couldn't sleep well last night

I am a hotel and am about to leave in an hour to take care of some passport/visa stuff.  Then I will return to my house and this travelers will be gone.  I couldn't sleep well last night at all.  My eyes are all puffy and I look really unhealthy.  It's funny, I know that in about 3 days I will be back to my self again, once I get rest and get myself sorted out.  Like I said, I am going to start journaling on here, just for myself, not caring if anyone reads it although it is nice to have comments. 

I am not going to drink.  The hardest part when I'm on these binges is making that decicion to stop the binge.  I did that yesterday and luckily didn't have that bad of a hangover.  I still have my job, house, and passport, so it's basically like I get another chance to try this life that I keep *saying* I want....to have my own business, to be healthy, to be happy. 

Boys are toxic.  End of story.  I need to let that shit go and seriously but my energy elsewhere.  I need to equate them them to danger the same way I do alcohol.  Actually, it's about the same thing.  I'm invariably drawn to getting involved with boys and alcohol, but in the end its always a waste of time and energy and turns out to be a destructive activity.  These past few years I have continued to fall into the same pattern, being drawn to the same kidn of men the same way I fall into my alcoholic patterns with my binges.  This needs to stop.  I'm done.  I accept that I can trust no one but myself, and that the idea of romance is an illusion unless I get with someone self realized.

I also feel disgusting with this last sexual encounter with the guy in my hotel room.  But I am moving on.  None of this is going to happen again.  I'm going to be 31 in a few months.  I am so ready to turn over a new leaf and be serious about my business.  

ok, let me break this down.....

grateful: grateful i still have my job.  grateful that my friend is launching an online course/mastermind program that faciliates independent business owners and people who want to be location-independent with their work to take the necessary steps to get this point.  i get to enroll for free since i am her friend, and this will give me structure/community i need to get me going where i want to be.  

desire: i desire to be as healthy as i can be.  i also have a huge passion for fashion and in the past used to really manifest my passion by wearing my creations and spending a lot of time with my apperance and designing.  i'm not trying to look sexy and attractive to men necessarily, i just simply love to look how i imagine i would want to look.  i have an enormous imagination and i'm not into selfie-culture, althoguh i am trying to be more comfortable in front of the camera.  i just love looking like i'm from wonderland, or some other time/place/realm.  it makes me feel inspired.  and my business idea is about upcycled fashion, so the more i embody that fashionista spirit, the better.  

brags:

not much to brag about.  haha.  

ok, time to take a bath in this hotel....i don't have a bath in my house and they are harder to come by in thailand.  so i'm grateful to take a bath too, then off to run errands then later i am going to relax in my empty house and take a nap.  then i have work later.  maybe do some yoga too.  i feel better already just writing this out, although i know it is a sloppy/unfocused entry.