Day 3: suicidal ideation is a bitch

My brain was normal, better then normal, for maybe an hour. And then it all went away. I was distracted, tired, unfocused, all day. And I ended the work day with unreasonable, unfocused irritation. And I've spent practically every moment since finishing dinner collapsed on the couch alternately escaping through a Harry Potter fanfiction and thinking about what sort of self harm I could reasonably hide and feeling stuck. Sometimes it's easier to imagine not having to wake up in the morning. What would I really be missing out on? The hamster wheel that is a 9-5 job? The rinse and repeat cycle that is the relationship between my mothers and brother? Feeling so deeply it's almost knowing that I'll forever be alone, that I'm incapable of any sort of deep feeling or commitment? 

All that being said, intellectually, I can acknowlege that this is withdrawal, most likely interacting with my other mental illness, an amplifying cycle. That means it won't last forever and if I can just get through the next couple of weeks without scratching oozing, aching lines across the back of my hand or getting fired, I will be in a much better position to get through life. And I'm suprisingly not tempted to cope with food. I am. A little. But I keep thinking how much I hate feeling like this. And how dumb it would be to go through all of this again just for 15 minutes of stuffing my face. Maybe my stubbroness will kick in soon. Maybe it already is. 

And I did get through today. I half assed my work out a little but I still worked out. I had half my planned water for the day, but I still drank plenty of water. My meals were correct and on time, so that's a full win. 

I guess I just have to sleep this off and hope for the best.