Deserving
I met with an uncle today who is very much into geneology. He reminded me of my families heritage; that they are from a region in Europe that not only suffered thru WWII, but also a famine, and a civil war. My generation is the first to not worry about starving or being shot by miltants. For a moment - I wondered if I had a right to complain about anything,let alone be angry at parents who suffered as much as they did. They were in life threatening situations that led them to be narcissistic, and my brother and I suffered because of that narcissism. My grandmother was fond of calling my cousins and I spoiled because my family, in general (at least for a period of time), had money. I had a mother and a father that worked hard and if I complained it was because I was spoiled and entitled and in need of attention. I thought of trauma - that in the moment of trauma - we are all equals. It is ridiculous to compare one persons trauma as being easier or worse than anothers and It would not be right to tell my inner child that they didn't suffer AS MUCH. And although they did this for their own personal gain, my parents made sure I was in ice-skating, and gymnastics, and piano and lived in a safe neighborhood (not including my own home) and received a good eduation. I do have so much to be greatful for. Do I ? I don't remember almost all of 6th grade. But still, I am somehow in a position to move towards health. I sometimes think my parents, and my brother passed some line where they cannot move towards health. They will never be well. I sometimes don't know how to reconcile this in my head.
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Our families are very much alike. My mother was born in 1946. Her youngest sister was 11yrs older than her. Their entire family went through the depression and then WW2 in Germany and defected to Holland . My mom was the first of her family to have 'things' as a teen and her siblings were very jealous. My mom and dad treated me the same way. Dad was narcissistic and also grew up just after the depression being born in 1942 but they were still very poor . He made sure everything was there for us to be warm and well fed and so that we were successful in sports but mentally we were abused. I also was scorned if I spoke up for myself and he would say I was selfish.
No one can tell us how much we have suffered, no one. Two people can go through the same exact trauma and it causes suffering in different ways or at different levels for each. I think our generation has brought about the emotional side of abuse to the public eye more so than any and I do think we are a generation moving towards better overall health . Hugs
I was clothed and fed too. Dad was born in 1926, mum 1932. He was a para in the army and was at the Nuremberg trials. I think that scarred him for life.
Trauma is trauma, regardless of the magnitude. We get into heavy waters when comparing ourselves, in any way. Its an affliction many of us engage in at some point of time I think. Its good to be reminded it's totally unfair to say the least.
I agree with Doo that in my parent's generation things were not discussed and my generation are thankfully moving forward to recognition, acceptance (that such trauma occurs) and being more in the public eye. I hope that can not just help us on an individual level, but a societal one too
My whole family are like your parents, and brother. Some people are just so mired in denial. It is hard to reconcile. I am taking solace that I am different to them too. We have to congratulate ourselves on that, as it takes much strength to retreat from such family norms.
I hope you can work through your healing in a kind and gentle way. Strength, perseverance and tenacity are much to be admired
(((hugs))) x
As my therapist says "There is always one person in a family who has the strength to move beyond and heal" and while that person is healing it reverberates out to all others. We are all energy and we are all connected so your healing will heal all. My healing has had a positive effect on my brother and my mother to some degree too. They are moving forward as much as they can.
I found when healing I could not accept that my parents had more difficult lives than me...they had different lives. And as their child I was angry at the way they treated me. My anger was justified and needed to be expressed, released and healed. It was only once I released all that anger that I could accept that they treated me the way they did because they had issues of their own. But it still does not make it right. As my therapist says "They did the best they could with what they had. They kept you clothed, fed, housed and you got an education. That was the best they could do." And I get that now but I think it would have been unfair to my inner children to force them to believe this without allowing them to be angry first. They had a right to be angry because they were treated poorly. If I went on to treat my own child poorly would that child not be allowed to be angry because my childhood was worse than theirs? I don't think so. Your parents may have had a tough childhood but that does not give them the right to spew their anger at everyone they meet and certainly not at their children. Having a bad childhood does not give us permission (or justify us) to abuse others.
Your inner children were treated abusively and they should be angry about that. They should have been treated with love, compassion and at the very least respect. You are doing a great job of showing them that they deserved to be loved and are doing a great job loving them. You show up for them every time you do a meditation and that means the world to any child. Please don't let your parents harsh childhood minimize your own harsh childhood. You deserve better than that.
I'm sorry to be late at responding to this post. thank you Doo - you are right. no one can tell me how much I suffered. I cannot know my parents suffering unless they express it - which they do not. Thank you RubyBlue - trauma is trauma - and it is unfortunate the generation before us could not express but instead denied. It certainly does not imply that we should not express or deny. Thank you LuckyEmpath - I loved your comments on how one persons healing can have affects all around. That healing is positive energy that emanates. I love that - and will incorporate it into my meditation. You are absolutely right - there is no way of healing without the anger first. I just mediated on this very subject . I believe also that to get thru to the pain - you must move thru the anger. The red - hot ball of anger that was created because of the injustice. injustice -carried over the generations thru silent energy waves. You right - it's time to change the frequency of those energy waves. You may even say that if you have the ability to heal - it is your duty to do just that. Thank you all so much - much love and positive thoughts.