Digging in
I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with my boyfriend knowing that sooner or later I need to figure out what I want to do. We almost never sleep in the same bed. It always makes me think about my grandparents on my father's side. They had separate bedrooms and growing up I would ask why and would never get an answer. Now that I am older and think back, I think they pretty much hated each other. Which has always led me to the question: why stay?
Tonight he stayed in the bay area so while I had the house all to myself I thought back to when we lived apart for 6 months and I was by myself in the apartment. I think I finally know the answer to that question now. I think partially that they came from a generation where you just stayed together no matter what. I think the biggest motivator though, was fear. I think they had been together so long that they just couldn't face being alone, so they stayed.
On days when I feel strong, I think, I don't want to live that way. i would just rather be alone for the rest of my life than live our lives the way we are. The drinking, the sleeping in separate rooms, the way he keeps us in debt as fast as I can dig us out.
At times when I don't feel that strong though I hear myself internally saying it's not that bad, we can live separate lives and still stay together. At my age there is no guarantee I would ever meet anyone else that could put up with my flaws anyway. I jokingly tell myself that I just have a live in cook/handyman/gardner. Is that enough? As messed up as I am there is not much chance I will ever be happy anyway. As we get on each other's nerves though, I can see the vision in my head, where we reach that point my grandparents were at and end up hating each other.
I know this is supposed to be a decision between two people. I thought we made that decision together 3 years ago. The thing is none of those promises got kept and we are right back to where we were back then except for one thing.
I know it is not reasonable to expect someone to change for another person. I know that if you don't change for yourself, because it's something YOU want, that it will never stick. I don't believe he really wants to change, he just didn't want me to go. I cannot expect him to change if that is not what he wants. The question then becomes: can you live with these things the way they are for the rest of your life? I keep trying to weigh it. I will keep trying but I don't have high expectations. If he said things would change I don't think I have enough faith in what he says anymore to believe it anyway.
i'm lonely either way. If I try to talk to him about it he will make an effort for a short time to put out some affection. I don't want him throwing me a random hug and a kiss because he feels it is expected of him. I want him to actually WANT to. So I don't say anything anymore. He has to be who he is.
and I'm still lonely either way.
Replies
I am happy now. After 17 yrs like you seem to be having. Yes, i'm alone. But I like it. Once I got rid of the albatross around my neck I have charged ahead. You get one life. Is near enough good enough? While you live this life you forego any other. It's not a neutral choice.
How long have things been like this? What does he think of the situation? What does he want out of life?
Fill your life up with what makes you happy. If he follows along and wants to be a part of that, all the better, Let him find his own way to your happiness -- until he does, focus on having the best life for you that is possible. You are talented, bright and full of possibilities -- that will take you to where you need to be.
Hon, I have 3 words for you. Do Not Settle. It's not fair to yourself or him to keep up the charade, just because it is comfortable, and you BOTH don't want to be alone. I made that mistake once. My first marriage. Now, it wasn't a mistake, as I wouldn't have my 9 year old son now, but something just wasn't right from the beginning, and I knew it deep down. But, one tragedy later, and the foundation we built 9 years (we divorced in 2010), crumbled. I, couldn't bear to be alone. I had always been that way. I no longer felt "the thing." You know, the in love, can't keep your hands off each other, butterflies feeling? But, I summed it up to well, people fall out of love, and it isn't easy. You just keep trudging forward. I did. But, I made some monumental mistakes and I left. It wasn't easy.
For 2 years I struggled being alone, just me, but I was felt feeling alone, and more isolated than ever. There were days I wouldn't get out of bed. I call it the dark days. The only thing that got me through was my son.
I slowly realized I would be ok. Just me. I wouldn't die alone (my irrational thoughts), and I would share a life with someone that would be WORTHY of me and my child. So I took a leap of faith. I stopped looking.
When I wasn't looking, the love of my life came along. I had known him for 23 years! He was under my nose the entire time, even though we hadn't talked in all that time. I instantly knew. I STILL DO. 4 years later, I feel "the thing." I have butterflies when he comes home from his job (he's a police officer), and I have never felt like this before.
It is a happy mix of making each other feel valuable, loved, sexy, all that. We have been married now almost a year.
I am sorry this is so long, but being able to be alone is DIFFICULT. Knowing that you don't HAVE to have a man in your life. You are valuable, and you can do it.
You got this!
That was really great feedback from all of you and gave me much to consider. I love and appreciate all your support.