December

Great Big Sigh...Becky's doctors are not clearly defining her options, to her. She is feeling positive, which is great, miracles happen. She is not asking questions, and her doctors are not telling her the seriousness of her situation. I have been researching since Day 1. She is a very smart woman, addicted to her phone, with free wifi, and won't conduct a single search. Why are the doctors skirting the hard facts? Why? Why? Why? She ignored a breast lump for 2 years. She shattered her 38 year old hip in a 4 foot fall. Cancerous lesions, innumerable at this time, all over her bones, and her breast lump is, in fact, adenocarcinoma, metastacized to bone, as distal to the point of origin as her leg. Stage 4.

Until yesterday even my sister would not allow me to tell her what I had learned, and refused to look up reputable websites. She finally asked...and I was able to quote statistics, name hormone receptors, list treatment options...I have read and read and read and read...always hoping to find a source with different information, but they all repeat the same things and I had unintentionally memorized them, simply from obsessively searching. One of them needed to know. Plans need to be made, preparations...it's horrific. But ignoring a breast lump for 2 years will not make it go away, and refusing to face reality now will not change that reality. And there is an innocent, happy little boy whose life is soon to change. My wish is to prepare as much as possible, learn how to tell him first of all, then learn how to help him adjust to the reality of having a sick mom. With very aggressive treatment, we want to extend her life as long as possible, but she will be sick. We need to know how to transition Jack into his new reality, we need to seek professional help.

One difference I have found in different sites is that some say there is no cure for Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, some give it a 5 year survival rate of 20%. I don't know which is right, I suppose both, depending on the patient. The 20% that live 5 years are referred to as living with chronic cancer. The goal shoud be to extend life as long as possible with the best quality of life as possible. But first, we have to take the first step and be made aware of the reality of the situation, which her doctors refuse to do. Very, very hard to get a direct answer from them. I understand they don't have a crystal ball and also that they want to keep the patient as positive as possible...and it probably isn't easy to tell them.

I guess I am just a different personality type...when faced with a situation, I want to know the who, what, when, where, and why. I want to prepare, I want to research alternative treatments...I just want to work. It is killing me, killing me that the cancer is still cooking as we speak...and Becky just doesn't want to know. 

She was also diagnosed with pneumonia from her first scan and has been undergoing treatment, yet her lungs were filling with water and they inserted a tube today to drain it. I have heard it's an incredibly painful procedure. I have not spoken to Becky myself in 2 days because I am so angry and she will sense it. I KNOW she is suffering, she knows this could have been handled 2 years ago, when it was probably at Stage 0 or Stage 1, and is 100% curable. She HAS to be overcome with guilt, I would be. 

I did get slightly scolded from my sister today. I am emotional, and a worrier and she is working hard to keep it together. She told me I was putting pressure on her. She was gentle, but she was serious...so I am backing off and not texting and calling. I wait for her to reach out to me for whatever she needs...and continue learning all I can. 

Jack. He's perfect. It's going to change him...maybe it will make him more patient (he has NO patience), maybe more compassionate, maybe more loving (though he is an incredibly affectionate and loving little fellow). It doesn't make sense, but the moment Steve told me about Cassi, I was so angry at him for saying it, as if saying it made it true. The longer we can put off telling Jack, in his mind, in his world, it's not true. He is having a ball right now. Having his Aunt Gina for a week, visiting the hospital and leaving when he is tired of it, extra attention from us all...he's so happy. When I think about him being told, I hit a brick wall. I just can't bear it, but I know at some point it will have to be done, and he won't be quite so innocent anymore. At best, we can keep Becky around for 5 years, or longer even??? With very aggressive treatment, but she won't be the Mom he knows, she will be sick, not capable of being the Becky she was. He loves her so much, of course...and I snap back immediately from my sadness to rage that this has happened, when it didn't have to. 

I am sick with the worry, nauseous constantly...no sleeping...obsessively searching for answers on-line.

I know this is an extremely sensitive topic. I have only heard bits and pieces. I have to ask, can someone tell me Barbera's story?