dental mentals
last week i bit the bullet and had the last of my teeth pulled and started wearing an upper denture. i am now, officially, a toothless, old hag and the owner of teeth fit for hollywood. the hollywood smile remains a works in progress. girl howdy, it hurts to smile. it hurts even more to talk.
the physics of speech are radically different with a mouth full of plastic. the challenge of being understood has me reliving the speech therapy which helped me make that adolescant leap from stutterer to mutterer. i think. maybe. memories from that period in the mid 60's where i made the academic transition from "retarded" to "gifted" remain shrouded in amnesiac repression. it is getting easier to let those memories flow, but they remain chaotically mixed with the family drama, far flung trauma and childish perspectives. i mistrust the accuracy of what i am remembering. the pieces i am fishing for in these flashbacks are 1) pain management and 2) speech therapy. accuracy is irrelevant to both fishing expeditions. pain, coping and healing donae are all moving targets which donae measure well enough for accuracy.
is it good news that the lower denture i have yet to find a comfort zone for makes more sense with the matching upper denture? it is still miserable, but at least the misery is balanced by its upper counterpart. i acquired the lower denture in 2012, along with two mini-implants to stabilize that continual lower jaw motion which makes lower dentures such a misery. the system worked for a while, but somewhere along my river wanders, the implants loosened and became downright scary. by the old man's funeral in 2016, i knew another drawn-out, tedious round in the dental offices was the only fix. as i took flight on the funeral pilgramage for my brother and mother in early 2017, appearances didn't mean too much to me and it was easier to eat without the denture complications. by my son's funeral in october, 2019, i had ceased wearing the lower denture, altogether. those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.
for now, the progress of this transition is on the "not worse" measure. the pain is ever present and ever shifting. all i worry is that it isnae any worse than it was yesterday. steady as she goes through the stormy sees, cap'n.
on the expectations scale, i be way ahead of what i was dreading back in 2016 when i first started procrastinating on taking action. i studied ignorance of the details, but my siblings, etc., needed months to complete the extractions and heal far enough to be fitted for dentures at far younger ages than my current 67 years. last thursday, my last 7 teeth came out in a single visit and the denture was placed immediately after the extraction to serve as a bandaid over the wounds. i returned to the office the following morning so that the dentist could do the first denture removal, himself. so far, so good. i have kept the wounds covered 23 hours a day in the days hence. it still hurts like a father fuck, but it isnae worse.
onward through the fog. . .
today i leave the mood icon squarely on "okay." sometimes life just hurts, but i believe i am holding steady, pain and all.
Replies
Hello Arfie, again it sounds like you are really going through it. I got my dentures years ago (33). I chose to not insert dentures immediately after having teeth extracted and waited 6 weeks for healing. I did not have a lot of pain, in spite of extensive surgery, and was eating grilled cheese sandwiches the next day with a mouthful of stitches. By the end of the first week, the stitches were loose and interfering, so I cut and removed them myself. Got my first set of dentures on June 30 and was eating bbq ribs & corn on the cob for July 4th, I wore that original set of teeth until last year and decided it was past time for a new set. I am not enjoying the new ones. They do not seat as firmly, and I always have at least one sore spot (never the same spot) at the end of the day. It really irks me as the first set was back when medicaid paid for dental, so it only cost me $80 for anesthesia. This set cost nearly $4000. just for the dentures, no surgeries or extractions. Shouldn't they at least fit as well, if not better? There is a numbing mouthwash on the market that is reasonably priced, around $5 bottle. maybe you could give it a try.
