Cravings...

I could tell I needed to write today, all day I've had the urge without knowing the words. Writing the letter to Harley didn't feel right, not yet, I'm not ready to feel that anger. I need to have my escape planned, I need to be ready to go for a drive, not be winding down or feel stuck inside with it. 

I got in my car to drive to kinesiology this evening, I was waiting to carpool with my friend who lives in my suite, and while I waited, one of my emotionally triggering songs came on. I absolutely love the song, because when I need to feel it all, when I need to be raw, I play it. I have a few songs like this, honestly, and now I'm not sure exactly which one it was... point being, I suddenly felt myself on the verge of tears so fast I was shocked. It's obvious there's something under the surface that I'm dealing with. I turned it off when my friend walked up, retracted my tears, and immediately listened to her rant and rave about her own life... The friendship has become very one-sided, which is fine, it just means that I won't turn to her when I'm like this. I wished I had the appointment solo, I would have confided in my kinesiologist - we have that kind of relationship, even though we only work together once a week. Funny how those relationships develop. 

The workout was great - I pushed myself at every point. No taking it easy - I needed to work through my internal angst. So I'm doing my usual - Epsom salt bath afterwards, and thinking about the urge to write. Not sure what it is I'm feeling, but I thought about Harley briefly. Long enough to consider if I wanted to open that box and explore that anger - I'm not ready yet, not tonight. Thinking about him made me think about the feeling I used to feel around him - the feeling of being high. Suddenly I realized that's what I'm processing - I want to be high. Not CBD/THC high... Narcotic high. Opiate high. I want to feel that bliss, that don't care mentality, free to live inconsequentially (even though the consequences were almost dire). Logically it makes no sense, but I know that the point, logic doesn't play a role. So I lay here, in my bath, reflecting on my desire to get high. Thinking how close those pills are, how easy it is, how no one has to know. I have my heavy Listening playlist going - I only just created it, I would have continuously skipped songs till these ones came on. I need to feel it, the pain, the hurt, the empty. I need to feel everything so I don't use drugs. As I relax, as I soak and type on my phone, all I can think of is running. I want to run as far and fast as I can. I want to escape. That's all it's ever been about for me - the escape.

The escape... When I was 13 it was self harm and pain killers... As I aged, that continued, but the running kicked in. But also alcohol. I struggled with that periodically at 15... And 17...in my 20s...not since 23-ish? Then the injury at 27, the narcotics, the weed .. the laced weed... Harley was an addiction himself. My mind went through withdrawal when I was away from him, even if I hadn't used... I was so conditioned to feel high near him. He drugged me to make me feel that way around him, did it so I wouldn't even know.... Made me feel bad for not smoking. Made me feel bad for experiencing withdrawal that he created.

I'm a god-damned therapist in training. I have a psychology degree. I studied criminology. HOW DID HE DO THIS TO ME?! It took almost a year of studying sexual exploitation and human trafficking for work to see THAT'S what was happening. It took a year of me talking about a 13 year old girl who was given joints and cigarettes that were laced with cocaine and heroine to realize that I was that girl. It makes me so angry. I'm mad at myself - the anger is misplaced, I know that, but it's this self-pointed anger that makes me want to run. I want to escape this internal anger.