day 13

I still fee bad and all over the place.  I have been in a crappy mood ever since Steve left for Phoenix.  He went with our youngest to participate in the rock and roll marathon and then he has meetings until weds.  We have hardly been talking..not mad exactly...just keeping our distance.  We are both trying to quit smoking and I think avoiding taking it out on each other.  I realized though, this morning, that that is not entirely true.

I have not been texting him except for a basic goodnight while he's been gone.  I did not asking if he and Sarah were having fun.  I did not even check my phone this morning and he had sent me a text saying "I hope I make it" when the race started at 730.  He only intended to walk the 13 miles.  He is in no shape to do anything more than that.  I didn't see the text until 10am...long after he got on the road.  I went to try and track his progress only to find out that you had to register to track someone an hour before the race started.  I never even looked.  Too wrapped up in my own crap as usual.

I thought about that.  We have not been close for a while now...but somehow I felt this was something more.  I finally realized that not only was I angry that he was gone again...I was jealous..that he is in the Arizona sunshine, while I am stuck here in the CA fog.  Yesterday, the sun actually came out about noon.  Today it is almost noon and there is no sign of it breaking through.  I hate the fog.  I HATE not being in the sun.  If this is what Oregon is like I don't think I will be able to take it.  I am the sunshine girl...always have been. 

I'm a shitty girlfriend...only wallowing in my own misery and not being supportive at all.