crappy crappy

ugh. shitty mood today. last night my cousin that went behind my back sent me a text. it wasn't a bad text, just something like "i'm drunk and feeling brave and wanted to tell you i love you and miss you and when you're ready to talk i'm here."  oh and that she hoped all was well in my life. yeah, it was a nice message, and i've promised myself not to try and reach out to people i feel have wronged me anymore, to let them come back to me if they wanted to rekindle the relationship. but still i'm not ready. i'm just so upset with her. what she did was not only a betrayal of confidence, but demeaning, as if i was someone who had no control over her life, like an addict or a juvenile delinquent. or an invalid. INVALIDATED!!!!!! the last thing i feel like i need right now are more family members telling me how fucked up my boyfriend is. i was tortured by dreams last night that i cannot fully remember, but family members kept getting involved with my life and meddling with my affairs. the theme was LEAVE ME ALONE!!! even though i was stuck needing their support and love.
so this morning i wake up feeling the residual shittiness of a dreamer's turmoil. i tell my boyfriend about the text i got last night. we talk about it for a minute. he doesn't know the extent to which she betrayed me because it involves me having told her something very very private about him, and her going and playing detective and then telling my parents. i will not tell him that this happened, not ever. because i do not feel i deserve his consequences. i've had enough as it is... anyway, maybe he was upset about the text, too, felt threatened by her or felt upset that i hadn't told him last night. i picked the tiniest vibe up from him...but i didn't have the energy to address it... but we're blathering about something or other as i'm getting ready to take the dogs out. i ask him to kiss me, and he launches into this spiel about how maybe i should kiss HIM, how i have to ask for what i need and do things myself, so when i point out that i DID ask for something he said "you can't always get what you want." what the fuck????? so i point blank asked him why he had to make such a big issue out of it and couldn't he have just told me "not now, i'm busy?"
i love him, i do. and i'm just complaining, but now that i'm getting the hang of his game, i just think it's kind of stupid. he didn't feel like kissing me for whatever reason, he probably felt bad about that, so he turned his problem back onto me by using analytical jargon to try to get me to feel bad even for asking for a kiss. 
you're really smart, baby, but you met your match.
was it ok to call him on his shit? i think it was. at this point, i don't even know what the point is to catering to him anymore if it doesn't do any good, and does even worse for me. i still tell him how handsome he is, how clever/talented/smart/creative he is on a more than regular basis. i tell him i love him all the time. i listen when he tells me what he's feeling. i don't invalidate his feelings. but i just don't want to take the manipulation anymore.
when we were camping in the desert i was feeling bitchy. i got on his nerves. i admit that. i'm not perfect. he had to make a phone call so i wandered away from the car about 50 feet or so to go look at the horses that were grazing in the distance. when he was done with his call he started the car, drove toward where i was standing, waved, and drove on down the road. i still feel furious when i think about this. i wanted to leave him right then and there. just walk out to that ranch house over yonder and take a job cleaning cow shit and frying bacon and never see him again. 
i could see where the road went, and it dipped down in the middle a ways ahead. i never saw him continue on down the road, and there was a white glimmer of the roof of his car, so i knew he was parked there waiting for me to catch up to him. i just stood there where he left me. i looked at the horses, i looked at the plants and flowers, listened to the bugs and the wind. i sat down. about 20 minutes later he came back and got me. i didn't say anything to him about this at all, just got in the car. i know that if i had run after him, furious or scared, or even started walking in the direction he had gone, that i would have been encouraging this kind of behavior by my very involvement in it. so just waiting where he left me was a way of putting my foot down. he got to think about (i hope) how inappropriate his move had been, regardless of my bitchiness, and had to actually go back on his actions by going back to where he had left me. seriously, though, who the fuck leaves their girlfriend out in the middle of the desert? the only answer that comes to mind is the kind of people you hear about on the news.