the medication I\'m on has a lot to do with it, but I\'m OK with that, I couldn\'t stand being so depressed and so much anxiety any more. I wish you peace Gail. I really believe we are not just the physical body we dwell in and that our souls continue and we do continue with our loved ones. You will be with Jackie again and I will be with Jason -- it will happen -- but for now we need to be here for our families.
It will be 14 months for me on July 10th,. I was doing a little better. The therapist asked me to compare last year at this time with this year and yes, there is a difference, I laugh, and I don\'t obsess like I did. Thank you Terri, you do comfort me. As everyone else on this site, the good days are ok but the bad ones are bad. I guess I am learning as I live day to day to cope a little better. Now, I truely believe that something did go wrong with her mind. I didn\'t want to believe that at first because it made me feel such a failure as a mother. I know I did all I could to help her. And, yes the meds I am on do help, and I will stay on them as long as I need them. Whatever it takes. The grieving process is so very tireing. I am so tired of crying all the time and if i\'m not busy, I just go over that night. I pray we will both find peace and I hope and pray that I will be with Jackie when my time comes. you are right, our families need us. And more importanty we need them. I\'m so happy to hear that you are out of the deep depression, I believe I am getting there. Much Love and Peace Gail
You are healing even on those days you doubt that you possibly could be. Oh, those last days, nights... all of that must be poked around in for a time and each of us gets to choose how long we are in those \"boxes\" before they need to be put back on the \"shelf.\"
You are doing your best and did your best and as parents I believe we would like to think that we have power that we simply don\'t have. Our children made their choices and it is so challenging to not take them on as our own.
Hoping that today is a gentle one and to be able to compare where you were in the beginning to where you find yourself too is a healthy reminder that you are healing. No one is meant to stay in acute grief for a lifetime of that I am certain.
So glad that you journaled to am with you walking this path.
Love and understanding hugs.
Joanie
I agree with Joanie. We continue to heal even when confusion and few steps back occur. We keep getting right back up. I\'m certainly not an authority on suicide but I had a brother and a boyfriend each take their lives. What I have learned is that once that decision is made the person is usually at peace with that decision. Perhaps that is why the letter sounded normal and rational. Another think I have learned is that the victims are the survivors and that is the difficult part of it all....wondering what we could have done differently. Perhaps you could have done something but there is always a tomorrow and another circumstance and how could you have done something everytime. Just know you did what you thought best at the time. Sending you love and support. Robin
I know that everything that you all say is the truth. I know this. But how long does it take to believe it. My child, my daughter, my life, is gone. I know i\'m doing better than last year at this time. I know that I did my best. I know that she loved me. I want to go on and be happy. My step granddaughter is having a baby and I\'ll be a great grandma and my niece got engaged the other day. Two wonderful occasions. But Jackie and my niece Melissa were very close and all I can think about is that Jackie\'s going to miss all these wonderful moments in our lives. Melissa won\'t even go to the cemetary and was crying the other day because Jackie isn\'t here to share this with her. Will these happy occasions always bring this sadness. I guess I just can\'t accept or understand yet that deperation, sadness and hopelessness that she was feeling AND HIDING IT from me. Was I that stupid to not realize that she was sick in her mind also. I\'m tired of trying to understand. I just push myself to be busy all the time so I don\'t obsess about what she did. Thanks you all for being so wonderful and giving me hope for the future. Love you all, Gail
Hello Gail, My son didn\'t die by suicide but I blamed myself for not knowing Ed had a heart anamoly. I think as moms we feel we are here to protect our kids no matter how old they are and if they have passed somehow its our fault...but its not. We loved our kids and they loved us and life surely dealt us a cruel blow. I have heard from my work in the mental health field that once a person makes up their mind to pass by suicide they may be calmer and more rational than before the decision was made. And I have also heard it said, \"Another day another way.\" Try not to even understand. I gave up trying to make sense of my loss and it helped because it will never make sense to me. Just love Jackie as you do every day and always did. Tight hugs and much love, Linda