Definition of insanity

They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same action over and over expecting a different result.  This means I am officially insane.  The truth is that anxiety ruined my life and all my journals and work and attempts to get my life back have failed.  Recently a friend made some comments to shake me up, get me to think in a different way.  At first, I was upset by her comments but later began to see that she was right. 

I went back to the beginning and re-read my journals from when I started keeping them..which was a few years after I first developed the severe anxiety attacks.  I re-read them, and realized that I could have written them yesterday..nothing has changed, nothing has improved.  In fact, some other coping mechanisms that I had learned, I had actually forgotten so maybe I am even a little worse.  While it's true that I no longer have to carry around a barf bag, I haven't improved on anything else. I talked about how unhappy I was with my life, with Steve's drinking, with everything...the same things I talk about today.  Always running in circles, going nowhere.

Sure, I moved out once. I can tell myself that I made a choice to move back in order not to give up on my degree..because that is what would have happened.  I could not afford to keep living in CA on my own and no other state offers the type of financial aid that I received here.  It doesn't matter.  I am still the same...only worse...because that was 8 years ago.  I keep going around and around and time keeps passing and now I am old and I regret the things I feel I have missed out on.

I stupidly imagine myself as the misunderstood heroine that survives years of unhappiness until that one true person who is meant to be my other half finds me and feeds my soul.  Clearly I read wayyy too much.  That will never happen.  It will only end in tragedy..I will keep journaling in circles, never making anything out of myself, until the end.

I think the real reason we stay together is because if I leave him alone and let him drink and sleep on the couch then I can remain in my head..alone, but not alone.  I must be getting something out of that or I would not continue to do it. 

The other odd thing is he has been the one person I have not been able to push away.  No matter what I say or do, he comes back.  He needs me to maintain his functioning alcoholic life image as much as I need whatever this is that I get out of it. 

I know that I never really let anyone in, and that when people do try and get close I usually find a way to cut them out and push them away.  I usually don't have to try that hard...I think many people can see that I am damaged beyond help and naturally drift away.  He is the only person outside of DS that I have ever told about the sexual abuse and even that did not end things as I thought it would. 

There is so much I should be accomplishing today, but I find that I can't seem to care enough about much to get anything done.  I managed to get out long enough to buy some groceries and a couple of loads of laundry.  I look at how dirty the house is and think I should clean while I have the house to myself...but really..who cares? 

I tried reaching out to a classmate who is working with the veterans at the college and let him know about DS for any that needed support.  In my head, this was a heroine storyline in which I would make a connection with local people for support and friendship.  This would lead to meeting people for coffee on a sunny day instead of lonely laundry folding.  Sick,stupid, girl....where the fuck do you get these ideas? 

It is now 62 days since I quit smoking.  Ironically, my heart has been acting up more since I quit.  It will be just my luck if it actually quits now that I stopped the smoking.  Hopefully, if it happens, I will just be gone and not a vegetable.  Knowing that much of this is an anxiety symptom, I refuse to keep going back to doctor for every flutter.  They say they have repaired the issue..they are doctors..anything more is just a symptom of another problem.  My sick head.