crying & trying to avoid popping pills...

I was watching a show on Netflix and one of the characters was in a car accident and was in the hospital in critical condition facing paralysis and all I could think of was my best friend being in the hospital... He had to have 3 emergency brain surgeries to save his life and during the last one he had a stroke. The show brought back so many memories I didn't want to ever think about again... He couldn't move his left side or even talk... The first sentence he said was "please, kill me now" and he was serious..he wanted to die. Before then he would only say hi and yes/no, but even single words were hard to get out of him. I lived in the hospital with him and I cried and I prayed... I'm not the type to pray regularly but when he was fighting for his life it was all I could do. 
I suffer from chronic pain and severe depression because I'm bipolar. I have really severe carpal tunnel syndrome and normally I ignore the pain because I don't like getting in the habit of taking codeine as I have a problem with addiction, but tonight I had to take it because the pain was unbearable.. But now I'm finding myself wanting to numb the emotional pain with the drugs.. I want to take more so I can stop feeling this overwhelming sadness. I'm angry and sad and just pissed off... I want to lash out at everything yet I know I can't and internalizing it makes me turn to substances such as alcohol and codeine. I'm just struggling and I don't want to fight anymore...