Deja vu'
Today was one of those days I wish hadn't happened. From the moment I walked into work I was bombarded with problem after problem, crisis after crisis. I felt like all I did all day was put out fires and I'm sitting here now wanting to just scream out "enough already!!"
I've said it before but to see my point - I work in psych rehab. I work in a community residential program where I manage housing and 18 residents who are of ages from 18 up. Some are straight mental health issues, some are dual diagnosed as addicts as well as mental health issues. It's a job that I was led to, there is no doubt in my mind there was a guiding hand that showed me this path. I started there 7 months after Randy Lee passed away and it's what I'm meant to do.
About a year ago I had an intake with a young man who reminded me of Randy Lee. He resembled him, acted like him and immediately walked into my heart. We're told we aren't to get involved, to take on a role beyond support with a person or care too much. It's a hard line because on one hand you can't do the job if you don't care. On the other it's painful when you're too involved.
I've struggled this past year trying hard to get this young man to see what he was doing to himself. To help guide him into sobriety. To open his eyes and hopefully save him. Save him? Well my head knows all too well we can't save anyone. Each person can only save themselves. It has to come from within, for each person alone and not for another. This is one of those times when the head tells you one thing, the heart another.
I walked in today to find he had moved out. Back to his family who not only allows but encourages him to use drugs & to drink. Try as hard as I could ~ I couldn't get him to see what a grave mistake moving back there was. That at 21 yrs old it could very well be his last poor choice. I told him honestly that I fear he would die. That I'm fearful he won't survive going back to that lifestyle. He left anyway.
I do a good job at holding my feelings in tact at work. Few know when I'm upset. I've learned to hide them well, even friends can't always see them. Today, that wasn't the case. As he walked out I just couldn't hold it in. One of my staff was there, she herself having gone through the same thing with her twin sister more times than she cares to count. She even told him 'do you know we've both seen it before, we've lived it". She saw my face and told me not to let it bother me, don't get upset. Too late.
I was angry at myself for letting that show. It took me almost 10 mins to gain composure enough to go back into my office. Now I'm sitting here angry. Angry at myself - angry at him - angry at his family - angry at Randy Lee - angry at all of it. What will it take for our young people to understand they are killing themselves? I know my son had no idea those beers would kill him that weekend yet they did. I have no doubt after hearing this young man showed up at the NA meeting drunk that he feels the same way.
It's 2014 - why don't we know what causes addiction? Why can't we change it? Why do we have keep losing our kids to this senseless disease? WHY?
The "mom" in me just wants to sit here an bawl. The psych rehab worker wants to shake that young man. Neither will help. What does it take? I still just can't understand why intelligent young men & women do this by choice. WHY?
This is the 11th Christmas Randy Lee isn't on this earth. We spent a few visiting him in rehab and I thought that was bad. Trust me - I'd gladly sit in a rehab for 3 hours seeing my son, hearing him laugh than standing at a cemetery staring blindly at a piece of bronze that displays his name. Trust me - anyone would.
I ache for my son -- the friends who sadly have passed away since Randy Lee. Then I look at Jason, my bonus son and I'm thankful he found the way to recovery. I still search for why Jason and not Randy Lee but I often come back to because of Randy Lee is why Jason.
If one person hears the message that addiction is a disease. Mental health is real and all too often the two link hand in hand. That stigma is a horrible thing we need to end so people can get the help they need. Reaching out for help is never a bad thing - turning your back on a loved one, a friend, anyone who is reaching to you for that help is the unforgivable thing. I'm all for tough love, making them face their consequence but to feed it -- I can't do that.
Tonight I said a prayer for this young man that he find the way to his peace. That he overcome his addiction and finds a way to move on. I said a similar prayer for my son 9 short months before he died. I wished him to find peace. I believe God answers all prayers - they're just not always the answers we want to hear. My son is at peace. This was perhaps they only peace he was to know. It's not what I wanted but he's at peace.
I'm not sure I can handle opening the paper or turning on the radio and hearing this young mans name linked with his death. He has potential but can't see it. I pray he can find that for himself and break away from his demons.
Tonight I'm going to say a prayer too for Jason ~ that God continue to allow him to find the strength to overcome his past one day at a time.
This is just one of so many questions - so many reasons I will never understand this disease. To those who have lost a loved on to addictions or mental health issues, I hope you all have found your peace in that you know they are no longer struggling. As hard as it is to lose them - to go on without them - maybe it's the only way. It doesn't make it any easier ... trust me ... it hurts to know you can't save a person not able to save themselves.
Watching this today was truly deja vu' to me. I felt like time was turned back, the same words, the same looks, the same feeling, and the same tears.
What I pray for tonight - may seem silly but I really need a Randy Lee dream. A memory - a feeling - something ... I just miss him more than words can express.