((((((Arfie))))))))
Here with you amiga. You for sure have my empathy. I canceled/rescheduled the appointment with the jaw doctor this week, I just couldn’t do it. You’re doing awesome. I’m gonna keep keeping you in my prayers
Gentlest of hugs <3
Sending big hugs Arfie. I know it can be a really big challenge. Our teeth are so important to us. Again sending a big bear hug!
one of the first grade teachers complimented me on the new teeth yesterday. it felt like a kick in those self-same teeth. the pain and awkwardness i have been setting to the side with mindful awareness came rushing, front and center, to well up as tears to blink on. the teacher recognized my reaction and stayed with me until i regained mindfulness.
i sit now in my "cleaning hour." since the extraction 8 days ago, i have been wearing the upper denture 23 hours a day. i have been removing it after the bus leaves in the morning for an hour long cleaning and airing. methinks it is not worse, but? ? ? owie wowie double powie. . .
it is something of a relief to have the uppers back in. the lowers make allot more sense with the matched upper, but the pain and strange of the upper feels like more than enough to handle for now. i have been wearing the lowers, but only enough to familiarize myself with the full metal jacket. methinks i should worry the fine details of the lower denture later. for now, the lower gums are accustomed to work of biting and chewing to their limited capabilities. it feels right to stick with the familiar there while i heal and adapt to the uppers.
itsy bitsy baby steps. . .
That’s a good methodology… one step at a time. I wish you didn’t have to go through this and sending you patience and hugs.
am i ready to switch off the "not worse" measure? am i starting to feel actual improvement?
maybe. . .
when in doubt, do nothing. think i'll stick with the expectation that today's aches and pains will be as bad as yesterday's, but they are not worse.
the 'not worse' measure is behind me and i might be ready to declare myself over the hump of the learning curve that comes with new prosthetics.
i have another post-op checkup the week after next which i am giving serious thought to cancelling. i believe i am healing well and have no obvious need of masked assurances. i still don't know what these people (assUMing they are human) look like and amnae much reassured by any mask muffle. i canae ever be certain i a hearing right, even without the mask. i already paid for the checkup in the out-of-pocket deal but am willing to pay another $30 to avoid looking at more masks or straining to hear through the mask muffle.
i figure i don't have to decide until next week in order to cancel with a courteous lead time. human, or not, even maskites deserve courtesy. i feel better about myself when i treat all creatures with civil decency.
(((((Arfie))))))
I picked this journal because I was trying to find one that started before April & looked like you added to it to see if it comes up on your feed, so I hope you get this.
I’m so glad you are getting over the hump, itsy bitsy baby steps. You would like my jaw doctor because he prefers if the patient & him doesn’t wear a mask because he said he’s a jaw doctor so he needs to see how you move your jaw when you talk & stuff. Now if I could only stop running away from him & rescheduling (which is really me running away from myself & the memories of the jaw traumas ect.) Geez, sorry I did not mean for this experiment of me adding on to your journal to become me talking about my some a my issues as well :o
Big hugs <3 <3 <3
and what the deuce is this? around 3 or 4 weeks ago, my chin began erupting in ? ? ? boils and bubbles? ? ? my psycho senses say that the inside of my mouth is shifting to better accommodate the lower denture. the breakout line on my chin has matched the lower edge of the denture for the entire episode. the previous breakout lines on my skin remain raw and tender while the corresponding spots on the inside are increasingly comfortable. is the skin stretching to accommodate? i have had the lower denture a good many years and not worn it due to the extreme discomfort. it has made more sense since the matching upper denture has joined the plastic invasion in my mouth, bit has remained uncomfortable with a gag reflex to make eating harder than ever.
has my chin skin has collapsed to close the empty space and needs to reform in order to find a comfort zone for the prosthetics? i hope so. just hoping. for now, i am weary of the process and want my chin back, unnoticed and serviceable.
and the eruption continues.
has my scratching/picking ocd returned?
7 months of chin picking and the small knot has dissipated, but the folds trapped within the knot are still straightening. i haven't ruled out the possibility that the straightening will culminate in a smooth surface.
the ocd theme of the compulsion is, "i'll straighten this mess out yet."
