Dear dad...

How does one start a letter to a parent, who isn't really a parent..? How do I express that I'm an orphan, despite your existence..? How do I share the pain and anguish you cause on a daily basis, simply by living on this Earth..? How? Like this I suppose... 

Dear Dad,

I wish you were the dad I need you to be. I wish you were the dad you were. The attentive, always caring, always loving parent. The parent I haven't known since childhood. The parent I saw a glimpse of at my wedding. I don't understand how you can constantly disengage, constantly leave. I try and I try, I invite you out, I email, text, plan family dinners, just for an excuse to see you. It's my childhood all over again. I suppose you weren't around as much as I remember, especially as I got older... Suddenly it was holidays, but as a kid, that was exciting and fun... As an adult, there's nothing. I make a grand dinner, set out the China, the silver, and I recreate what my mom did. I now see how hard she worked to preserve our relationship, only for you to consistently throw it away. How have I been blind for so long? 

Consider this your unvitation. You are uninvited to every future event. Every holiday, every birthday. You're excused from the table, no need to return. I'll clean up your dishes - just leave. 

I wanted so badly to make you proud. I wanted to be worthy of your love. I wanted to show you that I made something for myself, despite it all. I wanted to prove that I was worthy. I know now that the best way to prove my worth, is to stop proving it. 

How manipulative, to attend my wedding and be fully involved, to just disappear again. To connect so deeply, to just disappear. How evil does a person have to be to tease attachment? I kept believing that if I kept inviting you over, kept seeing you, I'd get more of that attachment. More of that love. More of that worthiness. I believed if I started a family, you'd have a reason to come around... And maybe you would - but you don't get to. If I'm not good enough for you, you don't get to know my kid(s). 

So this is goodbye. And this is I'm sorry, to my mother, who tried tirelessly to make you love me. I'm sorry to her for you, because you made this decision, not me. I carried her legacy. I tried to honour her wish for you to be part of my life, but I'm done trying.