December 2017

I am feeling run down, tired, exhausted to the core. Most days I wake-up feeling like crying. It's like I'm slowly dying on the inside and I don't know why. 

Its not a familiar feeling. I don't know myself like this. I think I've only felt this tired about once before in my life & that was right after I moved out of my family home after my first suicide attempt.

It is so weird feeling this tired, this hopeless, this unhappy, this numb. I'm the type of person that has always taken pride in trying, in never giving up, in taking on the world and changing it for the better.

What makes it even more scary is the pressure of knowing that I have to do something about it, but I don't know what. We've been struggling financially eversince my previous job environment became too much of a trigger so I resigned. I went through a lot of interpersonal sh*t because of being unwilling & unable to work in an environment during protests where I just didn't feel safe. My employer had no understanding for this whatsoever and instead decided to subject me to numerous disciplinary meetings which made everything worse. It was humiliating having to have these meetings even though my work has always been impeccable (I'm a workaholic & perfectionist in that way).

Why am I a workaholic? I don't know. Maybe because being apart of an organization which I care about & give my heart & soul to finally makes me feel like I am good enough, that I am apart of something - finally. Maybe this is the problem? Should I stop caring that much, doing that much, loving that much while not expecting anything in return? I guess I should, but being that much has become so much a part of me that I'm afraid that if I give it up I'd be giving up my 'me'? Am I feeling this tired because I am scared of this new job mirroring what happened at UCT?

Maybe I am. Atleast I know now that I can leave and be okayish. In think I should take the day off from work today. Try to color in.