Gentle hug Arfie <3
and the chin picking continues.
this morning is my first wakeup in the toxic mom throne with the goal of cleaning out the accumulated toxins of the irresponsible living which has gone on here since i abandoned ship in 2016. literally speaking, i see no physical evidence that **i** am the toxic one in the equation. i am newly astounded at what some people can live with.
the ocd theme of, "i'll straighten this mess out yet" rings more true here than it did on the farm. i don't get to fix the lives of dysfunctional adults, but ? ? ? may this be the last time i have to clean up after the non-toxic perfection.
and i pick as i type. important chin picking sounds a hell of allot funner than breathing this filthy air and cleaning up after adult children.
on the theoretical justification for the continued chin picking, the "cyst" has been unraveled and all that remain are the deepest of the twined skin tissues. it looks worse in those twined spots but the rest of my chin is looking spa fresh. other wrinkles in my face seem to be decreasing, as well.
on the ocd drive to "straighten this shit out," polygamy is the current meditation. in the metaphorical cesspool of shit which needs to be straightened out in my life, our most consistent source of actual help has been our farm assistant (fa). i credit her pragmatic help as the rudder by which hubs and i have been able to stabilize the course of this little ship of fools. we were listing unpredictably in the covidic august of 2020. at that stage, she was still an employee of the cleaning service which cleaned our house twice a week. i had been approaching her about the possibility of her taking a formal position with us but that proposition was complicated by her immigration status and the fear that the maternal family would play that fact against us in the still going custody dispute. when she moved into the old farm house, we were only offering her refuge from a dangerous living arrangement in the house where she was renting a room. by december of 2020, her help with getting the kids off to school, etc., had worked out well enough for all of us that it was decided the $200 a week we were paying the cleaning service, along with room and board, would be her salary for the formalizing position of "farm assistant." we still feared that giving her a domestic job title would serve as ammunition for the litigious maternal family. we hoped that calling her a farm assistant would defuse that threat. just hoping, but it appears to have worked. so far. knocking wood.
fa's value in this operation has continued to grow in the three years hence. at present, getting the kids off to school has stabilized into an easy pace which no longer requires her help. she is now investing those hours in product development, beekeeping, etc. her pragmatic approach to life focuses more on what needs to be done that seeking benefits and enforcing job descriptions. the children love and trust her even more than hubs and i do.
the custody dispute with the maternal family resolved early in 2021 and seems to be holding, but the maternal family remains litigious and hard to trust. there are numerous other problems attached to her immigration status and the immigration laws arenae getting any friendlier. and i hold it as a tribute to her ethics that fa is even more bothered by those problems than hubs and i are. she has told us she is making plans to return to her home country after her son graduates high school in may of 2023.
! ! !NO TE VAYAS, QUERIDA! ! !
the thought of losing her is triggering panic attacks. she feels quite irreplaceable in our operations, both as a foster family and a fledgling LLC. in the first of the panic attacks over the thought of losing her, i did a mini surf to see if same sex marriages had reached credibility with the immigration laws. of course not. polygamy, of course, is not tolerated in any of the u.s. laws. the fantasy which has surfaced in recent rounds of chin picking is of quietly divorcing hubs on paper so that hubs would be legal to go to fa's home country with her, marry her and bring her back legally. i would be taking the leap of faith that the two of them will continue to ethically honor my place in the family. the children need not know of the legal changes. hubs and fa have already travelled together to take care of business at the urban homestead, so precedent is already set for them to take care of business in far off places. to a child's eye view, the carribean isnae any more distant than the urban homestead 3 hours to the south of here. hubs has rolled his eyes at me over the radical notion, but he hasnae called me mean names. methinks i have seen twinkles in his eyes as he has teased me over the notion.
mention of this fantasy has been even lighter with fa. perhaps closer to teasing than talking. ! ! !NO TE VAYAS! ! ! she doesnae appear to be repulsed by the notion, but my logic believes hubs and i should be completely comfortable talking to one another before we get into any detail with fa.
we see what grows. . .
for now, i have important chin picking to do. i'll straighten this shit out yet. . .
i have been lightly sharing this fantasy with hubs.