I've said it before but to see my point - I work in psych rehab. I work in a community residential program where I manage housing and 18 residents who are of ages from 18 up. Some are straight mental health issues, some are dual diagnosed as addicts as well as mental health issues. It's a job that I was led to, there is no doubt in my mind there was a guiding hand that showed me this path. I started there 7 months after Randy Lee passed away and it's what I'm meant to do.
About a year ago I had an intake with a young man who reminded me of Randy Lee. He resembled him, acted like him and immediately walked into my heart. We're told we aren't to get involved, to take on a role beyond support with a person or care too much. It's a hard line because on one hand you can't do the job if you don't care. On the other it's painful when you're too involved.
I've struggled this past year trying hard to get this young man to see what he was doing to himself. To help guide him into sobriety. To open his eyes and hopefully save him. Save him? Well my head knows all too well we can't save anyone. Each person can only save themselves. It has to come from within, for each person alone and not for another. This is one of those times when the head tells you one thing, the heart another.
I walked in today to find he had moved out. Back to his family who not only allows but encourages him to use drugs & to drink. Try as hard as I could ~ I couldn't get him to see what a grave mistake moving back there was. That at 21 yrs old it could very well be his last poor choice. I told him honestly that I fear he would die. That I'm fearful he won't survive going back to that lifestyle. He left anyway.
I do a good job at holding my feelings in tact at work. Few know when I'm upset. I've learned to hide them well, even friends can't always see them. Today, that wasn't the case. As he walked out I just couldn't hold it in. One of my staff was there, she herself having gone through the same thing with her twin sister more times than she cares to count. She even told him 'do you know we've both seen it before, we've lived it". She saw my face and told me not to let it bother me, don't get upset. Too late.
I was angry at myself for letting that show. It took me almost 10 mins to gain composure enough to go back into my office. Now I'm sitting here angry. Angry at myself - angry at him - angry at his family - angry at Randy Lee - angry at all of it. What will it take for our young people to understand they are killing themselves? I know my son had no idea those beers would kill him that weekend yet they did. I have no doubt after hearing this young man showed up at the NA meeting drunk that he feels the same way.
It's 2014 - why don't we know what causes addiction? Why can't we change it? Why do we have keep losing our kids to this senseless disease? WHY?
The "mom" in me just wants to sit here an bawl. The psych rehab worker wants to shake that young man. Neither will help. What does it take? I still just can't understand why intelligent young men & women do this by choice. WHY?
This is the 11th Christmas Randy Lee isn't on this earth. We spent a few visiting him in rehab and I thought that was bad. Trust me - I'd gladly sit in a rehab for 3 hours seeing my son, hearing him laugh than standing at a cemetery staring blindly at a piece of bronze that displays his name. Trust me - anyone would.
I ache for my son -- the friends who sadly have passed away since Randy Lee. Then I look at Jason, my bonus son and I'm thankful he found the way to recovery. I still search for why Jason and not Randy Lee but I often come back to because of Randy Lee is why Jason.
If one person hears the message that addiction is a disease. Mental health is real and all too often the two link hand in hand. That stigma is a horrible thing we need to end so people can get the help they need. Reaching out for help is never a bad thing - turning your back on a loved one, a friend, anyone who is reaching to you for that help is the unforgivable thing. I'm all for tough love, making them face their consequence but to feed it -- I can't do that.
Tonight I said a prayer for this young man that he find the way to his peace. That he overcome his addiction and finds a way to move on. I said a similar prayer for my son 9 short months before he died. I wished him to find peace. I believe God answers all prayers - they're just not always the answers we want to hear. My son is at peace. This was perhaps they only peace he was to know. It's not what I wanted but he's at peace.
I'm not sure I can handle opening the paper or turning on the radio and hearing this young mans name linked with his death. He has potential but can't see it. I pray he can find that for himself and break away from his demons.
Tonight I'm going to say a prayer too for Jason ~ that God continue to allow him to find the strength to overcome his past one day at a time.
This is just one of so many questions - so many reasons I will never understand this disease. To those who have lost a loved on to addictions or mental health issues, I hope you all have found your peace in that you know they are no longer struggling. As hard as it is to lose them - to go on without them - maybe it's the only way. It doesn't make it any easier ... trust me ... it hurts to know you can't save a person not able to save themselves.
Watching this today was truly deja vu' to me. I felt like time was turned back, the same words, the same looks, the same feeling, and the same tears.
What I pray for tonight - may seem silly but I really need a Randy Lee dream. A memory - a feeling - something ... I just miss him more than words can express.
Replies
Randy Lee come to your Mom tonight, it is so very important. The knowledge of your peace will give her some peace. Hugs to you sister, Kathy
Wow... Part of me envies your chance to try to make a difference... but I can so see how painful it has to be... over and over... I will say a prayer for this young man and all the people who are struggling with addiction... and for you... I truly pray that God gives you strength to keep your heart open and to keep trying... and that he will send you miracles to let you know your efforts are not in vain. Hugs and Prayers for you, Jason, Randy Lee and the young man who walked out today...