Deep Breathing practice

I am practicing my deep breathing today.  I feel like crap.  If I have a panic attack, then c'est la vie, but I am working on just letting everything roll off. 

Why can't anything just be simple...black and white????  Am I sick?  Fuck, who knows!  I've still been feeling tired but unable to sleep well.  I have a sore throat..mostly on the left.  I started to have the sore throat last night.  It's rainy here and I remember that last time I tried to quit smoking, I brought crap up out of my lungs for months and had lots of sinus issues.  It could just be that...  I have also still been having problems with a tooth on the upper left.  It's probably going to turn out to be the one next to where I just got the crown. As if that was not enough to have things in question, I bit my tongue really hard while eating dinner on that side last night.  With so many possible reasons for the sore throat on that side, I am leaning away from actual sickness.  There was a story on the news last week about a truck driver that had a tooth infection and although he stopped and got antibiotics on the road still ended up dying from the infection a week later.  These are not good stories for people like me to hear...that is why I usually don't listen to the news. 

Just keep breathing...I should know more by the end of the day if it is going to be a real problem or not. SO DUMB!  I am so dumb!  I know the drill..I think I just need to be reminded sometimes that I am not normal and never will be again.  ...and I am alone.

He did not get home until almost 8 last night and he is staying up there tonight.  It's not like we are on great speaking terms anyway.  I would not say we are even friendly roommates at this point.  We are just sharing the same space. 

My body aches and it reminds me of my throat..I get that little twinge again where the pit of my stomach drops...just keep breathing..so damn dumb.

I try to imagine being out in the dating pool again if Steve and I end up splitting...and trying to explain the whole anxiety thing to someone..Yuck..yeah..that is why I know that once he and I are done, I just better get used to being on my own.  Although my panic level has been pretty level this past year I have talked to two new friends here who had it return after 20 years.  Is that what may happen to me also?  If I make it another 20 years...blaaa haaa ha..  Even if I end up doing this all alone...I will have a horse again...even if I have to share a stall with him, LOL