Day 17

It is now 17 days since I had a smoke.  I don't even want one...but I tired of feeling sick all the time.  I know whatever this is has to pass sooner or later..just need to keep going as my friend Jeanette would say.  I am not sleeping well.  I am super tired when I go to bed, but then I just lay there for a long time.  This is not normal for me at all.  I'm usually out in 10 minutes tops.  I have read that it could be a withdrawl symptom but for how long??  I feel exhausted again this morning...like I didn't sleep well.  My sleep app says i'm only at 35 to 45 percent deep sleep, unlike my usual 50 to 60 range.  My head is pounding.

Steve came home from his trip last night.  Didn't get home unitl after 9.  We were both tired but it seemed more awkward than usual.  He didn't seem as glad to see me as I thought.  I know...I have hollywood syndrome.  I feel like there should be excitement and fireworks...I live in dreamland, not reality.  I know he is exhausted because not only did he sleep in, but he never woke while I was getting ready for work.  He never does that.  He says he never had a smoke though, despite the party atmosphere when all the managers get together for meetings.  I really didn't think he would be able to stick to it. 

He has been really good on the drinking front lately, and giving me money toward the credit card.  I briefly wondered if he might have read my journals..but he has known about this site for years and had no interest in it.  I always thought that was weird the way he goes through my purse and my phone but has never looked here. 

I just feel sad and lonely for no apparent reason.  I want to go bury myself in a book and escape reality.  I read so many books when we were up at the cabin that I am almost caught up on all my series.  It's kind of weird not being buried by homework.

I officially applied for graduation this week.  I started my last class and it should be a piece of cake if I can just figure out what to do for my final project.  "Do whatever you want" doesn't really help me.  It's just too wide open.  I need order, and rules damnit, LOL 

They recently hired a new person in purchasing here that has horses.  He found out I love horses and talks to me about them all the time now.  He keeps showing me ones for sale that he sees online.  I laugh and say he's a bad influence because now I caught myself looking at ads myself. 

I told Steve I wanted a horse for a graduation present.  I admit, I was trying to freak him out, but to his credit, he barely skipped a beat and said..ok we will just have to keep it at Annette's in Madera til we figure out what we are doing.  I would never really ask them to keep it there for us...I was surprised by his answer though.  Time will tell how this is going to go when I am done with school.  I just know I don't want to live somewhere that it's always a financial struggle and I will never afford horse property.