Dear Adam...

You'll never read this, but I felt I needed to get it out. I'm sure you know how much you helped me, how you transformed my life, I just didn't really acknowledge it till now. I was so broken when first for together. I could barely be touched without being triggered, without having severe, debilitating flashbacks. Suddenly I'm remembering all the times you held me. Consoled me. Helped me heal, feel safe, and grow. I want nothing more right now than to phone you and say this. To release this, to appreciate you, to share with you what I'm only now seeing. I took you for granted and I regret it. I deeply, deeply do. I remember shaking and crying and having you stop everything and being me back to earth. I also remember thinking late in our relationship, when the trauma had been resolved, that you never engaged in foreplay... That you wanted to jump right into sex... I remember thinking it was ridiculous...but now I remember... Now I remember it was the foreplay that I couldn't do. It was the foreplay that triggered me. We got to a point where I had to get myself ready for sex, so we could engage because that didn't trigger me as badly. I got to a point where I stopped being triggered because I did therapy - but I still didn't appreciate you enough. I understand now, why you developed an attraction to someone else. I understand now, how you could be pulled to someone who appreciated you and what you had to give. I miss you, with every fiber of my being. I miss our friendship, I miss the safety, I miss the love we shared. I truly believe we would have landed back together if life were different - if Ryan didn't get pregnant... If you didn't do the right thing... I'm happy, with my life. I have a wonderful life - I'm in no way wanting to give it up. I just miss what we had. I miss feeling the way I did with you. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss the way I fit in your arms. I miss dancing with you. I miss radiating from the inside out. I hope one day I can tell you how grateful I am to you. I hope one day I can look you in the eyes and tell you that I truly, brutally messed up. I hope one day I can be raw with you again, be raw and be pure in the emotional release, in the truth. I don't have anyone that I can be raw with anymore. I love my husband... I truly do... But he doesn't listen the same way. He listens to react, to comment, to judge... Or he doesn't listen at all. He shuts me down and says "you don't have to talk about it" when I'm the one initiating the talk... How am I supposed to feel open, when I'm told to be silent. I have no one in my life that I truly trust... And that's absolutely devastating. I truly trusted you, I want that back. I miss you, and I'm sorry.