Deceptive peace in the morning
Here I am, another weekend morning. The STBX is sleeping in what used to be our bed. I had a restless night in the guest room. My boys and their cousins who are visiting from out of town have finished the breakfast I gave them and are now busy playing video games. They are totally oblivious to the turmoil in this house.
The mornings are deceptive. My wife is out of sight. I busy myself with tasks and chores. I feel I could survive this life that is about to be thrust upon me without any recourse for me. This peace is not really what I know I will soon deal with. Logistics of commuting kids to and from school. Insurance division, and bills to be handled with no assistance from my wife's income. The days alone when the kids are with her. Will I still help them daily with their homework? This has been my responsibility and one my wife does not want to do. What about our dog? Visitation rights? Surely she will not have to ability to give her a home. How do I care for feeding and care for this puppy?
The only way i can see her upholding even a potion of the responsibilities and financial obligations when moving out is with help. Another man. A replacement. Another source if confusion for my precious children. How quickly will this happen? Have steps already been taken by her for this?
The peace I feel in the morning is delusion and denial.
The mornings are deceptive. My wife is out of sight. I busy myself with tasks and chores. I feel I could survive this life that is about to be thrust upon me without any recourse for me. This peace is not really what I know I will soon deal with. Logistics of commuting kids to and from school. Insurance division, and bills to be handled with no assistance from my wife's income. The days alone when the kids are with her. Will I still help them daily with their homework? This has been my responsibility and one my wife does not want to do. What about our dog? Visitation rights? Surely she will not have to ability to give her a home. How do I care for feeding and care for this puppy?
The only way i can see her upholding even a potion of the responsibilities and financial obligations when moving out is with help. Another man. A replacement. Another source if confusion for my precious children. How quickly will this happen? Have steps already been taken by her for this?
The peace I feel in the morning is delusion and denial.
Replies
Dear friend,
Even if the peace in the morning right now is denial & delusion, breath in the peace. You need it, emotionally & physically, breath it in while it is there. It will give you a chance to re-coup yourself.
My heart goes out to you & all of us here that are going through of about to go through hell.
Remember that you are not alone. And this is not on you. You want to work on your marriage. This is not your fault, you can\'t be resposible for your wife\'s decisions.
Enjoy your time with your children, they grow up so fast. Thoughts & prayers, Christian Love, TCB
I just left a couple of posts on your previous entry - take a look.
I am going to give you advice that both my lawyer and marriage counselor gave me when I was in the exact place you are --- still reeling with disbelief, still desparately in love with ex, terrified for my children...
-- You have to get smart right now about protecting yourself and your children. But away to fantasy of the past and get Lazer sharp about the future. Right now. Because your ex is already way down that pathe and you need to catch up or get run over. -----
Seriously - they both said it... on the same day. It was a slap in the face and I woke up. I want to wake you up.
This doesn\'t mean you won\'t grieve for a long time yet. But, you need to get focused on your survival.
Here\'s what I did. I wrote out the 2 things that were important to me. Everything else was negotiable but these were my minimum bottom lines. I would give up other things to get theses. I reviewed them before EVERY meeting with my ex and lawyers. When I was tempted to give in on those things, it pulled me back. When I was tempted to fight for stuff I didn\'t care about, it pulled me back. It kept me focused. And I got what I needed.
If spending time with the kids is your thing - than define exactly what you want at a minimum and WRITE it down. This is the most important negotiation of your life. Know what you want and don\'t be distracted by other shiny objects.
And get a good lawyer and do what they say.
I hope that helps!!!
Just a last note wrt visitation. I had that term, you don\'t \"visit\" your kids, you parent them. Even after the separation.
My ex took a really small apt nearby so he could be close to the kids. I take them to school and he has them after school until 6pm when he brings them back to me. We rotate weekends. So, kids see both of us almost every day. It works for us.
You will find what works for you.
Sorry about all my typos!! Wish there was an edit function!
Thank you so much for the concern and strong advice. I am conflicted to say the least about taking that step with myself. Shortly after my posts I initiated a calm and intelligent conversation with her about the logistics of the future separation and divorce. She actually broke down and cried very sincere tears. She obviously has feelings for me but also feels strongly about living apart. For the first time she was the one wanting to slow down. She wants counseling for herself and still wants to attend couple counseling, though I don\'t think she will go to necessarily save the marriage.
I am not going to push her out or close the door on my marriage. Yes I still deeply love her and yes I am extremely hurt. Trust has been severely damaged. Healing for myself is a must and I cannot help but hope for healing for my marriage and family.
I may need to ramp up my legal protection soon, but I am not there yet, while there is the least glimmer of hope.
She expects any legal proceedings whether bankruptcy or divorce to be done in agreement and jointly.
Good Luck!