Dear Grandma, I'm Okay

It's been a while since I've wrote an entry. It was an entry mostly dedicated to my thoughts on you and my pain for you leaving this earth. Now I am able to function and I am able to live. It still hurts deeply some days to not have you here, but I know I can't let that stop me from being the person you wanted me to be. I believe in angels, I believe you're watching over me. I still can't stop thinking whether you'd be disappointed in the real me, though. I smoke pot and I drink. I cuss far more than I should amongst my friends. I was doing coke, and I honestly wish I could go back to it without losing control. All these feelings and actions don't change my compassion and my need to help others and love others and lend a hand. Is that enough for you to still love me the same, though? I want to be your legacy. I want to mean as much to my grandchildren as you did to me. Is it possible? I just wish I could apologize to you for whatever I am now. I feel you knew me better than anyone in the world, but I still hid everything I was shameful of myself. I never let you know about my darkness and my self harm. I never let you know how close I'd come to ending my life. Would you be disappointed in me if you knew? You probably know now, though. I hope God can forgive me. I hope you can, too. I love you and I want to be your legacy. I want to be everything the world expects me to be. I love you and miss you very much Grandma. I'm doing better and I will try to become even better than today and everyday from here on out. God bless you my angel.